Hold Me Down
by periwrites
Summary: Not me. That's who this girl is. She is not me. And for the first time, Edward wants someone who is not me. The tequila sits at the bottom of my stomach and begins to grow tentacles. I am tequila brave.
1. Chapter 1

****Chapter One was beta'd by sweetishbubble and Angelz1114577****

* * *

><p><strong>Hold Me Down<strong>

By: _peri_

**Chapter One**

I pull on crimson skinnys and pair them with a charcoal tank top. Grabbing my ID and two cigarettes, I place one stick behind my ear and the other between my lips. I pull on my cool-as-fuck sling-back heels, stuff my phone in my back pocket, and hightail it outta my apartment. I'm late. Like, _really_ fucking late.

San Francisco in the spring is warm and dry, a welcomed change from the chilly fogginess and peek-a-boo sunlight that every other season alternates between. Tonight is cloudless. Just black sky.

My phone vibrates against my left ass cheek and my eyes roll. It's Jake. I don't even have to look at the damned thing to know. I don't bother to pick it up, but I do ask some guy leaning against the front of my building for a light. He obliges, a small nod of his scruffy chin before he flicks his lighter. A quick _thanks_, and I'm back on track, my heels clicking against the sidewalk.

I scurry my way to my shitty car. She's seriously due to make her final drive to a scrap yard, but she's tenacious, sputtering to life when I'm on the verge of believing she won't.

Taking a long cigarette rip, I look around, scanning for any nosey eyes. Once I'm certain no one's around, I reach inside my exhaust and pull out my car key.

It's Thursday. Thursday is a sacred night for my boys and me. We meet up every week and drink, laugh, shoot the shit. Tonight is a different kind of Thursday. Edward is bringing someone. It's different because bringing someone to hang out on a Thursday night means this someone really is _someone_.

I get to our spot in pretty good time. I stick my car key down my bra for safekeeping; I'm not a purse kind of girl.

The Dive Bar is our spot and has been for quite some time.

Walking through the door is difficult because entering the building means facing reality. So I pace it instead and encourage myself: _I can do this. He does not have to make me crazy every time. I can be nice to his chick. I can be nice for him._

My phone vibrates again, irritating me thoroughly.

"I'm out front," I say, knowing it's Jake.

"Seriously, Bells?"

Jake's intolerant tone makes me anxious.

"Yeah-hey, can you come out here? Don't let folks know I'm here. Just, can you come out?" I stammer and bite on my thumbnail.

"_Jesus_… yeah, alright."

My arms fold, and I nod my head as I give myself a mental pep talk: _You and Edward, you guys are just friends now. You have to get over it. Be cool tonight. Give him a shot at being happy. You fucking love him._

I pull at the top of my hair and convince myself that I can be who I need to be tonight.

I look up and see Jake walking out.

Jacob Black. One fourth of the team.

"Hey, thanks, you know?" I bite my lip and give him a small hug.

"Yeah. What's going on?" he asks, his hands digging into the front pockets of his jeans. He leans against the wall and stares at me with pulled brows.

"Oh, just flipping out, per usual…" I lick my lips and run a hand through my hair to busy myself "…how's she looking?"

Jake shrugs and looks up into the sky. His eyes wander around until his dark eyes land back on me. He's stalling, and it must be worse than I think.

"She looks… sweet, Bells. She looks really sweet."

I can't help but roll my eyes. I don't mean for it to be mean. It just happens.

"Let's go."

As we walk inside, I nudge Jake's arm with my shoulder because I'm a wuss and I'm scared. He looks down and smiles.

"Hey," he says in my ear, "you got your boys."

He wraps an arm around my tight shoulders and leads the way.

I see him immediately; Edward Cullen with his green eyes that send a surge of electricity through me. He's wearing a plain grey t-shirt and my favorite dark wash jeans. He meets my eyes and nods. I give him a small wave and put on a brave face.

Jasper stands beside him and claps his hands as we approach.

"The fuck?" I ask.

"Oh, just applauding your fashionably late entrance."

He smirks and ruffles my hair. A chuckle slips from my lips, and I lightly punch his arm.

I look at Edward who stares down at me with a small smile. I move closer to him and reach my hand out to grasp the front of his shirt. His hand reaches out to me, landing on my waist.

"You're late," he says into my ear. He leans back to get a good look at me.

I nod _yes_ then shake my head in apology.

"Yeah, shit, sorry."

He nods too and pulls me to him. My heart jumps and the idea of him letting go becomes an unwelcome inevitability. The smell of his cologne mixed with his natural scent and cigarette smoke remind me of better days. _Intimate times_. But as it is, the hug ends and we take a few steps away from each other.

"So, where is…"

I hope somebody will say her name for me.

"Kate's in the bathroom. Let's get you a drink," Jasper says as he puts an arm around me.

He leads me to the bar.

"Is it a shot kind of night, Bells?" Jasper asks, his hand in the air to flag down the bartender.

"Yeah. _Fuck_ yeah."

I can't stand still as I keep an eye out for Kate.

"She ain't got a whole lot on you, Bella," Jasper assures, aware of me scouting for the girl who got my guy.

"Yeah, yeah."

We take our shots and head back to our spot. I lose my footing for a moment, because_ there she is_.

_Adorable_. That's how I'll describe her. She's got a sweet little pout and hazel doll eyes. Her hair is adorable too: French braids around the front with the rest of it flowing loosely behind. Her outfit? _Adorable_. A strapless summer dress with flats.

I must be glaring daggers or something, because I feel Jasper tap me with his foot.

"Alrighty, folks! Drink up. I got first round, and it's a shot kind of a night my friends, because our Bell of the Ball has gotten us off to a late start," Jasper announces as he passes shots of tequila around.

Jake pulls out a seat for me, and I sit facing Edward and Kate. She looks wide-eyed at the shot in front of her and turns to Edward. I watch her as she eats his ear with her lips. I hate how he leans into her, his arm wrapping around her neck as he listens carefully.

He chuckles and flags a waiter down.

He orders a Coke for her. Kate laughs and rests her forehead on Edward's shoulder, embarrassed. He kisses her head. It's all so fucking sweet.

I feel Jake kick my chair, and I snap my head to him.

"Retract claws, kitty," he whispers. "You'd better get right, 'cause your heart is a neon sign on your sleeve, blinking and shit."

Taking a deep breath, I nod.

When the Coke arrives, we toast to twenty years of good times and several more to come.

Kate plugs her nose and takes a sip. She coughs and her hand flies to cover her mouth. She grabs desperately for the Coke.

"_Jesus Christ_," I practically hiss with a disapproving shake of my head. I down my shot, the way it is meant to be done. Jasper, who has taken the seat beside me winks with a sly smirk.

"Wow," Kate chokes out as she lightly pounds on her chest, "that was not very tasty."

Then, she giggles. Like, Snow White giggles. Like, Cinderella giggles. I half expect some birds and mice to come dancing around the table. _Who is this girl_?

Not me. That's who this girl is. She is not me. And Edward, for the first time, wants someone who is not me. The tequila sits at the pit of my stomach and begins to grow tentacles that spread through my entire body. I love the warm feeling that engulfs my insides. It makes me brave. It makes me sad. It makes me mean.

"N'other round?" I ask, my finger twirling in a circle.

I don't wait for a yes and make my way to the bar. My fingers tap impatiently. It's a busy night.

I straighten up as I feel a humming through my body. I close my eyes and wait for him to approach me. When I feel his fingers low on my back, I turn to face him.

"Need help?" Edward asks.

"Hah. You know better than anyone."

Brave. Today I am tequila brave. I watch him as he drops his head.

"Not tonight, Bells. Please?"

He searches my eyes and lifts his pretty brows.

"Not tonight what? I'm fucking ecstatic for you and your new girl."

I shrug and lightly kick the toe of his shoes with my foot. I try to be cool. I hear him sigh.

"Alright, thanks." He smiles and points toward the shots. "How 'bout we take one, just you and me?"

I pick up a glass and hold it up.

"To being… "

I search for something to cheers to.

"Fucking ecstatic?" Edward offers. I laugh and tap his glass with my own.

He orders only one replacement shot.

"Kate's good with the one," he explains.

"So, Kate, she's _adorable_," I say, hoping he doesn't catch the hint of disdain in my voice. Or maybe I do.

"Yeah, she's… she's sweet. Simple."

He says simple, like simple is perfect. Like simple is all it takes.

"Good, good. God, yeah, that's… great. Simple."

I repeat the word, like it will help me process it. Help me swallow it. Maybe… _be_ it a little?

"I'm glad for you, you know? Simple is good; it's really good for you," I continue, not knowing what I'm hoping my words will convince him of. That I'm okay? That I don't _need_ him? That I don't ache because we aren't together anymore?

He looks at me like he's evaluating me. He wants to believe me.

We take the shots back to the table. He takes his seat next to Kate, I sit between my anchors, Jasper to my right, Jacob to my left. They will hold me down. They will get me through tonight.

As the evening lingers on, I do my best to focus on this Thursday as though it were any Thursday. I want stories from my pals. I make myself interested in hearing the dirty on their conquests. I just want to forget about the pretty girl with my pretty guy.

Edward and Kate spend a majority of the night whispering in each other's ear. They giggle and flirt like teenagers.

When I see him nuzzle her neck with his nose, I have to get out of there. I order another shot of tequila, shoot it down, and tell Jake and Jasper that I will be right back.

My back leans against the brick wall. The fresh air is soothing. I close my eyes and will the sadness away.

I feel almost okay, when I feel it. _Humming_. He's here.

I open my eyes to see Edward. He stands in front of me-tall, beautiful...worried.

"Too much tequila?" he asks, stepping closer.

I shake my head.

_No, silly_.

He reaches out his hand, tucks my hair behind my ear, and pulls out my emergency cigarette. Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out a lighter.

"Can we share?" he asks.

I nod and watch the stick between his lips. He inhales and I envy the smoke and how it gets to wade inside of him. He brings the cigarette to my lips, and I pull at it, resisting the urge to lick the tips of his fingers. He watches me as I let the smoke spill out. Lifting the side of his lips, he puts the cigarette back to his mouth. Lucky stick.

"I fucking hate this," I blurt out. Word vomit. I look away as he hangs his head low, the cigarette dangling from his lips. He exhales and squints his eyes to look at me through the curtain of smoke.

"I don't know what to say," he whispers.

_Say you forgive me. Say that you know that I can do better and that you're willing to really let me try. Say you love me so fucking much that you could throw away that pretty little thing in there and be with me again._

I don't say any of that. I just move closer to him, and he doesn't step back. We are so close that he has to take the cigarette out of his mouth to keep it from burning me. I move closer. He still doesn't back away, but keeps his eyes down, focused on his feet. I can tell that he knows he should _do_ something, because his breathing slows, and I can see the hesitation in him.

"Edward," I whisper pleadingly. _Desperately_.

He meets my eyes.

"Don't." He shakes his head. He knows me.

I ignore him and stand to my tiptoes. I reach for his neck and pull him down to rest my forehead against his. His eyes close and he shakes his head. But I pull his jaw toward me and gently kiss his lips.

"Stop, Bells," he warns, pulling away.

I refuse. Tequila brave. I hold his jaw and pull him in again, my kiss needier than ever.

"Bella..." I feel powerful as his warning loses its resistance.

I wrap my arms around his neck and cling him to me, satisfying the ache that had been living in me for months now.

He kisses me back, hard and strong, pushing and pulling in a way that told me it wasn't over. I let myself sink into him.

Then it all stops. He shoves me away, and I fall back against the wall.

"Stop. _Fuck_!" he yells, frustrated as he runs the back of his hand over his mouth, the other through his hair. "Don't make me that guy. I'm not _that guy_. I don't fucking cheat on nice girls who want to be with me!"

He throws the burning cigarette on the floor and slams his hands against the wall on either side of me.

"This…" he gestures between himself and me "…this is over. I can't… I can't do it anymore. All the fucking bullshit!"

He backs away as he wipes his palm on his face.

"I can't."

He walks back into the bar. I slide down the wall and grab the cigarette that is nearly out. I put it to my lips, tasting him. _Him_. I think back to the beginning.


	2. Chapter 2

**Ch 2 beta'd by Klooqy and BelleDean**

****Many thanks to Edwardsmerp and Amerymarie for pre-reading :)**  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Two (Past)<br>**

I met my boys when we were seven. The four of us would get dropped off at Mrs. Jensen's during the summers. She was like a hundred years old and would babysit us while our parents worked. Mrs. Jensen's salt and pepper hair was always tied up in a tight bun with frizzy strands sticking out around her hairline. She wore clean white shoes like the nurses from the fifties, and stockings with snags running up her legs. We were pretty shitty back then, poor thing. We would hide her dentures and tie the laces to her shoes together so that she couldn't chase us when we raised hell in her home.

I remember that first day well.

Jake and Jasper were already there, saving the "world" with their Ninja Turtle action figures when Charlie, my dad, pulled open the screen door. His black caterpillar mustache wriggled as he chatted up Mrs. Jensen about the specifics of her babysitting services. With an encouraging pat on my head, he sent me to play with Michelangelo and Raphael incarnate.

"You can be April," Jake said, tossing me a naked Barbie. His dark eyes rolled at me, like my presence was such a bother to him, or at least, my gender created a great hitch in his overall plan to destroy the Shredder.

I poked at the plastic body with the toe of my checkered slip-ons. With a scowl, I eyed the slender figure with her permanent tiptoe stance and breasts so large she would tip over as a flesh and blood woman. She didn't even look like the redheaded reporter.

"I don't wanna be April." I shoved the blonde-haired, blue-eyed doll away, like her femininity would rub off on me if she were any closer. I couldn't have that.

"Well, that's the only girl." Jasper shrugged.

"I wanna be Donatello."

"Why? Because he wears purple?" Jake scoffed.

"No. Because he's smart." My chin jutted up, ready for his rebuttal. But he just smacked his lips in distaste and let his eyes curl up toward the ceiling.

"Whatever."

It was well into our third run-in with Be Bop and Rock Steady; Shredder had eluded us twice, and Leonardo was being held captive and near death for the fourth time, when Edward showed up. He walked in, hand in the warm grasp of his mother's. Her long, dark ginger hair was perfectly parted and lightly curled. It complemented Edward's meticulously slicked-back do; the kind that made it look like he had just stepped out of one of the framed photos from Mrs. Jensen's youth. He looked like such a tool in his khakis and plaid shirt buttoned to the neck.

She leaned down to press a kiss on his cheek before turning, leaving a pink splotch beneath his left eye. As her long legs carried her to the door, she waved goodbye to Edward before disappearing behind it. As soon as the door was shut, Edward ran his hand through his hair and raked his fingers through it to completely undo whatever work had been done to tame it. He unbuttoned his top to the very bottom, and peeled the sides of his over-shirt out to expose his ThunderCats graphic tee in one swift gesture, like Clark Kent as he transformed into Superman.

"What are you guys playing?" he asked, dropping to his knees between Jake and me.

"I'm Raphael, he's Michelangelo, and she's Donatello. Here, you can be Leo." Jake slid the last crime fighting turtle to him.

Edward grabbed for the figure and tested out the mechanics, making sure the arms swung easily, and the legs could bend to create the perfect defensive kicks. When he was certain that he could properly fight evil with it, he turned to me, setting the green figurine in his lap.

"I'm Edward." The left side of his lips pulled up into a crooked grin, and his eyes searched mine for an answer, though he hadn't even asked a question.

I stared blankly back at him. What did he want me to do with that information?

Jake called the game to session, and Edward seamlessly entered the mix. We fought a good fight. But in the end, Shredder made another impossible (not to mention ridiculous) escape.

Mrs. Jensen made us crust-less peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and forced us to sit at the kitchen table as we ate. Tall glasses of milk accompanied each of our meals. We were all so small back then. Our legs hung off the end of the chairs and swung back and forth beneath the table. Mrs. Jensen sat in the other room knitting and hummed her favorite oldies tune.

"You're not so bad," Jake said, a giant bite of sandwich still being chewed in his mouth. He nodded at me. "If you cut your hair more, you'd look like a boy."

"Jake." Jasper's eyes had rounded with surprise. The space between his brows twitched as he fought between wanting to be polite and doubling over in laughter. His forehead touched base on the tabletop, and his shoulders shook as he giggled, his humor conquering his good sense. "That's mean." He tried to stifle his laughter but failed miserably.

I grabbed at the ends of my freshly cut bob. I had wanted to go shorter, but the hair stylist was afraid that I would, in fact, look like a boy. She told me that this cut would take from my giant front teeth and put a little more emphasis on my pointed chin. She wanted to dye my hair and make it a little darker because, according to her, the milk chocolate color it was did nothing for my complexion. I had rolled my eyes and gave Charlie a strict shake of my head. No way.

"I think you look pretty."

My eyes slowly swept to my right, where Edward sat. He looked like a fool with his upper lip lined with a milk mustache.

Jake and Jasper had frozen in their seats, their eyes alternating from Edward to me, then me to Edward. He just sat there, lips pursed in a tight line, and his wayward hair dangling over his downcast eyes. He ran the back of his hand, which was balled into a tight fist, over his lip to wipe the traces of milk away.

I stared down at my plate wanting to disappear. His compliment had unwittingly translated as an insult because at seven, any reminder that I was a girl was the bane of my existence. Growing up with a single father like Charlie and zero female role models could do that.

I ignored the awkward words that hung in the air like the lingering scent of bad cologne and picked up my sandwich.

"Bet I can finish all of this before any of you," I challenged.

The boys eagerly grabbed for their own sandwiches.

No one won as our jaws tired from the putty that came of the peanut butter and jelly. Our giggles filled the air, and our glasses of milk disappeared as we washed the sticky food down. And just like that, the embarrassing comment was left with the crumbs.

Over the years, Jake got over me being a girl, Jasper continued to let his humor get the best of him, and it would be a very long time before Edward called me pretty again.

When we got older and no longer required adult supervision, we would alternate houses to "study" at right after school. We would plan to have our study sessions at whomever's house would be free of parental guidance.

We got into a lot of shit during our middle school years. Luckily, we had each other's backs.

When we were in sixth grade, Mike Newton and his crew had decided that they didn't much care for Jasper's sense of humor. They tried to jump him after school. Word got out quickly, and Jasper, Jake, Edward, and I got suspended for two days for fighting. Totally worth it. From that day on, people knew that if you messed with one of us, we would all come swinging.

By the time seventh grade rolled around, we were tighter than ever and as mischievous as could be.

"Try it!" Jake had demanded, waving the black-labeled bottle of Jack Daniel's in my face.

The four of us were sitting on the floor in his room. Jake had swiped the bottle of liquor from the local market on our way home from school.

"Dude. I'm scared!" I said. I had let my hair grow long and had since developed a habit of running my hand through it whenever I became anxious.

I felt Edward nudge my shoulder from his place beside me. His legs, which seemed to lengthen every month, stretched out in front of him, and his arms supported his weight behind him.

"I'll take it with you." He winked.

"We'll all take some." Jasper laughed, delighted that we would all soon be experiencing drunkenness together. The boys had already dabbled in drinking a couple months ago, when I was out due to the flu.

We drank straight from the bottle, too young and free to care about hygiene. I gripped the neck of the bottle in a tight fist and took a quick whiff of the amber liquid. It was pungent and unlike anything I had ever smelt before, not at all like Charlie's beers. I took a quick glance around me and was met with enthusiasm and impatience staring at me through the eyes of the boys surrounding me. I took one swig and nearly choked as the lukewarm liquid traveled down my throat. Edward took the bottle from me and drank from it before passing it along.

I had expected the feeling of being drunk to kick in immediately, and when it didn't, I grabbed the bottle and took another decent gulp. I was always doing shit like that—mostly stupid shit on a whim.

"Whoa!" Edward grabbed the bottle and handed it to Jake who was staring at me wide-eyed and jaw dropped.

"Ohhh, she's gonna feel that in about three, two…" Jasper fell backwards with laughter, and his infectious giggles took Jake down with him.

"Oh man…" Edward shook his head, a giant grin on his lips "…when the room starts spinning, I'm right here."

I looked up at him, feeling a warm sensation in my stomach and a sudden head change.

"Wow," I murmured, the whiskey taking over. "Do you feel like this, too?"

He looked down at me and nodded.

"Probably not as good as you do. I learned my lesson the first time."

"I just don't see how this could go from this…" my hands rubbed in a circle on my stomach "…to a lesson being learned."

Edward smiled, in that crooked way that he had perfected over the years.

"Hey, let's go see what Alice and Rosalie are doing. I heard they were gonna go swimming at Brandon's," Jasper suggested, taking another gulp. He had been curious about Alice Brandon and her best friend Rosalie Hale for a few weeks now.

Jake perked up and grabbed the bottle to take another gulp as well.

"I am definitely into that," he said, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. "I fucking love bikini season!"

"Yeah, gounds sood," I slurred, wobbling as I stood.

"You guys go ahead. I'll stay with Bella," Edward offered. He stood to help me get my footing in order.

"All right, you two…" Jake pointed a finger in a fatherly manner "…behave. That especially means you, Edward." He and Jasper broke into hysterics as they left.

Jake and Jasper were normal boys. They chased after obviously pretty girls and flirted endlessly. I wasn't really a girl to them. I went through several awkward years before I grew into my looks. I had buck teeth and I was lanky, and definitely didn't have a lot going on in the boob area. If I hadn't known Jake and Jasper since before they were interested in girls, I don't think we would all be friends.

Edward was different. And even though he hadn't called me pretty since the first time we met, he treated me that way. I could never be just one of the guys to him. It had always been more, and he showed it through his actions.

"So, how are you feeling?" Edward asked. He offered his hands to help me take a seat on Jake's bed. I didn't take it. I wasn't very good at accepting help.

"Wonderful," I sighed. I plopped down onto the bumpy mattress. "You didn't have to stay, you know."

He quietly took a seat beside me, his arm bumping into my shoulder.

"Why do you do that?" I asked.

"Do what?"

"Stay."

He shrugged his shoulders and lay back on the bed, his hands rubbing through his hair. Of course, I wasn't only referring to this moment. Edward had made a habit of just_ being_ _there_ for me. I never could figure out why, because being there for him wasn't something I did very well.

I lay back beside him. He stared straight up at the ceiling, his hands over his head and an expression so peaceful it almost made me sleepy.

It was not that I hadn't noticed how good-looking Edward was becoming. It was just that I hadn't really cared about the perfect blend of mahogany and orange in his hair or the way it was textured into a flaming mess. I hadn't taken a particular interest in the way his jaw line was becoming sharp and more defined each day. And until that moment, I hadn't even given a second thought to how perfectly full his lips were. But the longer I stared, the more interested I became. It was a strange moment, like the light had been flipped on unexpectedly.

"Have you kissed anyone before?" I asked him suddenly.

Edward turned his head to me, a little taken aback, but he recovered quickly.

"I mean, like, my mom." He shrugged. "But I don't think that's what you mean…"

Maybe it was the whiskey or maybe it was simply teenage hormones, or both. Either way, I was ready to test uncharted waters.

"Will you kiss me?" I asked, scooting closer to him.

He was silent for a moment before turning his body to me. We lay on our sides, facing each other, our lips merely inches away. Neither of us was brave enough to make the first move. I closed my eyes and waited. My heartbeat picked up speed as I felt Edward's hand curl around my neck.

I wasn't sure what I expected a kiss to feel like. But when his lips, soft and warm, pressed against mine, my stomach felt like it was doing somersaults; my entire body buzzed from it and even my ears felt ticklish. It was a sweet first kiss—closed-mouth and chaste.

Edward Cullen was my first kiss and I was his. We kissed a lot that day.


	3. Chapter 3

**So much thanks to BelleDean and torisurfergirl who beta'd this chapter. Edwardsmerp :) And an uber special thank you to amerymarie for being all around awesome :)**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter <strong>**Three (Present)  
><strong>

As my cigarette dies out, I get up and head back into the bar. I'm barely three steps through the door, when an arm wraps around my waist, and I'm pulled against a hard chest.

"You are fucking gorgeous." The words are whispered into my ear, and they're just what I need.

He pulls his head back, his arm still holding me against him. He is tatted and hot, but not who I want.

"Thanks." I push my hands against him to get my personal space back. He gets the hint and releases me.

"Let me know if I can buy you a drink, doll." He smirks before licking his lips.

"I'll do that."

Maybe I will, maybe I won't. But, I'll keep him in my back pocket, just in case things continue to go south with Edward. I throw him a flirtatious smile and refrain from rolling my eyes as I turn away.

I'm not ready to sit down and play nice, so I make a b-line to the bathroom.

Standing in front of a sink, staring at my reflection in the dull mirror, I touch my lips, remembering the feel of his—the lips I know so well. It had been too long since I last kissed Edward, since before he last kissed me.

This is familiar territory, this… game. I guess you could call it a game. We play it often, and I always win. But, tonight he is putting up a fight. He wants me to believe it's over.

It can't be _over_.

A thickness builds in my throat, and I swallow it down. _No __tears_, please. The thickness builds again, and I spit into the sink and lock my jaws to keep my tears from escaping.

_Pull __it __together, __Bella._

But this last shot is really beginning to own me, and I begin to feel… what is it, mad? Sad?

One of the red doors to the stalls behind me flings open, and I stare at the pretty girl through the reflection off the mirror. My heart squeezes with jealousy, because she is beautiful and so very different from me. She's a blonde. I'm a brunette. She's curvy. I'm curve-less. She's got full lips. I don't. And, let's not forget, she's simple. I'm not.

"Oh, Bella! Goodness, I think I just puked up my dinner." She laughs as she takes the sink next to me and begins to wash her hands. She takes water into her mouth and gargles. Gross. What a wimp.

_Bad __timing, __princess._

I squeeze the rim of the porcelain sink as I scrutinize her.

_Who __wears __a __little __strapless __sun dress __to __a __freaking dive __bar? __And, __uh, __a __clutch? __A __bow-shaped __clutch? __Really, __Edward?_

She shakes her hands, trying to discard the excess water.

"Bella, I'm glad I caught you here. I have been dying to meet you for a while now." She's got such a bounce to her voice, and I hate her for it. Doesn't she know that I'm dying over here?

"Is that right?" I answer sweetly. Folding my arms together, I rest my hip against the sink.

She nods, stepping closer to me.

"Edward, he just adores you."

My heart stops, and I'm flooded with a plethora of emotions that I can't even begin to sort through. He _adores_ me.

She continues, "I know how much you mean to him, and I just… I really want to be friends."

I lift a brow.

_Did __he __tell __you __I __know __what __he __looks __like __naked? __Did __he __tell __you __that __I __know __exactly __how __he __likes __his __blowjobs?_

I bite my bottom lip, mostly to keep myself from saying anything.

"I know you're like a sister to him, and, well… I would like to hang out with you sometime and get to know you better." She smiles at me, and she's all sunbeams and blue skies. Oblivious.

"Hah!" I can't help the laugh that escapes me. "Yeah, uh, we are like sister and brother." I cross my index and middle finger to show how close we are.

He hasn't told her about us. He hasn't told her about the formative years of his life. At least, if he has, he has left out some pretty damning details and basically censored the shit out it. If she knew, she'd probably forbid him to be anywhere near me.

I smile, because him not telling her? This bodes well for me.

I wrap my arm around her bare shoulders and lead her back to the table, mostly because I feel sorry for the poor thing. She doesn't stand a chance.

I notice Edward tense as we approach; his brows pull together, and he eyes my arm around his girl.

The shot is really kicking in, and I'm feeling feisty. I release Kate and take her seat beside Edward. My limbs feel loose, and more so, my mouth.

Jasper and Jake can tell something is up. They elbow each other and wait.

"So, Edward…" I rest my arm around him "…Kate tells me that you have been talking about me. Or, I guess I should say, _us._"

He shifts uncomfortably. I feel his hand on my thigh, under the table. He squeezes, asking me not to spoil the evening. That angers me. And, I'd be lying if I said it didn't thrill me as well.

"Kate, I'm sure Edward has told you a ton of stories about our little group here and all the mischief we got ourselves into." I place my hand on _his_ thigh, challenging him, daring him to play with me.

"Actually, Edward hasn't really told me any stories about growing up. I think it's fantastic that you all have such a close knit relationship," Kate, who's still standing, gushes before giving up hope of reclaiming her seat and making due with the chair next to Jake.

"Oh, we've got stories, don't we, Edward?" I ask, as I massage my hand upwards. "You should definitely tell her about high school graduation." My words are doused in insinuation, and it's game on.

Edward stiffens and releases his hold. I smirk in victory.

I see Jake and Jasper exchange looks, and I hope they don't plan on intervening. But, if I know Jake…

"High school graduation? Oh man, that's hardly Thursday night story worthy. Besides, we don't want to spend the rest of our evening talking about tired shit that doesn't exist anymore, am I right?" Jake looks at me pointedly. "Kate, walk with me. Talk with me."

He's giving Edward an opportunity to get out of this.

I roll my eyes, and out of habit, I rest my head against Edward. He doesn't push me away. I look straight at Kate; she looks uncomfortable, and I like that. She continues to stare at the interaction between her man and me. I scoot closer to Edward, and press myself to him. He doesn't move. I knew he wouldn't. I know him well.

Kate stands, and I can tell she doesn't want to leave us alone. I can tell that she is beginning to dislike me. But, she follows Jake anyway, because like Edward said, she's simple. Unlike me.

"Bella, come on," Edward whispers when Kate is out of earshot.

Jasper, understanding that he is an extra letter in an A-B conversation, stands and points to an imaginary person, does a ridiculous exchange of hand gestures, and leaves us alone.

"She's not right for you," I say as I turn to face Edward. "You know she isn't the one for you."

He sighs, annoyed and frustrated. And, I want to believe it's because he knows I'm right.

"She could be right for me. She's nice, and you know what? She wants me."

"Lots of girls want you, Edward."

"Well I want her, too."

"Do you?"

"Yes."

"Do you want her most of all?" My lips brush against his earlobe, and I nuzzle my nose against his jaw—rough with stubble. I feel the way his breath leaves him in a longing sigh. He turns to face me, and we're so close that if either of us moves just a little, our lips will meet.

"Yes," he answers, his jaw tightening.

He's a liar. Now, I'm annoyed and frustrated. I stand, keeping my eyes locked on him.

"I hope you're sure about that," I say.

He nods, almost imperceptibly.

And, I'm more determined than ever as I head toward the bar and straight to the tatted ace up my sleeve.


	4. Chapter 4

**BelleDean and JulieToo beta'd this chapter. Edwardsmerp pre-read**.

**Note* I added things in after my amazing beta's did their work. So, any errors are totally on me.**

* * *

><p><strong>Hold Me Down (PAST)<br>**

By: _peri_

__**Chapter Four  
><strong>

By the time we were freshmen in high school, Edward and I had explored a little more than each other's mouths.

"Are you my girlfriend?" he asked.

We were lying on his bed and had just finished rounding second base. His hand was up my shirt, his palm flat and warm against my stomach. The spot just beneath my earlobe was still tingling from the way he had suckled on it—pulling at the delicate skin with his lips, bringing the rosy blood up, just to the surface.

"Oh, um… we're friends." I shrugged and sat up, scooting to the edge of his bed.

"So, you do this with Jasper and Jake?" The expression on his face was disbelieving, with his brows furrowed and his mouth slightly agape, as he joined me at the edge

"Ew, no. _Edward_… it's fun, isn't it?" I hopped to my feet and stood in front of him, wrapping my arms around his warm neck.

His evergreen eyes narrowed and did a full left-to-right sweep.

"Okay …you're not my girlfriend, but you're not just my friend?"

That was a subject that came up more and more. What was _this_? What were _we_?

I didn't want to know.

I didn't want a boyfriend, I knew that much. And, I most certainly didn't want to be anyone's girlfriend. Being in a relationship had never appealed to me, especially after Renee, my mom, had bailed. Charlie had invested so much heart into her, and that shit never panned out. So _fuck_ that.

Why couldn't we just leave it as it was—undefined and un-invested?

Leaning in, I sucked on his bottom lip, before slipping my tongue inside his mouth. Kissing was easier than talking. It was easier than telling him things he didn't want to hear.

He pulled me on top of him, and we were chest-to-chest, nose-to-nose. My hair curtained our faces, and his eyes searched mine—_always_ searching for an answer to a question he didn't ask. What wasn't he saying out loud, and what was he hoping he'd find?

He reached up, lightly pressing his lips to mine.

"You're the only girl I want to kiss." And then he gave me that crooked smile of his.

Maybe he was waiting for me to say the same, to give him something to bring the other side of his lips up for. But I didn't. I couldn't.

All I had to say were words that would break his heart: _I don't feel the same_.

Sophomore year of high school was a good year. It was good, in that we were all so bad. We got high for the first time; that was a trip. Jasper stole the keys to his dad's 4Runner and we went joy riding. We nearly totaled it. Jake borrowed a triple x rated movie from his cousin, and we watched it twice, give or take (mostly give). We got invited to our first real high school party, where we all got so shitfaced it took nearly forty minutes for us to piece together how we ended up with Jake on the tiled floor of his bathroom, Jasper with his lower half out the door, me under the bed with Edward beside me, his arm pinning me down. We got high for the second and third time (and fourth, and fifth, and so on). Jasper and Jake wore perma-smiles that entire year because they got their first blowjobs.

Oh, and Edward got his first, too.

The boys joined the soccer team. By mid year, Jake and Jasper were nearly consumed by it. During soccer season, it nearly replaced video gaming, movie hopping, hot-boxing, joy riding, and anything else we usually did during our free time.

Edward… he was consumed by other things.

We had third period English together. Early on in the year, we had established ourselves at the back of the classroom. It was a good place for me; the class was nearly eighty percent female. I swear they had it out for me.

"Hi, Edward." Rosalie walked by, wiggling her fingers at him. Her neon colored bangles clanked together obnoxiously. She thought she was cute like that. They all did. All the girls with their short-ass skirts and glitter eye shadow, heavy perfume, and push up bras; their stupid fucking giggles and ridiculous hair flips, among other obvious flirtations. It annoyed the shit out of me.

Rosalie's thick, skirt-clad hips sashayed dramatically as she sauntered toward her seat. She was trying hard to vie for his attention. She was always trying too hard.

Before settling at her desk, she shot me a glare so cold I could feel the chill. And it was like she had given some command to the other girls in class, because I was suddenly being bombarded with invisible icicles, coming at me from nearly all directions.

"That bitch hates me," I said, my eyes rolling. I pulled out my notebook and tossed it onto the desk.

"Fuck her." Edward shrugged as he dug into his backpack.

He didn't get it. The girls _hated_ me. I could admit that some of the problem was me. I didn't know how to relate to them. I had a hard time finding anything intriguing about the latest boy band, and shopping was a form of cruel and unusual punishment for me. But, most of it was them. They were mean. And I got that I wasn't exactly Miss Congeniality, but I wasn't the kind of hateful mean that they were. The worst was their evil gossiping: I was a dyke, I was a whore, I was a dude, I was this, or I was that. I was anything they decided I was.

"They _all_ hate me," I whispered.

I realized that was the first time I ever said it out loud. And it sucked. It hurt, more than I would have ever believed, if I hadn't actually felt it twisting my insides.

A lump began to build in my throat. I swallowed it down quickly.

Edward leaned in to me and whispered in my ear, "Fuck them all." He gave me a stern nod.

He rested his arm over the backrest of my chair, and his fingers lightly rubbed against my arm. I pulled forward to break the contact and pretended to focus on my notes. I couldn't handle his affections. I had enough to deal with.

I could feel his eyes on me, watching me, figuring me out. After a few moments, he took his arm off of my chair.

He didn't try to touch me again.

For sixth period, I was a TA for the office. They usually sent me on bullshit errands; I used the freedom wisely. Jasper and Edward had P.E. so I always dropped by the field to chit-chat.

It was "mile day", so students were free to do whatever, once they completed their run. Per usual, Jasper and Edward were the center of a group of chicks, and, _per usual_, they rolled their eyes as Edward promptly left them to hang out with me. Jasper was a little more diplomatic, politely ending conversations before heading over.

When Edward got to me, his cheeks were pink from the cool air against his warmth. Little specks of sweat glistened at his temple, and his breath puffed out of him in tiny clouds. He stared down at me with a small smile.

I totally got why girls turned into pools of jelly around him; he was gorgeous. Every year his eyes got greener, his jaw got sharper, his smile got sweeter. I sometimes wished I could be like them—those silly girls—all gooey and mushy. But I was stuck in this unthawed state… and I didn't know how to get out of it.

I kicked at his sneakers with my foot. Wind blew my hair across my face, momentarily blinding me. I tucked most of it behind my ear, but a few strands managed to stick against my cheek. Edward lifted his hand, like he was going to sweep the locks away, but he paused and ran it through his own hair instead.

"Can I come over after school?" he asked.

"Don't you have soccer practice?"

He shrugged, his tongue flicking over his bottom lip. Leaning in, he gave me this _look_; this heavy lidded gaze that told me that kicking some checkered ball around was the last thing on his mind. My eyes were drawn to his lips immediately and desire shot through me, giving me a rush that made me shiver.

"Yeah. Okay."

It was a routine when Edward and I were alone together. We'd start off with light conversation, talking about this and that. We'd watch some T.V., snack on some food. Eventually, he'd lean in to me, or I'd pull at him, and we'd just kiss and kiss, before getting to the good stuff.

The boys had practice nearly everyday during the winter. I sat out on the bleachers or on the sidelines out on the field. The JV cheerleaders held their practice out there, too. That was torture. They had their hair pulled up in tight ponytails, which bounced in everlasting excitement at anything and everything. They were loud and annoying as they clapped and hooted over every successful pass and every single goal made. What irritated me most was that their stupid cheers would get stuck in my head for days. Fucking cheerleaders.

I stood with Jasper as he sat out on a scrimmage. He juggled the ball with his feet, kicking it from foot to foot then knee to knee, never letting it fall.

"Parents are gonna be gone for the night. Party at the Whitlocks!" He let the ball drop and started dribbling it between his feet.

"Cool." I watched, waiting for an opportunity to steal the ball away.

"Alice is coming. Since, you know."

I groaned.

Jasper officially started dating Alice. That was… whatever. But Alice was a package deal—she came with Rosalie Hale. And the more we saw of Alice, the more we saw of _her_.

He paused, the ball resting between the insides of his ankles.

"Hey, could you be nice?" he asked.

My brows pulled together, and I was immediately in defense mode.

"Me? What about them!"

"I don't care about Rosalie. But could you be nice to Alice?"

I shoved my hands into the pocket of my hoodie and huffed, my lips pulling to a frown.

"She barely says a word to me."

"I know, and I'm gonna talk to her about that. But I'm asking _you_ because… you know." He shrugged his shoulders. "You're one of my best friends. I _need_ you to get along with her."

Sighing, I attempted to kick the ball away from him. But, he was quick and agile. We laughed, while he was able to completely out-maneuver me, practically making me spin in circles. He rolled the ball onto his foot, shooting it up in the air, and as it dropped back down, he kicked it, sending it soaring between two bright orange cones.

I clapped my hands and offered him a fist bump. But instead of tapping his knuckles with mine, he covered my fist with his hand and gave me this look—this disarming, almost scared look.

"Please?" he asked. His brows pulled up, making his eyes round and childlike.

Of course, I would.

I answered with a small nod.

He smiled so widely I thought his lips might tear, right down the middle.

"Thanks, Bells!" He pulled me into a headlock, forcing my face into his sweat-soaked chest. I poked at his stomach incessantly—right where I knew he was most ticklish—until he finally released me. But not without ruffling my head, making sure my hair was properly disheveled.

"Thanks, asshole." I flicked at his arm with my fingers, making him yelp; he flicked me back on my forehead, making my eyes tear. We rubbed at our wounds, biting back our laughter.

I'd try to make nice with Alice for him. How could I not?

Jasper's house was the best place to have parties and kickbacks. It wasn't huge or anything. It was a modest three-bedroom, two bathroom, middle class home. But he had a really cool attic, plus a sizable family room stocked with video games galore. It wasn't often that we got to throw anything there, but on occasion, his parents would take small overnight trips. And we'd make those nights count.

We sat in Jasper's family room, sipping on rum and Cokes and playing Street Fighter while we waited for Alice and Rosalie. Jasper said that he had told them to drop by around five. It was almost six.

I sat on the floor, my back against the couch, between Jake and Edward's feet. Jasper took the recliner and impatiently tapped at his knees with his fingers as he watched Jake and I play.

"Relax, fool," Jake sniped. His eyes were fixed on the TV screen; he had his tongue hanging out, and his shoulders mimicked the way his player moved.

"I _am_ relaxed," Jasper lied, checking the clock for the umpteenth time.

Normally, this would have been the point when I would have let my criticisms against Alice and my arch nemesis, rip. But I had promised to make nice, so I literally bit my tongue and pooled all my energy into slaying my opponents.

When I KO'd Jake's E Honda, I threw my controller down and whooped, like Arsenio Hall. I loved winning.

Jake rolled his eyes and tossed the controller to Jasper as he mumbled something under his breath. Jake was a sore loser. I flipped him off.

I was killing it—destroying Jake and owning Jasper's ass—when Alice and Rosalie finally showed up. When they walked in, it became clear why they had arrived so late. They were dressed like they were about to hit the club or something—tight jeans, mid-drift tanks, and so much make up, I was looking for the rest of the clowns behind them.

We headed to the kitchen to pour some shots. Crowding around the marble-topped island, I set out six cups and filled them with rum. And, making good on my agreement with Jasper, I held one out to Alice.

"Here." I offered it to her with a small smile.

She took it, sort of nodding at me and mouthing 'thanks'. Rosalie started whispering in her ear and they both giggled as they glanced at me in quick flits. _Bitches_. I guess Jasper didn't have that conversation with her yet.

I took my shot and slammed the empty cup on the counter.

"We were supposed to take one together," Jake said, practically scolding me.

I shrugged and poured myself another one. Getting fucked up seemed like a good idea at the time.

As everyone lifted their drinks in cheers, I swallowed mine impatiently. I looked around, daring someone to say something about it. No one did.

Edward tapped my foot with his, asking if I was all right. I ignored him and headed back to the family room to play video games by myself.

I could hear them in the kitchen, laughing and talking… the girls flirting and the boys eating it up. Why couldn't I just be like that—easy, breezy?

Edward showed up with two cups. He took the space beside me on the couch and nudged my shoulder with his arm.

"Wanna take one? Just you and me?" he held one of the drinks out, his brows raised, and a little smile on his lips.

"Thanks."

My stomach was burning nicely, and the alcohol made me feel light…made me feel better.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine." I waved his question away. "Wanna play?" I picked up a controller and tossed it to him.

He was kicking my ass, but I swore it was only because he was cheating. I don't know how, but he was cheating. I elbowed him as his Blanka electrocuted my Ryu, dooming him to death. Edward grabbed at his side where I nudged him and laughed.

"Cheater," I hissed.

He laughed harder, his eyes crinkling at the sides as he wrapped his arm around my neck, bringing me into him.

I shoved him away, annoyed that I lost to his trickeries.

He chuckled lightly as he held me, catching my eyes with his. His breath—warm with a hint of rum—blew at me as he exhaled slowly. He glanced down at my lips, then back to my eyes, before moving his face closer...

The sound of unsteady steps jerked me away. I pulled back, putting some distance between us.

Rosalie, who had clearly been hitting the bottle, made her way through the door and toward us. She had that half-alert look to her, and her legs were wobbly as she stood in front of us. Homegirl couldn't handle her liquor.

She tripped over her own feet, tumbling forward into Edward. I'm pretty sure she did that shit on purpose. He dropped his controller and reached his arms out, grabbing her by her hips, trying to keep her from completely eating shit in his lap. She giggled as she reached her arms out, pressing her hands against the couch.

"Oopsies." Her lips were practically in his ear. He used the grip he had on her hips to gently push her to the side. She flipped over toward me and squeezed herself between him and me, edging me out. Cuddling up to his side, she squeezed his arm. "Thanks."

I rolled my eyes and stood, throwing my controller onto the couch.

She ignored me, her focus completely on Edward. I took a couple of steps toward the door and he gave me this look, asking me not to abandon him. And as I left, I shot him one back, saying that's what he got for being a cheater.

I made my way back to the kitchen. Since Rosalie was thoroughly distracted, maybe Alice wouldn't be such a bitch.

I peeked my head through the entrance. Alice sat on the counter with Jasper standing between her legs. They looked cute, all huddled together in conversation. I left them alone… maybe he was having that talk.

I headed out front to get some fresh air and let my buzz ride.

It smelled like skunk, but not the kind that was to be avoided. I sniffed the air and followed the smell, all the way to the side of the house.

Jake was leaning against the peach stucco wall, a joint between his fingers.

"Selfish!" I scolded, standing in front of him.

He chuckled, letting out a thick cloud of smoke before he offered it out to me.

"Why are you out here alone?" I asked, grabbing the joint and taking a generous toke.

"Letting my boys get some," he said simply. He leaned his head back, resting it against the wall.

"What about you?" My lungs were packed with smoke, making my words tight and strained.

He laughed, his eyes pinching at the sides.

"If I want some, I'll go get some."

I released the smoke and grinned widely. Girls went ape-shit for Edward, but Jake didn't trail too far behind. I was convinced that his hot temper and bad attitude acted as a fucked up pheromone or something. I knew he had no trouble getting ass. In fact, I knew of one ass in particular that he should attempt to get.

"Well, why don't you go get some from Rosalie. Rescue Edward." I felt bad for leaving him like I did.

Jake laughed again and took another rip then passed it to me, but I shook my head. He crushed the tip of the joint against the wall and stuck it behind his ear.

"Yeah, I'll do that. For _Edward_."

"What was that?"

He smiled with his eyes and shrugged. "What?" he asked innocently.

"That, 'for _Edward._'"

He shook his head and ruffled my hair before heading back to the front of the house.

"Nothing," he said over his shoulder.

It was so like Jake to think that I was jealous just because I was a girl. I wasn't. At least, I didn't think I was. I just hated Rosalie, and cock-blocking the bitch made me smile.

I stood out there by myself for a while, breathing in the remnant scent of cannabis in the air.

When Edward turned the corner, I had to keep myself from laughing at him as he wiped what appeared to be lipstick off his face. It was funny, even if it was Rosalie Hale's lipstick.

"Thanks for your help," he said with a little frown.

"What, you didn't wanna hang with Miss _Thang_ in there?" I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from breaking my poker face.

"She is out of her fucking mind."

"She kissed you?"

"Tried to." He shrugged. "She looked like she was about to hurl. Jake took her to the bathroom."

"Sorry." I couldn't keep the smile at bay any longer.

He shook his head as he moved toward me, his steps slow and prowl-like. He reached out, his fingers hooking into the belt loops of my jeans, and he pulled me to him. He had gotten so tall, just in the past few months. He towered over me, forcing me to stare up at him. He pressed a soft kiss to my lips once, twice, then one more time before capturing my lips in this near-desperate way.

I backed off a little, but he held me tighter, his forehead pressing against mine. "Don't pull away from me." He was nearly begging. Kissing me again, he urged me to keep going. "No one's here," he murmured, curling his fingers around my neck, pulling me closer. "Don't pull away…" He pressed his body into me until there was no space between us. Placing his hands at my sides, he gripped me tightly, like he was holding me in place, like if he let go, I would run away. He may have been on to something.

His hands slid from my waist to my hips then slowly around the back of my thighs; and in one quick motion, he lifted me, forcing my legs to wrap around his torso and my arms around his neck. He took a few steps forward, until my back hit the cool roughness of the wall. He felt so good, pressed right at the center of me. My hips rolled as I became almost dizzy with pleasure. It was so much, too much, especially with the weed heightening my senses. I could feel myself right at the edge—so ready to tip over. I dug my face into his neck, his pulse was pounding so hard, and our breaths were so short as we picked up the pace. But, there was no way he was about to let loose in his pants out there, so we slowed down, and he let me back to my feet.

He let out this little hum, like he couldn't have been more satisfied than being there with me in that moment.

I could feel the pressure, the guilt of not feeling the same. He felt great, amazing even, but I couldn't drown in him the way he did in me. So, I did what I did best: fuck shit up.

"It's okay, you know," I said, breathless.

"What's okay?" He pressed his wet lips against my neck, right at my pulse.

"If you want to hook up with other people."

He paused, his breath cold against the wet of his kisses, before dropping his head and pressing his palms against the wall.

"I'm just saying… I mean… I don't want you to miss out on anything because you think I'll get mad."

It all made perfect sense in my head: if Edward hooked up with other people, then I wouldn't have to feel guilty for not being some love-struck puppy.

I was a stupid girl.

He blew out a long breath and stared off to the side. Seconds ticked by like minutes before he pushed off the wall and completely backed away from me.

"Okay…" he shook his head and let out a dishonest chuckle "…good to know." He took several steps backwards. "Thanks for the FYI." Rolling his eyes, he turned and disappeared behind the corner.

I should have appreciated every one of those moments; when he wanted me more than anything, more than anyone. But I learned things the hard way.


	5. Chapter 5

****Thanks to BelleDean for her beta work! And an extra super-sized thanks to SusanQ for rec-ing this thing so hard and anyone else who has rec'd (Katti456!).****

****AmeryMarie: you get my Bella and her voice. Thank you so much for your beta work~ I feel so lucky to have found you :)****

* * *

><p><strong>Hold Me Down (PRESENT)<br>**

By: _peri_

**Chapter Five**

I can feel Edward's eyes on me, burning at my back, as I approach the bar. A part of me wants to turn around, head right back to that table and sit down with him. Talk it out. Show him different—that I can _be_ different. But my legs keep moving, keep pushing on.

My inked bait sweeps his ocean blues over my entire body. They start at my toes and sort of swivel around my hips, until settling on my eyes. He's cocky as he lazily holds his glass of beer by the tips of his fingers. He thinks he's hot-shit.

He's not.

Standing from his seat on the stool, he offers it to me, but I don't take it.

"You cashing in on that offer?" he asks.

"Yep." I turn around, resting my back against the dark mahogany of the counter and place my elbows on it as well, dropping my weight onto them.

My eyes fall on Edward as he watches from his place across the way. I feel a good kind of heaviness under his watch. I've missed it, even if it's under these circumstances. I catch his eyes, and the ache of wanting him back churns painfully in my chest. I try to bring myself to break the gaze, but I can't look away. Even if all of San Francisco were to collapse at my feet, I can't tear my eyes away from him. I want to call to him… wave him over so we can have a drink together, so we can be the friends that we were.

In my head, I see how I wish this night would play out: it's him and me, and the bar isn't as busy and bustling as it is. Kate _doesn't exist_. Jake and Jasper battle each other at the dartboards; and Edward and I sit… just the two of us. I say that I'm sorry… that he should know by now that I'm fucked up, but I love him _so _much. He brushes me off a few times but eventually he looks at me in that way he used to… like he couldn't _not_ love me, even if he tried. We end the night holding hands and smiling as we roll our eyes when Jake and Jasper tell us that they knew we'd work it out, _again_. I'd sleep in his bed, curled at his side, and he'd whisper that he never stopped loving me… that he'll never stop.

That's not going to happen. I feel like I could crumble into ash as that entire scenario bursts into flames.

My bait orders me a beer. I'm still staring as I hear the soft _clack_ of my drink being placed beside me.

"You with that guy?" he motions his chin to Edward. Our eyes are still fastened on one another… there's something different about the way he's looking at me. It sort of terrifies me.

Even though my gut tells me to stop this now, I force myself to break away from him. The show must go on.

I grab my beer as I turn around.

"Nope." I take a step closer and cock my head to the side. "Would it have mattered?"

He wets his lips and bends forward, his forehead barely tapping against mine.

"Nope." He lingers there, and his breath tickles me. But it doesn't feel fun and flirtatious. He's a means to an end, and I feel almost sick with what I'm willing to do to meet it.

"What's your name?" he asks.

"Bella." I drink my beer and don't ask for his in return. He watches me under his blonde lashes; he thinks I'm being coy.

"I'm James."

I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from snarling that I don't give a fuck. Reminding myself to play nice, I grab the front of his shirt and pull him closer to me as I take a seat on the stool, letting him stand between my legs.

"Hi, James."

James' mouth is moving, moving, moving, and while I grin and offer perfunctory nods, I don't hear a word he's saying. Every part of me that counts is hyper aware of Edward and every move he makes. He has barely blinked since I left him.

When James places his hands on my knees, I don't slap them away, even though his touch makes my last drink claw up my throat.

Edward's watching—his jaw locked, his eyes hard, his lips tight. But he's not moving. He's not _moved_. It doesn't usually take more than this to make Edward come to me. Things are different. He's different.

I let James slide his hands up my thighs and let him grasp my hips. I even lift my lips, smiling a little. When I glance at Edward… he's still. He watches, but he doesn't budge. My immediate reaction is to try harder; and I'm suddenly the teenage girl I never was: giggles and batting lashes, winks and whispers. I'm working, really working it.

But Edward gives me nothing.

My heart thumps harder with each advance that James makes. He's getting bolder the higher I let him climb, the further I let him reach. With each stroke of his fingers I want to disappear. With every blow of his breath I want to shrivel into nothing. My head is filled with words that beg for Edward to come get me, silent pleas for rescue from my own trap. It feels like the kind of prayer that you know in your gut won't get answered, but you wish with all your might anyway.

I feel repulsed when James' fingers dig into the bare skin beneath the hem of my top. I want to shove him away. But I order another shot of tequila instead, because if a game of Chicken is what Edward wants, I'll give it to him. I won't be the one to yield.

The lukewarm liquid drops down my throat effortlessly. It coats me in a dreamy thickness, replacing the pesky consciousness that makes me think, that makes me feel.

James' breath is hot at my ear; he wants to get out of here. He pulls at my hips, sliding me closer to him, and I can feel how much he wants me.

"I live a few blocks away," he says. Just a short few minutes ago that suggestion would have made me puke. But the tequila numbs me, and I can bear to go another round. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I bring him closer to me and nip at his ear. I know I'm pushing it, but I'm desperate.

James brushes his lips over my cheek, testing the waters, before moving toward my mouth. As he gets closer, my eyes search for Edward. At first, I think it's the tequila that hides him from me. But my heart is in my throat when I realize that he's actually gone.

I'm suddenly wild in search of him. My arms drop immediately, and I work to get out of James' hold. He's startled as I shove him away and slide off the stool.

"I gotta go," I say as I start to move toward the table Edward was at.

My wrist burns as James grabs it, yanking me back to him.

"What the fuck?" His shoulders heave in confusion and anger.

"Let go," I say, pulling my wrist back.

He squeezes tighter, and I wince at the pain.

"Are you seriously about to bail, you fucking cock-tease?" He's seething, and his anger is flaming at his neck and face. He looks like he could explode, just completely combust, right here, right now.

My stomach is tight with panic. I try to pull my arm back but he yanks harder, whipping me back to him.

"Yeah, she's bailing. Is that a problem?"

Jake's voice is like a blanket of relief, wrapping tightly around me.

"Who the fuck are you?" James spits.

Jake steps between us, pushing me behind him. He stands a good foot taller than James.

"You really want to find out?" Jake's fists clench at his sides. His knuckles are ghost white, and the veins on his arms plump as his blood-flow quickens.

James doesn't back down. He straightens up, stands taller and cracks his knuckles like he's ready to swing.

"Go ahead. I wish you would," Jake provokes.

They stare each other down until James blinks, his eyes falling on me. He looks at me and sees me for what I am: not worth it.

"Whatever." James backs away, glaring at me before he disappears into the crowd.

When he's out of sight, Jake turns to me.

"Thanks—" I start. He grabs me by my arm and nearly drags me back to our table, throwing me into a chair when we get there.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he snaps.

I hold my head in my hands; the room is beginning to spin. I feel lost for a moment, before remembering…

"Where's Edward?" I ask.

Jake stares at me in this really pitiful way, before sighing and sinking into the chair beside me.

"Edward is with his _girlfriend_."

I start to get up. "I need to talk to him."

"No." Jake pushes me back down by my shoulders. "What you need to do is sober up. You're acting like a fool."

"I need Edward."

"No. He's the last thing you need."

I glare up at him. "Then I need another drink."

Jake shuts his eyes and rubs at them with his thumb and index finger as he thinks.

"If I go get him for you, will you quit for the night?"

"Yes," I answer quickly. I omit that if shit goes sour, I plan to renege.

He hesitates, but eventually he gets up.

I can hardly sit still as I scan the crowds of people, but I know that I don't need to see him to know he's coming.

I can _feel _him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Beta'd by BelleDean, AmeryMarie, and Sunflower3759. Edwardsmerp preread.  
><strong>

**Thank you to those recommending and reading. A special thanks to Lemon Charlotte for your review on Indie Fic Pimp!  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Hold Me Down (PAST)<br>**

By: _peri_

**Chapter Six**

Before the start of junior year, we spent most of our final days of summer at the beach. We filled water bottles with vodka, smoked cigarettes and pot out under the cliffs, and just did stupid shit because we were young and we could.

Sometimes we'd go with nothing; no drinks, no drugs… just us.

_Those were good times..._

Jake and Jasper tossed a football back and forth while Edward and I sat right at the line between wet and dry sand. The water from the ocean flirted with us, swimming up and licking our toes, then backing off before starting its tease all over again.

I dug my feet into the cold, damp sand and kicked the sludge to the side, right onto Edward's hairy boy feet. He chuckled as I built a mountain on them. A tiny crab clawed its way out of the hole at my feet and Edward caught it by its hind leg. Holding it up, he looked at me like the little boy he hadn't been for years, as he pretended to toss it at me. I playfully rolled my eyes at him and as he dangled the crab in my face, opening my mouth and chomping at it as if I would eat it raw and whole. He laughed loudly, letting the crab go.

He turned to me—the midday sun making his hair glow super orange at the tips—and just _looked_ at me in this really sweet, satisfied way, that made me feel like he had reached out and squeezed my heart. He really loved those moments, when it was just the two of us, and anyone who didn't know better, would think that we were this young, adorable couple in love.

There were so many moments like this—perfectly sweet moments that made my belly flip-flop—and I could see, for just a split second, the happily ever after we could possibly have, if everything could have stayed just that way.

But true to form, I would always find some way to fuck it up.

He pulled off his shirt and bunched it together, putting it behind his head as he laid back. I pulled my sunglasses from the top of my head onto my nose and let my eyes travel along his upper body. I smirked at the hickey I had left just below his collarbone the other night, and my hand automatically began to rub at the side of my neck. He had nipped at it while we watched Reservoir Dogs for the third time.

At that moment, a group of girls in their teeny-tiny bikini's walked by. They were seniors from the other side of town. They each turned, giggling and lifting their sunglasses, as they threw extra glances over their shoulders.

"Good grief," I mumbled.

Edward stretched his arms behind him and looked up at the bright blue sky.

"What?" he asked.

I placed my sunglasses back on my head and flicked at his ribs.

"Don't pretend like you don't notice."

He smiled as he squinted against the rays of the red-hot sun. His fingers scratched lightly where I had scolded him.

"There's a difference between not noticing and not giving a shit."

"_Okay_." I slung a nasty piece of half-dried seaweed at him, which he deflected easily.

"They're not my type." He shrugged.

"Oh, shut your face. Anything with tits and an ass is your type; you're a teenage boy."

He laughed quietly and covered his eyes with his arm to block the sun. Peeking through the side, he swept his eyes over my body, like he was reminding me that I had those things, too. His lids drooped slightly, and his tongue licked at his lips. When he looked at me like that, I wanted to climb on top of him and just give him everything he wanted.

I should have done that. Instead, it ended up as just another item on the long list of things that I should have done.

"You know you could have any one of them, right?" I said, tilting my head at the girls as they untied their bikini tops and laid out to tan, still glancing his way every so often. "Like, you could lose that V-card, right here, right now. Probably with all three. At once."

"_Jesus_," he cussed as he shook his head at me. "I'm good. Thanks."

"Are you seriously telling me that if one of those chicks came up to you and said that they were down to bone, you wouldn't jump at the opportunity?"

"Are you high?" he asked, lifting himself onto his elbows.

I might as well have been. Something was just pestering me to keep on, to get a reaction from him, and I didn't even know what reaction I was looking for.

"I dare you," I said, obeying the urge, the nagging that kept pushing me to push him.

"_What_?"

"I dare you to make that chick's day and just fuck her brains out. The one with the fugly orchid tattoo on her back."

He rolled his eyes, kind of huffing as he lay back down.

His dampened mood and the crease between his brows left me oddly satisfied, putting the nagging to rest.

"Joking," I said, staring down at him.

"Are you?"

"Sure." I shrugged.

We spent the evening at Edward's place. Jake and Jasper were sleeping over, and I was allowed to stay until one, when Charlie would scoop me up on his way home from work.

We lounged in the backyard, lying out on his deck with blankets spread out and food sprawled between all of us. We laid in a line: Jake, Jasper, me, and then Edward. We just stared out into the navy blue sky, the sound of Esme, Edward's mom, working in the kitchen, filling the silence. Her soft humming and the sweet smell of freshly baked cupcakes made me sad.

I lifted my chin, pointing it to the sky as I watched her through the window. She was perfect, even upside down. Her hair was pulled back, and light tendrils fell loosely down the sides of her porcelain face. She held a cupcake up at eye-level and covered the top with a generous dollop of fluffy pink icing. Once she had it perfectly sculpted, she looked up and her cherry red lips grinned as she knocked at the window.

Jasper and Jake jumped up, kicking the blankets with their heels as they ran into the kitchen. Edward followed behind them.

I watched as they opened their big mouths and sunk their teeth into the treats. Jake wrapped his arm around Esme's shoulders while Jasper placed a quick peck on her cheek. She smiled widely as she made her way to Edward, who held a cupcake in each hand. She said something that made him duck his head and peek out the window. She pressed a red kiss on his cheek, then waved Jake and Jasper to follow her into the other room.

I could hear the door open and shut, and the light patter of Edward's feet.

"Hey," he said, holding a cupcake out. "For you."

It looked so tempting, all pink and perfect.

But I shook my head. "I don't like that sweet shit."

He stared down at them before nodding and placing both beside him.

"Well, it's yours if you want it," he said, lying down and smiling a big, toothy smile at me.

He was seven again, with his mom's kiss staining his cheek. I reached out my finger and wiped at it. He brushed the rest off with his sleeve, chuckling as he did and I smiled with him.

I felt his pinky graze the side of my hand before sliding his fingers through mine. I pulled my arm away, running my hand through my hair and then keeping it safely above my head.

Our junior year of high school was a hell of a year. It changed everything.

The boys were playing varsity soccer by then and, if they weren't at the top of the social ladder before, they most certainly were then, which was great for them. But it just gave the chicks at school one more reason to hate me. Of course, by that time, I wasn't so much of an ugly duckling any longer.

It was one of those revelations that came out of nowhere.

It was near the beginning of soccer season and practices were being held everyday. On that particular day, I was running late after being held in detention for flipping Jessica Stanley off for being…her.

"What the hell happened?" I asked, catching up to my boys as they were being escorted to the principal's office. All three of them were covered in mud with droplets of blood staining their jerseys. Their soccer cleats skidded and clattered against the linoleum floors as they were hauled through the hall by campus security. A small crowd followed behind them and another began to form around me.

"Jake!" He was the nearest to me, and the most roughed up.

Bleeding from his nose, he winked and shrugged his shoulders before they were all pushed into the office and out of sight.

The halls filled instantly with murmurs of what I would later find out were not exaggerated recounts of what happened.

The hush as we walked home together was unusual, especially Jake's silence. Normally, he had too much to say about everything, but they all just walked quietly, eyes fixed on the sidewalk, arms shoved into their pockets.

"Is anyone going to explain what the hell you guys got suspended over?" I asked.

They exchanged grimaces but kept silent.

I stepped in front of them and held my arms out to keep them from pushing past me. I glared up into their faces, waiting for one of them to break.

Finally, Jasper did.

"It was just a fight, Bells. You know us," he said, staring down at his feet.

"And what, exactly, was this fight about?" I demanded.

Again, none of them would speak up. I narrowed my eyes and folded my arms, trying to keep myself from losing my cool.

Jake finally spoke.

"The fight was about you."

Straightening up, I dropped my arms in surprise.

"Me? You guys know I don't care that the other guys make fun of me for being all tomboyish and shit; it's not worth it. You would be fighting all day, everyday to keep that from happening."

"It wasn't that…they weren't making fun of you," Jasper mumbled as he lifted his arm to awkwardly scratch at his head.

"What?" I asked.

Jake groaned, wiping his face with his palm. "They weren't making fun of you, Bella. They were saying… They were talking about what they want to _do_ to you. And, they were asking us if we ever did anything with you and…it was…"

"This is weird," Jasper interrupted. "Um, Bells, the other guys…they aren't making fun of you anymore. They're like…_into_ you."

It took me a minute to process what they were saying. I had never been the blushing type, especially in front of my boys, but that day, my cheeks burned like they were on fire.

I glanced at Edward, who, had remained silent the entire time we walked. He kept his eyes down, focused on his feet.

"I mean, you may not have noticed, Bells, but you're like…not, uh...not little anymore," Jasper continued.

"Yeah, I mean, you're still the head of the Itty-Bitty-Titty Committee, but you're like…definitely not boyish…anymore," Jake added, shifting uncomfortably.

"Oh."

"You're like…pretty," Jasper finished.

"Oh."

After several beats of awkward silence, we continued walking…still awkwardly silent.

I tapped on Edward's bedroom window that night, watching him as he threw his towel around his neck and jogged to let me in. His basketball shorts rode low on his hips and tiny beads of water glistened on his shoulders. His room smelled like soap and shampoo, and his hair was damp and messy.

He held his hands out to help me in. I didn't know why he always offered; he knew I wouldn't accept his help.

"You were pretty quiet this afternoon," I said as I sat on the edge of his bed.

He shrugged, leaning against his desk and running the end of his towel through his hair.

"You guys didn't have to fight, you know…" I said as I bit on my nails. I was starting to get anxious. Something had been bothering me since that afternoon.

He shrugged again, and I wanted to roll my eyes at his silence.

"Um, did you…when those guys asked if you guys did—_whatever_—with me…did you…" I stuttered, trying to find my words.

The death-stare Edward shot me, instantly made me feel like an asshole for even thinking that he would tell anyone. He sighed as he hung the towel over the back of his chair, his arms folded over his chest and the muscles on his arms flexed tightly.

"Well, I guess I'm pretty now." I laughed. It was a joke.

His soft green eyes watched me as he lifted off his desk and took long strides toward me. Stopping only when he got so close that I had to spread my legs so he didn't knock into them, he reached out his hands and cupped my neck, his thumbs pressing gently into my cheeks.

"Hey…" his forehead pressed against mine "…you have always been pretty." He tilted his chin, his lips barely brushing against mine, and whispered, "You're the prettiest girl I know." As he lingered there, giving me the tiniest kiss in the world, I could feel the humming that I would know so well as an adult, sing through me.

When he backed away, his warmth and smell and sweetness leaving with him, I wanted to reach out and keep him near me, but I just watched as he walked back to his desk and fell into his chair. He exhaled a heavy breath, his hands rubbing his face and his head shaking.

"What?" I asked.

His hands dropped, but he continued to shake his head as he looked up at the ceiling.

"What are we doing?" He stretched his arms up, grasping the back of his chair, his fingers squeezing the black leather tightly, making his knuckles white-pink. "You and me—what are we doing?"

His eyes, heavy with not knowing, reached out to me, begging for an answer.

I shook my head; I didn't have answers for him.

He sank further into the chair and squeezed his tired green eyes shut.

"I need…something, Bells. Something that lets me know that I'm not making you and me up, that it's not all in my head. I mean…_what are we doing_?"

It was a fair question. He was always fair. It was me who didn't know how to play by the rules. He needed answers, and I only knew of one way to avoid giving them to him.

I got up and grabbed the hem of my top, pulling it up over my head and dropping it on the floor as I made my way to him. Unbuttoning my jeans and sliding them down my hips and legs quickly, I stopped only a few tiny steps from him. He sat still, but his breathing had picked up as he stared at me.

I could see questions making their way past the shock of a near naked girl. Before they could fill the air, I climbed onto the chair, straddling his lap, and kissed the questions back. And, as he met every push and pull of my lips, they were forgotten.

Maybe I should have stopped there, put my clothes back on and said goodnight. Maybe I should have listened to the tiny knot in my gut that told me that if we kept going, things were never going to be the same. But my lips kept kissing and my fingers continued to thread into his hair as my body rubbed against his without a second thought, and I knew...there was no turning back.

He started to lift us, wanting to lay me down on his bed, do this thing properly. I didn't want proper. I dropped my weight onto him and pulled on the band of his shorts, tugging at them, wanting them off. He lifted his hips and I stood on my knees as he slid them down.

My eyes fluttered closed as he ran his fingers up the length of my back so feathery light that they sent shivers down my spine. His hand wrapped around the nape of my neck and he pulled me to him, kissing me like he too knew, that things would never be the same.

He let out a long breath of air when I lowered myself onto him, his fingers digging into my hips as I slowly slid down while my own fingers dug into the plush leather. I ignored the mild pain that I met with every inch that filled me. Once the shock of feeling him completely inside of me subsided, my body began to rise and fall in a natural rhythm. Edward flowed with me perfectly, as if we were old pros.

As I watched him, more handsome than ever—flush-faced, dizzy-eyed, and wet-lipped—I quickened our pace, moving faster and faster, and breaking the perfect beat we had set. I could see him losing his concentration, his lips turning dry from the heavy breaths he was releasing. His hands grasped my hips tightly—maybe to slow me down, maybe to make me move faster—but before he could reveal which, he pressed his face into my neck and his breath left him in tight staccato bursts. His arms wrapped around me so firmly, it was as if he just wanted to take me with him to wherever he was going. And I wanted to go, too.

I just didn't know how to get there.

I kind of freaked out after that. And by kind of, I mean I absolutely, one hundred percent, freaked the fuck out.

That next evening was a Friday. We were headed to the big party being thrown by Royce King.

Royce played sweeper, and was exactly how you would imagine a popular jock to look: tall, dark, and fucking handsome.

We arrived in style. Jasper had gotten a new mustang the week prior and we rode—top down, music blaring—all the way to the party.

Edward and I sat in the back seat. His arm wrapped tightly around my shoulders, he held me close to him, smiling down at me, and even though we were as free as free could be with the roof rolled back and the wind in our hair, I had never felt more trapped.

By the time we got to the party, I just needed to put a little distance between us.

"What's wrong?" he asked as I dodged his arm, which was trying to snake around my waist.

"Nothing." I folded my arms and looked around me, searching for an out. I spotted the keg with Alice and Rosalie standing by it.

"I'm gonna grab a drink."

I wasn't sure what to expect as I made my way over since Jasper and Alice had broken up for the second time. They were on good terms, though.

"Hey, guys." I offered a small wave.

"Hey, Bella." Alice smiled and grabbed an empty plastic cup. "Drink?" she asked. That was strange. Different. She was filling it up before I even answered.

"Thanks."

She winked at me as she held the cup out. I didn't wait for the foamy head to die down before I threw it back. I let out a burp that, had I been around my boys, would have received loud applause, but failed to impress my current company.

"Gross," Rosalie spat.

"Sorry. Habit." I shrugged. "Uh, so, how have you guys been?"

"Oh, my God," Rosalie interrupted in a squeal. "Edward get's hotter every year—no, every month."

I followed Rosalie's eyes, and was met with Edward's, staring me down. I quickly turned back around.

"Sorry," Rosalie mumbled. "Is that weird for you? I know you guys are like, weirdly close or something."

"Oh, no. Um, we're friends." I played it off. "Just friends."

Alice and Rosalie exchanged expressions that read somewhere between skeptical and amused.

"So, you're not hooking up with Edward, Jasper, or Jake?" Alice asked.

"No, no…definitely not."

I didn't know why I was lying; they were just spilling out of me, coming so easily.

"Oh…well, in that case, guess who has been totally talking about wanting to get with you?" Alice asked, her pitch rising with her swelling excitement.

"Uh…" I shrugged, hoping she wouldn't make me play the guessing game.

"Royce. King." She said his name like I should do a little song and dance in excitement.

"Really…" I tucked my hair behind my ear and tried to seem suitably impressed "Wow, that's. . .cool?"

"Uh, it's more than cool. It's ideal. I mean, aside from hooking up with Edward—which almost seems impossible. He's not gay, right? Because, I don't get that vibe, but he doesn't seem to be interested in anyone…" Rosalie rambled on.

I tried to follow her tangent, but was totally distracted by the heavy stare of one Royce King.

I don't remember much else after that. I remember Royce smoking me out and then shot-gunning a couple beers together. I remember pulling out of Edward's grasp as he tried to get me to stop drinking and stay near him. And I definitely remember Edward walking in on Royce fucking me against the wall of his parent's bedroom. I also remember not stopping, even as our eyes met. I kept going.

I kept going right until the door slammed shut, and then I pushed Royce away, playing it off like I was just too fucked up to continue. And it might have been true, considering I suddenly felt the overwhelming need to puke.

Locking myself in Royce's parents' bathroom, I covered my face with my hands and slid down the wall to the cold, tiled floor. I didn't know what else to do but hide. It was the worst thing I could have ever done, to the best person I would ever know.


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks to BelleDean, Amerymarie, Sunflower3759, and Edwardsmerp! And everyone who didn't bounce after that last chapter. It sucked, I know.**

* * *

><p><strong>Please note: Half this thing isn't beta'd because I added an entire scene after the fact and didn't send to my team of awesomeness because I didn't want to bother them, lol. So all mistakes are on me.<br>**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Seven (PRESENT)<br>**

My knee won't stop bouncing as Edward takes the seat in front of me. I sit on my hands to keep from reaching out to him and bite my lips to stop myself from saying things I will regret. The tequila still wants to play hardball. It's hard to keep it under control, especially with the way he's staring at me, like I'm the last person he wants to be with. It's a far cry from how he used to look at me, like loving me was all he knew how to do. I can take the pain, though. I have to.

He lifts his brows, asking me to get on with it.

"Listen…that stupid shit I pulled back there…" I start.

His head moves slowly, side-to-side, and his shoulders shake as he chuckles softly.

"What?" I ask.

He rolls his head back and sighs before answering.

"I don't want to hear it." He shrugs and stares hard at me. "I thought…I _hoped_ we could do the friend thing, but…"

I'm terrified of him finishing that sentence and I move on instinct, taking the empty chair beside him.

"Can we start over? I mean, tonight, can we start tonight over?" It's a pathetic plea and it comes out that way. My hands reach for his and they flinch when I hold them. "I'll be good. Promise." I nod my chin, encouraging him to believe in me.

He stares at our hands, squeezing tightly before gently pulling out of my grasp. My heart drops to my stomach when I see what little faith he has in me.

"Please?"

He turns toward me, hunching over. His elbows rest on top of his knees as he exhales quietly.

"No. We can't start tonight over." His face softens, but he means it. "We can't start anything over. I'm exhausted, Bella. I can't…I can't do you and me anymore."

The urge to stomp my foot and throw a fit teeters dangerously at the tips of my toes and edge of my temper. I scoot my chair closer to him and my legs weave between his. I lean closer into him, just as he sits back farther in his chair, and the tip of my nose barely misses bumping against his.

"Don't say that."

"What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know! Just stop talking like this is the end!" I feel the tequila rattling in me, wanting out.

My head drops onto his shoulder and my arms wrap around him. I just want him back. He feels slippery in my arms, and I hold on tighter because I just can't seem to get a good grasp around him. I feel him sigh, and I almost expect him to push me away.

But I feel his warm cheek fall against the top of my head and his large hand presses against the back of my neck.

"Bella…I—"

Her cough is quiet, but we both hear it. When I look up at her, she's staring at me like she can finally see passed those rose-colored glasses she's had on. There's nothing adorable about the way she looks at me.

"Hey…" he says, standing up. He offers her his chair.

I want to kick it to the side as she sits.

"What's going on?" she asks, claiming Edward's hand as he takes the seat beside her.

"Nothing," I say coolly because it's none of her goddamn business…even if it is.

"Bella's not feeling well," he says, glaring at me for being a bitch.

"I see." She doesn't buy it.

"Yeah, I'm not feeling well. Too much Cuervo," I mumble.

For the first time all night, Kate frowns at Edward, but she's lost the initial fire she had as his thumb rubs round and round on the top of her hand.

When he sees me staring, he stops briefly, and his eyes catch mine; they're sad but strong as he continues rubbing circles and slings his other arm around her shoulders.

In what feels like no time, she's back to 60-watt smiles and musical giggles. This is what he means by simple. She can let shit go, make things easy. He's whispering in her ear and she squeals that his breath tickles. He laughs and grabs her chin, giving it a tiny tug so their noses kiss.

I'm biting the inside of my cheek so hard that the taste of copper fills my mouth. It's unlike him to be cruel; I didn't think he had it in him.

I guess he learned from the best.

I clap my hands together and let the tequila out to play. As long as I'm losing, I might as well do it thoroughly.

"So, Kate! Edward hasn't told you about his younger years, right? What do you wanna know? Ask me anything."

Kate is wide-eyed with excitement and practically drooling with curiosity. I can see her mentally flipping through a million questions.

I ignore Edward as he chortles half-heartedly. He was right not to believe in me, and he knows it.

"Was he always so smart?" She laughs, like she knows it's a silly first question, and it is, but I'm not amused.

"With some things. Other things…not so much," I answer honestly. He and I lock eyes, and I know the same thought is running through our minds: love makes people stupid.

"Well…what was he like back in high school?" She blushes a little, glancing coyly at Edward. "Did he have a lot of girlfriends?"

I smile like the fucking Cheshire cat because she just handed me a golden opportunity.

"Did Edward Cullen have a lot of girlfriends?" I tap at my chin with my forefinger like I have to think long and hard about it. "No, not a lot. Just one."

Kate's face scrunches in disbelief. "Just one?"

"Just. _One_." I nod. "See, our boy, Edward, he fell long and hard for this girl. Silly kid thought it would last forever..." There's a lump in my throat that I didn't expect. I take a minute to swallow it down. "Cute, right?"

I bite down on my teeth to keep from falling apart. I'm suddenly irreparably sad, because I'm not sure if that silly kid was him…or me.

"I just can't believe you only had one girlfriend." She looks at him like she's trying to figure out if he wasn't always beautiful and desirable.

"Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of girls. He got around. But there was only one that he wanted for keeps. Stop me if I'm wrong, Edward."

He's expressionless as he responds. "She's right, only one girlfriend." He draws Kate closer to him. "Till now." He grins sheepishly at her, and she blushes so hard I'm worried the pink will stain the apples of her cheeks permanently.

"So sweet…" she gushes. She's like a little kitten, purring and rubbing her head on his shoulder. I fucking hate cats.

"That _is_ so sweet," I mock. "Aren't you two just the sweetest damned thing?" It comes out ice cold and completely disingenuous there's no room for misinterpretation.

But my sarcasm is lost on Kate. She's too fucking high on him to notice. I want to slap the giant grin off her face.

I really shouldn't blame her for the way my heart feels like it's falling to pieces when she presses her lips into his neck, or the way she makes him smile when she whispers into his ear, but I do. I blame her for everything.

"You know what else is sweet?" I say, leaning in to Kate like I've got a fun secret to tell her. "The way he can't help but make love when all you really want is a good hard fuck."

As soon as the words are out, I want to snatch them out of the air, take them back. I can feel the apology stuck in my throat, right below the lump. I want to get it out, replace the words that are still lingering between us.

Kate blinks back and forth between Edward and me. I can see the bulb flickering to life as she connects the dots. I want to knock her lights out and offer her a high-five at the same time because, _Jesus_, it took long enough.

Edward unwraps his arm from her shoulders and rubs tiredly at his eyes as he shakes his bowed head.

"I…think I need some water." Kate stands and she walks stiffly, shell-shocked, to the bar.

My legs feel weak as I take her seat. When Edward looks up, I brace myself for his anger. I expect him to be furious.

But he's calm. Collected.

"This shit is why I'm done." He sighs. "It's always about you, isn't it? You do whatever it takes to make _you_ feel better. Fuck everyone else."

He stands, and before I get a chance to deny what is obviously true, he's gone.

Without getting the opportunity to try and convince him he's wrong about me, I can't convince myself.

I watch him as he makes his way to Kate. His hand squeezes her shoulder and she turns to him. Her lips move and he shakes his head, denying her words, whatever they are. He pulls her to him, holding her close. Her eyes flutter shut as he bends down to press a kiss on her forehead.

He glances at me, knowing I'm watching. My eyes well up, because I can feel what's coming and there's no stopping it. It's the most innocent of gestures, but I know it will undo me.

When he kisses her, I let the tears free fall.

I can't decide if he does it because he knows it will hurt me the most, or if he simply can't help but to kiss her. Either way, I feel a part of me die.

Jasper lets out a long whistle as he takes the seat in front of me.

"Damn… looks like it's pretty serious," he says as he looks over his shoulder at Edward and Kate.

I look down at my lap and wipe at my eyes.

"Oh jeez, Bells." Jasper reaches out his hand and catches the tears hanging off my chin. "What did you expect?"

The tears won't stop rolling and I can't stop myself from shaking.

"Ah fuck…" Jasper moves and sits beside me. He wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me to him. I cling to his chest and fist his shirt, trying to force the tears to stop.

"Bells… you just, you got to let go. For real this time," he whispers against my hair. "I think he's happy, and don't you think he deserves that? She's a good girl and—"

"What the fuck ever," I interrupt. I'm slurring and stupid drunk. The tears stop as I dig my nails into my palms. My knuckles turn white.

Jake takes a seat at the table. He's still angry with me.

Jasper thinks water will makes things better. He gets up to get me some.

"Bella?" Jake calls. When I look at him, he takes a large breath. "Look, you know I love you, but when is this shit gonna stop? I mean it's finally taken its toll on Edward. When is enough, gonna be enough for you?"

I don't want to hear it.

"Fuck you, Jake," I mumble as I try to stand to leave. I nearly stumble trying to take a step, and I feel Jake's hands around my arms.

"Just wait… don't go driving anywhere," he says as he helps me take my seat again.

"No, I want to go home."

"You're not driving home like this."

I roll my eyes and slap at his hands.

"You're not going home yet." His grip tightens.

"I gotta piss!" I snap at him. "_Jesus_."

"I'm driving you when you get back."

"No, I'm good. I just need to piss," I slur and find my footing.

"No, you're not." Jake shakes his head as I step away from him.

I don't need to go to the bathroom. I just need to be alone for a minute. When I get to the hall, I stop and lean my back against the wall, resting my hands on my thighs as I try to compose myself.

_Deep breaths, Bella. _

_Can't you stop? Just stop. Stop it. Stop._

_No. _

I can't stop, even though I want to. Stopping means accepting that he and I are over.

I feel him before I see him and my head snaps up. He walks with his eyes on me, stopping directly in front of me.

"You're not driving, Bells," he says.

I don't respond. My body is almost numb with the intense humming he makes me feel.

"Did you hear me? You're not fucking driving." He sounds annoyed. "Bella—"

"I heard you," I say as I stand tall.

"Let Jake drive you. Or Jasper."

"Will you drive me?"

He shakes his head.

"You drive me," I repeat.

"I'm not driving you, Bella. I have to take Kate—"

"Is she a good kisser?" I interrupt, my tone petulant and stupid. Here we go again.

He runs a hand through his hair, frustrated.

I hook my fingers in his pant pockets and pull him near.

"I want you to drive me home," I whisper.

He takes a forced step forward and lets his hands rest on the wall on either side of my head as he leans in to me. My heartbeat accelerates, and I let out a shaky breath.

"I still love you…" I say breathlessly.

His eyes shut tightly, like he's convincing himself that I don't love him and that he doesn't love me.

"Take me home…_please_"

I think I've got him as he leans his face in close to me. We stare at each other for a minute, maybe several.

"Give me your key," he says in a low voice.

I pull back slightly and examine him.

"You know where it is," I say as I unhook my fingers and press my hands, palms down, against the wall behind me.

Edward hesitates for a moment. Then slowly, he places his right hand on my neck, right over the pulsating point. It's thumping rapidly and I know he can feel it. He slides his hand down the front of my chest and lingers ever so briefly over my heart before he slides two fingers between my modest cleavage. He pulls out my key.

He closes his fist around it and pushes off the wall and away from me.

"I'm giving this to Jake. Get it from him if you're going to be stupid," he states flatly before turning to leave.

I will myself to say something, to reach out and grab him. But I'm silent and motionless.

I'm not sure how long I stand there. By the time I return, Edward and Kate are gone.

"I got an early shift tomorrow, Bells," Jake says. He's ready to leave.

I nod. I have no fight in me left. Not tonight.

Jakes wraps an arm around my waist as he helps me to my car. We drive in silence. Jasper follows behind us.

"I lost," I hear myself say. And I don't mean the game.

Jake turns to me and shakes his head. I see his hands tighten around the steering wheel.

"I know you don't see it, but this is probably a good thing. Maybe now you can move on, date again. Let it go, Bella…because I don't know how much more any of us can take."

I don't respond, but I hear him, and I know he's right. There isn't much more we can take.


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks to: Sunflower3759 and BelleDean for their beta/prereading skillz. AmeryMarie is still awesome.**

**Positively Fourth Street writes A May to December Romance and she pimped HMD in her last update and I can't thank her enough ;)  
><strong>

**Kim Swanson and Nic nominated HMD for Fic of the Week over at The Lemonade Stand (which is now over)  
><strong>

**SusanQ . VampsHaveLaws . AWhiteBlankPage: Thanks for everything. Without your support, who knows when this chapter would have posted and what kind of crap would have been in it ;)**

**Left in bits has a special place in my fic writing heart.  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Hold Me Down<strong>

By: _peri_

**Chapter Eight (PAST)  
><strong>

The party was at its peak by the time I pulled myself together. The crowd had nearly tripled and the drinks were disappearing with every blink. I felt in a daze as I weaved my way through the living room, dense with warm and wild bodies.

The muscles in my stomach ached from dry heaving. I threw up everything I could, until the only thing left was regret, anchored to the bottom by my guilt. My heart was so heavy, like it was being pulled down too. Its beat drummed loudly in my ears, drowning everything else out, and I could almost hear its pleas: _find him_, _make things right_.

As right as things between us could ever be anyway.

Jasper and Jake stood outside by the car. They were smoking cigarettes and speaking in low mumbling voices. I could tell by the way Jake stared at me, judgment burning in his eyes, that he knew. They both knew. Their anger, while quiet in the edges of their frowns and darkness of their eyes, was louder than any scream could ever be.

"Where is he?" I asked, grimacing under their hard stares.

Jasper took a long pull from his cigarette, angry worry-lines pinched between his brows as he shook his head that he either didn't know or didn't care to tell me. I couldn't blame him.

"Why the fuck do you want to know?" Jake sneered, staring at me like we were strangers. "You suddenly give a shit about him?"

"You know what, Jake? Could you just not..." I groaned.

"Fuck off."

"Hey, come on," Jasper intervened, placing a hand on his shoulder and giving it a tight squeeze. "We're still friends."

"Some fucking friend." Glaring at me like he could really hate me, Jake flicked his cigarette at my feet then moved passed me, bumping into my shoulder as he walked away.

Raking a hand through his dirty blond hair, Jasper leaned against the front of his car. A heavy sigh, wrapped in a wisp of smoke, blew from his lips.

"How could you do that to him?" he asked, hopeful that there was some great rhyme or reason behind what I had done. "Any old asshole, sure, but _Edward_?"

I shrugged because I didn't have an answer for him. Watching the disappointment as it etched across his face made me feel sick.

"Not good enough." He stood as he threw his cigarette to the ground. "But I'm not the one who needs better from you."

Opening the car door, he gestured me in with a nod of his head. We drove back with the top rolled up and the radio off.

As Jasper pulled into my driveway, my heart leaped into my throat when his headlights shined on Edward.

He was just sitting there on the steps of the deck, a bottle of Glenlivet between his feet and his face hidden inside the cave of his hood.

I took a deep breath and swallowed my heart down as I unfastened my seatbelt, keeping my eyes locked on him.

"Bella?" Jasper called. He looked at me like he was almost begging. "If you can't give him better..."

"I know," I said, cutting him off. "Thanks for the ride."

Stepping out of the car, I waited for the sound of Jasper's engine to disappear completely before making my way to Edward.

He was quiet and motionless, his gaze fixed on the brickwork as I sat beside him. I started and stopped my apology a million times in my head. Nothing I said would be enough. I couldn't bring the words to life without feeling like I wanted to die; so every attempt was followed by defeat. And silence. Silence so punishing, it was painful.

He was so still that I couldn't be sure he even knew I was there.

Finally, he reached for the bottle and the gentle _pop_as he pulled out the cork offered only the briefest relief from the tortuous quiet. He swirled the amber liquid around before bringing the bottle to his lips. Hardly flinching as he swallowed, he gently placed the bottle back between his feet.

His lips glistened from the scotch and he licked the gloss away before he spoke.

"I really loved you, you know that?" His jaw clenched tightly as he turned to look at me. "I wanted to tell you everyday. _Every_ _fucking day_." He sniffed back his pain, staring up at the sky with damp eyes. "I think I loved you the first day I met you. Maybe that sounds like the stupidest shit, but I think I did. I don't remember a day since that I didn't feel it."

He shook his head, scolding himself for feeling the way he did. For loving me at all. My head shook with his for the same reasons. _Why_ did he have to love me? I wanted to be angry at him, make this _his_problem. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to shake his silly feelings out of him. But the harder I tried to place the blame on him, the more my heart broke, because I knew that the only person at fault, was me.

The only thing I could do was cry tears that I had no business crying.

He reached out and touched my tears with his fingers, not wiping them but just _feeling_them, like he was making sure that they were really there. And it was as though he just couldn't hold back how much I had hurt him, wincing as he asked, "Why did you do that?"

I owed him answers. I owed him more than the endless trail of tears that pushed-one after the other-down my cheeks.

"I don't know how to be with you. With anyone," I answered. "I don't even know if I want to be. I mean, like, ever."

He watched me quietly. Maybe he was waiting for more. But I stopped there. That's all I had for him. As always, he looked at me with eyes that tried their very best to understand.

"You don't _have_to be like her, Bella. You're choosing to be."

I shook my head and rested it on his shoulder, asking him to be kind, to not say what I couldn't bear to hear. He didn't have it right anyway. It wasn't my mother who I was afraid of becoming.

But either way, he had always been able to see a better version of me. Of _us_. A version I was almost certain didn't exist, except in his heart.

Bowing his head, he pressed his warm soft lips against my temple.

"I can forgive you," he whispered. "If you want me, I can get over it."

I had never seen him more sincere than he was that night under the dim glow of the moon. He meant it.  
>And I wanted him, too. I was scared shitless by <em>how much I wanted him<em>; even more so by how much I wanted to tell him. The words were at the edge of my tongue, just bouncing there at the tip, eager to be heard.

But as I looked on at him, the most beautiful boy in the world with a love so boundless and so patient, staring at me like I was everything, I felt myself shut down. The words slipped back down my throat and the desire to be with him was replaced by the terror of actually being with him.

"I don't love you. Not the way you love me." I was surprised by how easily I could say words I didn't really mean, whether I knew it or not.

I stared at him straight, to make those words final.

I could see the fight in him disappearing before my eyes. And when I could see that there was barely anything left, I asked of him the most selfish thing I could.

"Please don't hate me."

I didn't have the right to ask him for anything. He owed me less than nothing. But I asked anyway, because if there was one thing I knew how to do better than anything, it was take from him.

Laughing as he turned away, he wiped at his eyes with his sleeve. Turning back to me, he shook his head, broken and bitter as he whispered, "Even if I tried."

I hardly saw him for the rest of the year, and when I did, it was almost worse than not seeing him at all.

I had gotten a frantic call from Jake asking me to get to his place immediately. Things weren't the same between he and I. Jake had always been slow to forgive.

When he opened the door, he had his fingers pressed against his lips as he motioned to the couch, where Edward was passed out.

"What happened?" I asked.

He stared at me like he wanted to say something spiteful, but took a deep breath and sighed instead.

"He's... trying to make the pain stop," he answered.

Jake quietly explained that they had gone out to a party and Edward had been fine. Until he wasn't. There had been an open bar and open access to pretty much anything else. He did everything he could get his hands on. And that was when shit hit the fan. Edward wanted to see me-to kiss me or scream at me, I didn't know-but Jake had to do everything but knock him out to get him back to his place.

"I thought he wouldn't stop. Once I called you to come over, he calmed down," he finished. He stared at Edward before turning to me. He looked like he had a thousand things to say. But he simply said, "I'll be in my room."

I contemplated making a run for it. I probably should have.

Bright pink hickies were scattered all over his neck, under his jaw, down his collarbone. He smelled like herb, whiskey and a really bad mix of peppermint, cinnamon, and country apple. Variations of red were stained on the collar of his shirt. Those hickies didn't come from one set of lips. My stomach turned.

I lightly pressed my finger to the pinkest of them all, right over the pulsating point beneath the corner of his jaw, feeling it beat against my touch. It felt good.

I held my breath as he stirred. His frown grew deeper as he slowly lifted his lids. Eyes that used to glow bright green were burnt out, nearly black. He blinked, staring at the ceiling, then side to side, unable to focus on any one thing for too long. When his eyes fell on me, every inch-from my head to my toes-felt paralyzed. Every part of me except my rapidly beating heart. I hadn't seen him in so long. It felt good to be under his watch, even if he was staring at me like he didn't know me. Or like he wished he never did.

I let my breath go as he closed his lids and fell back to sleep. His chest rose and fell in a soft and steady beat, and he looked like the boy I remembered, before I broke him. I should have left him so he could sleep a while longer, be that boy again, even if only for a short time. But I couldn't move, and I found myself lying down, staring at him until everything faded to black.

I couldn't be sure how long I slept. He hadn't moved at all when I woke. I sat up and tried not to wake him as I stood. My heart jumped in both surprise and pleasure when he grabbed my hand, threading his fingers through mine and squeezing tightly.

"Don't go."

He pulled me back down beside him.

"Just stay for a little longer."

I went against every part of me that knew that I shouldn't. And the moment my head nodded 'okay', his arm wrapped around my back, bringing me into his warmth. I couldn't believe how warm he was, even after everything. I buried myself in his arms, and even as they squeezed around me tightly, I felt like I couldn't get close enough to him.

The tip of his nose brushed against the top of my head, and as I looked up at him, he pressed his forehead against mine, letting his lips rub lightly against my lips, just barely kissing me.

"I miss you..." We said it at the same time. Only he said it out loud while I whispered it in my head.

I shouldn't have been there, lying next to him like I belonged in that space; like something had changed and I could be who he wanted me to be. Nothing had changed. But I stayed there with him, letting his hands touch me and his lips send shivers through me.

Jake woke us up. His dad would be back from his trip soon. We needed to go.

We walked in silence toward our homes. When we got to the point where we needed to split, we stopped. The air was thick with unfinished business.

"Listen... about last night," I started.

But with the way Edward looked at me, a prepared hardness behind his eyes, I knew I didn't have to finish breaking his heart again.

By the time summer rolled around, Edward had all but disappeared. At least, from _my_life.

The change in our group dynamic was hard. We all dealt with it in our own ways.

Jasper took it one day at a time. He was always good at rolling with the punches. It was harder for Jake. He liked consistency. Everything had changed. And so he was angry, constantly.

Edward worked hard to keep his distance. If I came, he was ready to go. If I left, he stayed. If I'd sit, he'd stand.

It tore me up everyday.

The more he was missing from my life, the harder it was to live it.

It was the worst summer of my life. He was nowhere, but _everywhere_. The gossip ran rampant about Edward and what he was doing, where he was doing it, and _who _he was doing. Some were absurd and obviously false. Some were plausible but hard to swallow. Others... were true. Which made them the worst of all.

By the start of senior year, I couldn't keep up with the rumors and I didn't want to. The thought of him being with anyone made me crazy, even if I was too chicken shit to have him be with me.

Things got a little better by soccer season. Edward was forced to stick around during practices and I made it a point to show up to every one. Even if he wouldn't look at me the entire time.

I sat at the very top of the bleachers, watching the boys pass the ball between the three of them. The entire team was there, including Royce. That was awkward. He and I hadn't talked since the party and barely acknowledged each other at all.

"Oh my god!"

I looked down between my legs and through the spaces between the benches. Jessica Stanley and her cheerleading cronies. I could smell them before I could see them. They were always drowning in floral perfume.

"Oh my god, like oh my _god_."

I rolled my eyes at their overuse of the phrase.

"Tell us everything, like, _everything_."

Not about to waste my time listening to their incessant ramblings of the latest sex tip from Cosmo, I was ready to tune out.

"Edward Cullen is a good fucking lay."

Frozen. I was actually frozen. Stanley was talking.

"Everything about him is perfection, and I mean _everything_."

The girls broke out into giggles and shrieks. I would have rolled my eyes if I could.

"He has like, magic fingers," Jessica continued, wiggling her own fingers. "He knew exactly what he was doing."

My chest tightened. I reminded myself to exhale and inhale.

"Oh my Christ. Is he a good kisser? I bet he's a great kisser."

I didn't know who was asking, but I held my breath again, bracing for the details. I knew the answer to that question.

"I-I don't know," Jessica stammered.

"What do you mean 'you don't know'? I thought you said you guys hooked up?"

"Well, we did… but oh my god, when I leaned in to kiss him, he did the hottest thing _ever_."

I wanted to strangle her as she took her sweet time.

"He stuck two fingers into my mouth," she gushed.

"Shut up! And then what? What did he do? Where did he put them?"

I was masochistically grateful. I needed to know.

"Where do you _think_he put them?" Jessica responded with a quirk of her overly plucked brows. "Right down and into me."

My lips twitched. I felt the left side of my mouth lift.

_You are the only girl I want to kiss._

His words echoed in my mind.

He wasn't kissing these girls. He wasn't kissing them because he didn't care.

And if he didn't care, I could live with it.

I looked out to the field where Jake and Jasper were participating in a scrimmage. Edward sat by himself on the sideline, his knees up and apart, his elbows resting against them and his fingers intertwined as he stared out at nothing in particular.

I knew he could feel me coming as he hung his head low and his fingers tightened against each other as I approached.

"Hey."

He kept his head bowed, spitting between his legs before responding with a soft, "Hello."

I sat beside him. We were quiet as we watched the other guys play. He hadn't looked at me at all.

"Can…" I hesitated, "can we be friends again?"

Royce had scored a goal, and the team and spectators were roaring in applause. He waited for the cheering to die down before he answered.

"We are friends." He murmured the words so softly I could barely hear it.

"You know what I mean."

He looked at me then, his pretty eyes confused and sad. Looking back out toward the field where celebrations were continuing, he squinted against the sun.

"Okay." He nodded, spitting to his left.

I nudged him with my shoulder and when he looked at me, I smiled brightly at him. He did his best to smile back.

Royce asked me on a date the next day.

I said yes.

* * *

><p><strong>PS if you're not reading Cracks in the Pavement or Honest Liar, do yourself a favor and start!<strong>


	9. Chapter 9

**AmeryMarie beta'd and she's fantastic. SusanQ is my hero :) Thanks to Sunflower3759 for prereading!**

**Thanks to everyone who reads/recs/reviews. Your interest in this story makes me smile.**

* * *

><p><strong>Hold Me Down<strong>

**By:**_ Peri_

**Chapter Nine (PRESENT)**

My apartment is dark. I like it this way. I can't see what's missing from it. _Who's_missing. Even if I can still feel it.

It's been a while since this was his home. Since his favorite sneakers made me trip every time I would come or go. Since he would leave almost every light in the place on, occupied or not. Since he helped me make our bed. Since he slept in it with me.

I've never been more homesick. And this place has never felt more empty.

I curl up on the couch, bringing my legs up and hugging them to my chest as tightly as I can. I let my head rest on my knees—_lightly at first_—until I find myself pressing my right temple into my kneecaps so hard that I start to see flashes of white. My head is still spinning and my heart feels like it's barely beating.

I miss him so much and want him back so badly I have the urge to scream; it boils there, in my throat, burning madly as I keep it inside.

I want to break things, and it hits me that there is so little of this _thing_left to break, and I just know that we've come to the end. Or at least horrifyingly close to it. I don't know how long I sit and let that soak in, but I'm completely numb by the time I move. Taking a short shower does nothing to thaw me. I leave puddles with every step I take, my hair dripping wet, but I don't care to clean it. I don't care about anything.

The bed is so cold and lonely. I don't want to be in it. I grab my cell phone and a pillow and take it with me to the couch where I wrap myself with the throw even though I don't feel the cold; I don't feel anything. All I want is to feel something close to comfort.

My hand shakes as I stare at his name and number on my phone, my thumb hovering over the 'call' button. I want nothing more than to hear his voice. Every part of me is dying to be near him in any way possible.

I hit the button. The call goes straight to voicemail.

"Hi...um, hey..." My voice sounds stupid and scared. It's exactly what I am. "It's me, but you know that."

I just start talking and talking, I don't even know if I have a point, but I go on about the night, rambling as I tell him what I had hoped would happen. That I wanted to be happy for him. That I tried, even if it wasn't as hard as I could have. I know I'm wasting precious moments to say something meaningful. Something that might move him.

Words fail me.

I snap my jaw shut and my hand squeezes around my phone in a tight grip as I try to focus. My mind is blank. Useless. So I shut it off and let my soul do the talking.

My voice breaks as I tell him what I should have started with.

"I really do love you, Edward. Even if I can't ever seem to show it the way that it's meant to be—or _supposed to be_—shown. I love you. _I love you_. I..."

I end the call.

The phone feels like a million pounds and it slips out of my hands as I lay back. I tighten the throw around my shoulders and curl into myself.

I don't remember drifting to sleep, but when I wake, it's to the sound of angry pounding on my door.

It's him. I know it. I scramble out of the blanket and off of the couch. My body is buzzing as I make my way as quickly as possible to get to him.

He stands with his head hanging low and his arms stretched out; his weight is heavy on his hands as they grip the doorframe. He slowly lifts his head. I can see in his eyes everything that he had held back at the bar. Fury. _Passion. _Rage. _Lust_.

My heart drops as I search fruitlessly for the one thing that matters above all else: his love.

I don't see it. And I want to fucking raid him to find it.

He takes a step forward and like a magnet, I'm pulled to him. He grabs for my waist, and I lock my arms around his neck and lift myself, wrapping my legs around him.

The door slams shut behind us and he nearly slams me against the wall of the narrow hallway. The force of the blow makes me gasp; it hurts and feels good, at the same time. He doesn't flinch at my pain, instead he presses me harder into the wall, burying his face into the crook of my neck as he drops me down to my feet.

I try to find his lips, I want them so badly, but he shuts down every attempt I make.

I know what he's doing. I can feel it in every move he makes. In the rough pull of his lips against my neck, in the way his teeth dig into the curve of my collarbone. How deep and hard his fingers push into my skin. The way they burn as they drag down my waist.

He wants to prove me wrong, prove that he _is_the fucking type.

I don't want him this way, but I'll take him in any capacity that he wants me. So I meet every move he makes with everything I've got. And I've got so much for him.

I grasp at his shirt and pull it off of him. My hands slide down from his shoulders to his stomach. His breath his hot against my skin, and my arms bind around his rib cage. I press little kisses wherever I can reach. I lift to my toes and sweep my lips across his shoulder blade, along his collarbone and down his chest. I stop at his heart, and press kiss after kiss over it. I need him closer. I hold him tight, so tight I'm sure I'm hurting him. He's too far away, even with our bodies flush against each other, it's too far.

And it's not until he reaches behind himself and grips my wrists tightly, yanking them off of him and firmly pressing them into the wall, that I realize that he had stopped moving.

His shoulders heave and he presses my hands harder into the wall, like he wished he could lock them there, before pushing off and stepping away from me.

His eyes squeeze shut and his jaw tightens as his fingers rake through his hair. He tugs at the tips of it in frustration and defeat. When I take two steps towards him, he takes several back. He buries his face in his hands and he sinks against the opposite wall.

I move to him again and reach up, taking his hands in mine, pulling them down. I want to see his face, look him in the eye. And when I do, I see hints of the boy who loved me, and pieces of the man who loves me still. He's there.

I lift to my toes and my fingers lace through his hair. He lets out the faintest of sighs as our lips barely brush against each other. We do it again and again, until we need more. Until we're dying for more.

We make our way to my bed with our lips locked and our tongues tangled. We undress each other slowly and quietly. As we lay down, me beneath him, the soft, sweet kisses he leaves on my lips and trailing down my chest feel so close to forgiveness that I'm instantly on the verge of tears.

He pauses as he hovers above me, pressing himself where I need him. He falters briefly, and I'm terrified that he's going to leave me, but he kisses me once more before sliding inside.

It's been so long since we've been together this way, but he finds a rhythm effortlessly and it's hypnotizing. My hips fall into a trance and they dance back and forth. The air around us is filled with moans and whimpers. And for a moment, we don't have a past. As the pleasure surges through us, we don't have broken hearts. Our eyes squeeze shut and we hold each other tightly, just trying to hold on to this moment where there is no pain… no disappointment.

It's all we've got.

Our breathing is ragged. I lay beneath him, his face buried in my neck. We haven't said a word to each other. He lifts his head and stares down at me. I want to say something, _anything_, but he beats me to it.

"I…" He's out of breath and his voice is husky; it makes me ache for him again. "I just… I wanted…" He struggles to say what he means.

"I know," I say quickly. I _needed_ _him_, too.

He rolls off of me and the thought of not touching him makes me just short of crazy. As he lies on his back I pull myself closer to him. Finding a nook under his arm, I nuzzle into his side.

"I'm glad you came," I say, suddenly shy.

I don't look up at him, but I can tell he's looking down at me by the way his body shifts.

He's quiet, but I don't care. I'm just so glad he's with me now. I don't go so far as to hope for too much, because I know better than anyone that sex isn't a promise.

I will myself to sleep. The morning will make the truth hurt less.

My eyes crack, forced open by the pounding sun. Lifting myself onto my elbows, I peer around. I'm alone. I sit up and lean my back against the headboard.

_Where is he?_

I run a hand through my tangled hair and search for clothes. I spot Edward's shirt and, without hesitation, snatch it up and wear it. It feels so good as it covers me.

The sun is harsh so I squint as I look out toward my balcony. He's there outside, his back facing me. I see the smoke from his cigarette drift in a fog around his head, before disappearing with the wind.

Sliding the glass door open, I hope that he will turn to look at me.

He doesn't.

His hands grip the edge of the railing. I'm scared but I walk to him, because I can't help but do so. My arms reach for his back, and I feel his skin, cool against my palms. I slide my hands over his sides and link my fingers together around his stomach, resting my left cheek against his back where I can hear that heart of his beating.

He shivers.

After a moment I pull away and peek my eyes up. His head hangs down.

"I guess I am that guy," he whispers. He takes a long drag from his smoke and then drops it to the ground.

I don't know what to say. I never do. He still hasn't looked at me.

"How long this time?" he asks.

He's asking me how long before I hurt him. How long before I fuck it all up.

He shakes his head at my silence.

I want to tell him that I can be different, I mean _really_this time. I won't hurt him again. That I now realize he is it for me, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.

But I don't say anything.

I don't want to lie.


	10. Chapter 10

**AmeryMarie is my beta and does her work well :) SusanQ is all sorts of awesome. Ken is love. Sunflower3759 prereads and is lovely.  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Ten (PRESENT)<strong>

Edward brushes past me after I don't respond.

"Where are you going?" My pitch is high as fear leaps from the pit of my stomach, clear through my heart and straight out my throat.

He stops at the sliding glass doors with one of his hands grasping tightly at the handle. His jaw is tight and he frowns before turning halfway.

"To break up with Kate," he says quietly. Pausing, he rubs his hand over his jaw. "She was a good girl." He shakes his head as he sighs heavily. "She was good to me."

I follow behind him as he steps inside. He walks into my bathroom and stands at the sink with the water running. Cupping two handfuls, he splashes the water onto his face. It slithers down onto his neck and bare chest. He lets the faucet run as he looks himself in the mirror. After a moment, his head drops, and the bones on the back of his neck pop out as the muscles on his arms begin to flex. His hands grip tightly to the edges of the sink. Water drops fall from his face, and I wonder if there are tears mixed in.

I step forward, standing in the doorway.

He holds his hand out to stop me from moving any closer.

"Don't," he orders weakly.

I freeze where I am. I try to ignore the pain as his hand stays in the air, holding me back.

He cups more water and splashes again, then shuts the faucet off.

As he dries his face, I attempt to move to him again. He doesn't stop me this time.

"I'm sorry…" I say as I take tiny steps toward him. "For everything. For the way I acted last night, the last time we were together… For the last twenty years…"

He shakes his head, and I hate that I can't offer a better apology.

"I want to be better. I want to be good for you," I say as I reach out to touch him.

My hand rests lightly on his shoulder.

I phrase my words carefully; in a way I know I can live up to. Wanting is different from being, and I can't stand the thought of letting him down any more than I already have.

He backs away from me and leans his body against the edge of the sink, leaving my hand with nothing to hold on to. I pull it back.

"You're _not _good to me. You're not good _for_ me." He stares hard at my tiled floor. "But here I am. I always wind up right back here, where nothing changes except how hard I try to _keep_from winding up here." He laughs to himself, running tense fingers through his hair.

He had put on such a show back at the bar, convincing everyone that things were different this time. He almost had me fooled. But he gave in. Gave up. And a part of me knows it's worse than having him hold out. Hold on.

I've never seen him like this. He looks so defeated—_more_than defeated. He looks done. Finished.

My heart begins to pick up pace as I feel the fight in him disappearing. The quiet between us gets louder with every moment that neither of us can say anything to change what's rapidly approaching: the end.

He's suddenly rushing out of the bathroom, and I trail behind him, watching as he collects his things. My mouth hangs open, desperately seeking words, but all that comes out of me is silence.

My eyes are locked on him as he flits about. After he has gathered his things he stands with his palm resting flat on my dining table, as if to steady himself. He looks at me, and I know he's asking for his shirt.

My head starts to shake back and forth.

"Please don't leave..." I whisper. And I don't just mean here, or now. I mean ever. I mean me.

His eyes shut as he rolls his head back.

"I have to."

"You don't have to..."

"I do!"

I'm startled as his hand, balled into a tight fist, bangs once—strong and solid—on the table. An empty vase and stray glasses rattle.

He stares at me again, harder this time. But I can't give him what he wants, not yet. I've still got some fight left in me.

"Edward... _please_."

"Please what?" He's shaking his head. His hands are palms up as he asks me again, "Please _what_, Bella?"

He pauses, waiting for my reply.

I don't answer fast enough, and he doesn't have the patience to wait any longer.

"My shirt."

"I know you still love me—" I start.

The fierce anger in his eyes cuts me off; they narrow, and his face contorts as though he were in agonizing pain.

He is. Has been. I should know that by now.

My mouth snaps shut.

"_You knowI still love you_?" he repeats.

His eyes turn wild—_maniacal_—as his hand grasps at his heart, like he wants to tear it out of him; his fingers are like claws as they dig into his skin.

"If I could shut this thing _off_, I would. I would have done it so long ago."

His words crush me.

"Edward, I'm so sorry... please let me try..." I make my way to him.

He takes a small step back, but lets me wrap my arms around him and press my face into his chest. And for a moment, I'm hopeful. For a moment, I can see us making this work.

His hands gently grasp my shoulders, pushing me back.

"Give me my shirt."

My arms drop along with my hope and heart.

I could stand here and fight all night and all day. I could fight for us forever. But I would be fighting alone.

I take it off and toss it on the floor. I stand naked before him and hope that he can see that I have nothing without him.

He doesn't look at me as he grabs his shirt and pulls it on. He's out the door, and I jump at the sound of it slamming behind him.


	11. Chapter 11

**Thanks to AmeryMarie my wonderful beta and Sunflower3759 my pre reading machine!**

**SusanQ is awesome. Everyone needs to know that. Kim and Jen are equally as awesome. These three are a dream team of support. Thanks, girls.**

* * *

><p><strong><strong>Chapter Eleven (PAST)<strong>**

The next few months had passed like blinks of an eye. Just little flashes of my life that I would forget entirely if I could let go of _him_.

For a girl like me, a guy like Royce was easy to be with. Zero expectations.

Jake and Jasper were vocal about the fact that they didn't like the whole Royce thing. And it wasn't only because of Edward. Royce was arrogant and a complete dick. I liked him.

It was a Saturday night, and Royce had asked me to pre-party with him and his buddies before we headed to a house party. He took me to Riley Biers' home, where we chilled in his basement. They had a cooler of beer and harder liquor, which suited me exactly. Seth Clearwater and Riley, both also on the soccer team, sat on a loveseat with some chick wedged between them.

Royce poured me a shot of vodka and handed me a Coke to chase it with. I shook my head. I liked the bitterness, the burn.

"No shit?" Royce laughed as he set the Coke down.

"Uh, yeah, not really into chasers," I explained. "I like it pretty raw."

Royce ran his tongue over his lips briefly in one quick motion. Leaning in, he whispered, "I'm into that."

After we threw our shots back, he pulled me to an empty spot on the couch. I could feel everyone's eyes on me, watching me, making me feel naked in the worst of ways. Especially Seth Clearwater. He had a big fucking staring problem; his lazy brown eyes were locked on me. I wouldn't have given a shit if it weren't for the fact that he also had loose lips.

"So, Bella, you chill with Whitlock, Black, and Cullen _a lot_," he stated like his observation was some stroke of genius.

"Yeah, they're good buddies."

"I'll bet they are." He smirked, lifting his brows as he took a sip of his beer.

I shifted in my seat, uncomfortable under his insinuation and his goddamn stare. "They're good buddies. That's all."

"_Pfft_. With the way Cullen looks at you, you'd think you were a different kind of _buddy_," Seth continued.

I could feel my blood picking up pace in my veins, making my heart beat double-time.

"Oh yeah?" I said before taking a swig.

"People talk," Royce murmured. "I wouldn't blame him for wanting a piece."

"Um, yeah, they're important—_he's_important, but we don't do that shit together," I lied as calmly as possible. It wasn't a difficult task when I bunched the three of them together. It was two thirds true.

"Speaking of Cullen, I heard he did the entire cheerleading squad at once," Seth chimed in.

"Rumor, dude. I heard from a very reliable source that it was a threesome with Lauren Mallory and Angela Weber," Riley spoke up.

"That lucky son-of-a-gun. All the chicks want a piece of Cullen, I swear to god."

Royce rolled his eyes and nuzzled my cheek with his nose. "Not _all _the girls." He smiled and placed a wet kiss on my neck. "I'll be back." He stood and took the steps two at a time out the basement.

I hoped they'd drop the talk about Edward, but apparently, he was Seth's favorite subject.

"Heard the man doesn't kiss." Seth looked directly at me. "True?"

"I'm not really…" I began as I shook my head and tried to keep my mouth busy.

You could hear her heels before her voice; they clicked with a distinct confidence.

"It's true."

Rosalie Hale walked down the steps with her blonde hair all done up. Alice followed behind her.

"What up, ladies." Seth stood and grabbed two beers from the cooler. "So it's true?"

Rosalie nodded. "But trust me, it's not because he doesn't know how to use those lips."

She glanced coyly from side to side, her bottom lip trapped between her teeth; and it was like an emotional bomb had exploded. I looked around at everyone whooping and hollering like they had been taking bets or something. I wanted to rage at them all.

"Can we drop the locker room talk?" I snapped.

A momentary hush fell over the room, vanishing just as quickly.

"Sensitive, are we?" Rosalie snapped as she folded her arms over her chest.

I stood, coming face-to-face with her in all her high-heeled glory.

"Sensitive? No, beauty queen, I'm not sensitive. I just don't know why everyone cares so much about Edward and what he does and doesn't do. And if I were you, Rosalie, I wouldn't be so goddamn smug about opening my legs to a guy that has supposedly done the entire female population and _won't even kiss me_." I turned, staring Seth Clearwater straight in his eyes and continued, "And I don't know anything about what Edward does with the chicks he bags because I don't ask, and he sure as shit isn't announcing it."

I could feel Rosalie's ice blue eyes glaring at me, frostbite-cold.

"Don't be bitter because you can't get out of the _friend_zone," she spat.

I briefly fought against the part of me that wanted to strangle her, before letting out an unexpected burst of laughter. She was so _off_. I mean, like, completely and utterly _wrong_.

I was half expecting to duke it out with her, throw some punches. But she just rolled her eyes and flipped me off as she turned away from me. And with her, turned everyone else's attention. Thank the good fucking lord.

As I took a seat on the couch, the overwhelming need to get out of there and find my boys hit me harder than a train moving at full fucking speed. I missed them, all of them. But mostly, I missed Edward. I had almost expected him to shut down after my first date with Royce, but he had meant it when he agreed to be my friend again. He was good at keeping his end. He was just good.

My chest tightened, making it hard to breath. My heartbeat echoed in my ears, and I wondered if it was as lonely in there as it sounded.

I felt the space beside me shift, but I focused my eyes on my beer, running my middle finger around the mouth of the bottle.

"Hey, Bella."

I recognized the voice immediately. Alice Brandon.

"What's up, Alice?" I replied, still looking at my beer, still rubbing circles.

I could see her shrugging and shaking her head that she had absolutely nothing exceptional to report.

"Listen, don't worry about Rose."

"I wasn't," I lied, annoyed that I had even let that bitch get under my skin.

"Right. I mean, she's just jealous of you, you know?"

"Come again?" I asked, completely perplexed.

Alice leaned in like she had some good gossip.

"I love Rose, but… she can get _hissss…_" she imitated a cat clawing with her fingers "…when she's jealous, you know?"

"Why would she be jealous?"

Alice leaned back, like I had just offended her.

"Oh, come _on_."

I gave her my best I-don't-know-what-the-fuck-you're-talking-about stare.

"You basically won the social lottery," Alice explained. "It's almost like a fairy tale or something." She sort of giggled and drank from her beer. Misreading my shock-induced silence, she back-peddled."Sorry. It's just… you're really pretty _now _and everything, but for a while there, no one could really figure out why Jasper, Jake, _and _Edward hung out with you _all_the time."

"We've been friends since we were kids…"

"Yeah, I know. Jasper has explained forever now. He's pretty protective over you…" She paused and let a small smile pull across her lips. "Did you know the first time we broke up, it was over you?"

She chuckled as I shook my head.

"Yeah. I was being ridiculous and out of line because I thought that, well, I guess I thought what everyone else thinks." She laughed again and took another sip from her beer. "I was jealous of you, too… for a while. And… the other girls at school, it's the same deal for them. Jealousy. It rules us at this age, you know? And Rose has had it pretty bad for Edward since seventh grade. But he pretty much ignored her. It drove her bat-shit crazy. Then, suddenly, this year it's like he discovered he has a dick. She jumped at the opportunity."

I chewed on the inside of my cheek, listening carefully.

"I think she really likes him. Poor thing. From what she told me about their hook up, he made it pretty clear he wasn't looking for a relationship. She keeps, just like, hoping I guess…"

"Alice. Rosalie is your best friend, isn't she?"

"Yeah?"

"So… why are you telling me all this?"

Alice blinked at me, her sparse brows pulled together in confusion.

"Um, you and Edward… had a thing, no? Isn't that why you got so pissed?" she asked.

"Who told you that?" I stiffened, my hands wringing the neck of the bottle.

Alice cocked her head curiously.

"Sorry, I guess I misunderstood. It just seemed like you guys had a thing there for a while. It's just... the night after you hooked up with Royce, Edward was so… you know what? Just forget it, I don't know what I'm talking about…" She waved her hand in the air, guzzling the rest of her beer. "Anyway… how is Jasper?" Alice asked, all meek and nervous like.

"Jasper's good," I replied, not sure what she wanted to hear.

"Good, that's good." Her tiny lips sort of quivered as she set the empty bottle on the floor.

Royce never came back from wherever he had gone. I was totally okay with that. Alice offered to take me to the party in her car which pissed Rosalie off; so she sat shotgun silently, messing with the radio the entire ride.

The party was packed when we got there. I split with Alice and Rosalie as soon as we crossed the threshold and made my way to the makeshift bar in the kitchen to pour myself a shot of anything that would make the tightness in my chest loosen up.

"Don't drink alone, Bells. That shit's just depressing." Jasper made his way over, hands in his pockets, an easy smile that I hadn't realized I was missing like crazy.

"Well help me out, homey." I handed him my shot, which he gladly took as I poured myself another one.

"Where are Jake and Edward?" I asked as I tapped my shot with his. We threw them back, wincing at the bitter taste.

"Around," Jasper answered, slamming his glass down on the kitchen counter.

I turned to lean against the cool granite, a little annoyed at his vague response.

"How was the pre-party?" he asked.

"Eh," I responded, lifting my arms to rest my elbows on the counter. "Bullshit."

He chuckled as he smacked his lips together. "I still don't get the whole Royce thing."

"Ugh, not tonight, Jasper. It is what it is."

He lifted his hands in surrender, leaning against the counter with me.

"So, guess which two of your favorite boys are moving to Indiana next fall?"

My eyes widened and my jaw dropped. My gut dipped a little with guilt, too. So much was happening for all of us, and I hadn't been present for it.

"Get out, you and Jake? IU? Dude, congrats!" I punched his bicep, and he wrapped his arm around my neck, pulling me in for a small hug.

College acceptance letters had started trickling in. I knew Jake and Jasper had their sights set on Indiana University. I had heard from my first choice, UC Berkeley. Which meant Edward had to have heard as well.

I nervously kicked at the floor. I was sure Jasper knew my next question was coming.

"Has Edward heard from anywhere?" I asked with a light shrug, licking my lips and staring at the toes of my shoes.

He coughed once and shifted slightly as he scratched at his ear.

"Yeah, he heard from a few places. Pretty sure he's going to Brown."

I could feel my heart tank, right down into my gut.

"Brown? I thought his first choice was Berkeley?" My voice shook. I stuffed my hands inside my pockets to keep them from shaking too.

Jasper shrugged. "It was."

After a few beats of silence, he wrapped an arm around my shoulders and led me out of the kitchen. I spotted Edward immediately, and for a minute, I could breathe easy; but the tightness returned in full force once I saw that he stood surrounded by pretty girls, including Rosalie. My heart thumped extra hard, making my chest feel tighter than ever.

Jasper squeezed my shoulder. He smiled down at me as he walked us over. I released a sigh of relief as most of the girls slipped away when we got there; they knew the drill, but Rosalie stayed put. She wasn't going anywhere.

I could see Jake making his way over, and even though things were still a little off between the two of us, I nearly rammed into him with a hug anyway.

"Congratulations on IU!"

He squeezed me as I told him I'd be donning blue and gold in the fall, and he smiled in a way I hadn't seen in a long time—like his forgiveness had finally caught up with how quickly we were all moving through life. He raised his fist and lightly tapped once on my chin. We were going to be okay.

I'm not sure when or how, but Alice had magically appeared and had pulled Jasper away in conversation, and she had a friend for Jake, leaving Rosalie, Edward, and me to stand in the most awkward of silences.

I rolled my eyes as Rosalie leaned into Edward, pulling him down to her by his neck, whispering into his ear. She was so pitifully pathetic. And predictable. I had the urge to yawn, I was not impressed. So imagine my shock when she took both Edward and me off guard and wrapped her arms around his neck, forcing him into a kiss. And I'm not sure what it was about kissing. I mean, it's just fucking _kissing_, but her lips on his made me want to break her face.

It lasted about half a second, before Edward jerked away, breaking her grasp around him with a hard tug. He licked his tongue over his lips and wiped the rest of her kiss off with his thumb. He flit his eyes to me in the shortest, quickest of glances. I wouldn't have caught it if my eyes weren't fixed, unblinking on him. It took a minute, but eventually he brought his eyes back to me.

And while Jasper and Jake, along with Alice and her friend rejoined us, I just couldn't stop staring at him, and his eyes wouldn't break from mine. We just stood there, letting conversation pass right through us, our eyes locked on each other. I think we could have stood there forever if it weren't for the cool hands that slid up the skin of my stomach, and pulled me backwards.

I fell against a hard chest and hot, heavy breathing tickled my ear.

"There you are," Royce whispered. He smelled like weed and booze. His arms wrapped completely around me, bringing me flush with his body. "Excuse me, folks. I, uh, _need_Bella." His face nuzzled roughly against the crook of my neck as he placed sloppy pecks up and down the side of my throat.

I quickly glanced around, embarrassed by the PDA in front of my boys.

Jasper kept his full attention to Alice, while Jake mumbled that he needed something hard to drink as he took several steps backward toward the kitchen.

Edward... his stare held strong. He watched as Royce started picking up the pace, started pressing harder kisses against my neck and digging his fingers into my skin. He just watched...expressionless.

Royce began to pull me away and I don't even know why I let him. I don't know why I followed him, but I did. I walked away from Edward, and even when I turned back for one last glance... his eyes were on me.

Royce's grip around my hand tightened as he searched for a secluded spot. He kept stealing glances back at me with this gross smirk that made my skin crawl.

Guiding me out of the house and out to the backyard, he led me to the gazebo.

"Bounce."

It was all he needed to say for the entire space to empty.

Pulling me close, his hands grasped at every inch of me that he could find. His lips devoured mine as he forced me to step backward until I hit the column. His hands began to hunt for flesh as they traveled beneath and between and through every inch of material I had on me.

I closed my eyes, trying to focus, but they flew wide open. All I could see were Edward's eyes.

Royce pushed himself against me and I grunted from the pressure. Reaching between us, his hands began tugging at my jeans. I rolled my head against the hard column, trying to will myself to get into it. He undid the button and pulled the zipper down while he used his other hand to slide down my stomach and feel me.

"Playing hard to get tonight?" he murmured, feeling just how little he excited me. His hand worked frantically to change that. I swallowed, my throat dry along with the space where his fingers rubbed furiously.

I tried to shut off the part of me that wanted to run back into the house, back to Edward. I couldn't get those eyes of his out of my head. And I couldn't get the rage that I felt when Rosalie kissed him out of my heart. I needed to focus, but I _couldn't_focus with Royce's hands all fucking over me.

I reached for his jeans. My logic was simple: if I got him off, he would get his hands off me and his goddamn fingers out of me.

Sinking to my knees, I tugged his briefs down along with his jeans. When I looked up at him, his head was facing the sky as he braced himself. All I could see was his Adam's apple, which looked gross and protruded entirely way too far.

_Just do it. Get it the fuck over with._

Royce was loud. You'd think he had never gotten a blowjob before. With every sweep of my tongue, he gasped. With every inch I took in, his hips buckled and his moaning would grow in volume and length. By the time he finished, I was just short of puking. He reached for me and started trying to get his hands in my pants again.

I felt sick. I felt so gross and all I could think of was _what the fuck_was I doing.

I shoved him away and straightened myself out.

"What the fuck?" He nearly hissed.

"I-I don't want to see you anymore."

I stood fidgeting, still straightening myself out.

"You just gave me a bomb-ass blow job, and now you're telling me you don't want me to reciprocate or have to call you or anything?" he asked.

I nodded looking anywhere but him.

He let out a guffaw and stretched his arms out.

"No problem, _whore_."

He walked away, barely missing shoving into me as he passed.

I found a bathroom and washed my face and hands. I looked through the cabinets and found some mouthwash. I rinsed twice.

I glanced at my reflection in the mirror and quickly looked away. Grasping the edge of the sink, I tried to survive the nauseating disgust that coursed through me.

Someone started pounding on the door and yelled for me to quit hogging the bathroom.

In the living room, I spotted Jasper dancing with Alice, and I couldn't help but smile. I hoped they could make it work this time around.

I didn't think I had a destination, I just kept walking around. I didn't want to stop and settle anywhere, I just wanted to keep moving. And I thought I was just restless, but I realized what I was doing the second I saw him. I was _looking_for him.

He wasn't alone.

Rosalie sat straddling Edward's lap, her skirt riding high around her hips. They were sitting there, out in the backyard, practically fucking in plain sight.

She moaned like a porn star as she grinded her hips against him. Part of his face was hidden by shadows but I could see his jaw, tight and flexed. She lifted her arms and undid the knot holding her halter up, and slowly, she pulled the straps down exposing her perfect C cups. Her nipples were pink and alive with lust.

I could feel the bile building. I needed to leave. _Immediately_.

"Why the hell won't you kiss me?"

She was bold, that Rosalie. I stayed put—there was no way I could leave without hearing the answer.

"Hello?" she spoke again. "What? Am I not good enough?"

Edward was leaned back, his arms supporting his weight behind him.

"I told you I don't want to get involved."

"I'm not asking you for a class ring or anything. I just don't like feeling like I'm some two cent hooker."

"So don't. Don't give me any power over your feelings. I don't want it."

"Jesus Christ, Edward. Fuck you."

This conversation wasn't going to end well. Even if Rosalie threw the question to the wind, Edward was done. I quickly made my way back to the house and grabbed a nearly finished bottle of vodka and two shot glasses.

When I got back Edward sat alone, his back hunched over and his head bowed.

"Hey." I took the empty space behind him.

"Hey."

"Just you and me?" I asked holding up the bottle.

I poured him a shot and handed it to him, before pouring myself one.

He didn't wait for me as he downed it.

"Rough night?" I asked.

"Something like that," he mumbled. He grabbed the bottle and poured himself another one. "Really this time, you and me." He kind of shook his head and chuckled humorlessly as we took our shots.

"I, uh, I saw you out here with Rosalie."

His eyes snapped to me.

"I mean it seemed like you guys were arguing."

Edward looked away. "Yeah, that's done."

Looking back at me, he half-smiled and grabbed for the bottle of vodka.

"Fuck the glasses." He winked and put the bottle to his lips. He swallowed a large gulp and handed the rest to me.

I took it and polished it off.

"Like a champ." Edward grinned.

I smiled back at him, and we just sat there quietly, the sounds from the party in the background.

"So... were you planning on telling me anytime soon?" I asked.

He took a few moments before he responded. I could tell by the guilt in his frown that he knew I was asking about college.

"Yeah. I've decided on Brown."

I sucked in a deep breath. That made it real.

"Congratulations," I barely choked out. "What happened to Berkeley?"

He shrugged. "I talked to my Dad about the future and shit… and… Brown makes sense. You know, med school…"

I think I nodded, but I couldn't be sure.

"Wow, so you've decided on med school too? You planned a hell of a lot."

"It was just… time to figure shit out, you know?"

"Yeah…" I ran a hand through my hair "Yeah, definitely." I hesitated. "I'm going to Berkeley…"

Edward smiled in this really soft way. He was happy for me.

"I heard. Congrats, Bella." He leaned forward and wrapped a hand around the back of my head, letting my forehead rest against his neck, and his other arm holding my back firmly.

I expected him to let go quickly, but he held me in place. His breathing slowed, and I could hear him inhaling and exhaling, but really, it could have been me because my heart was racing and my nerves were fried. Being in his arms felt good. More than good. I hadn't felt so much in so long.

"Edward…"

"Yeah?"

"Why… don't you kiss other girls?" I held my breath as his grip around me loosened, and I was afraid he was going to shut down and pull away. But he grasped my face in his large hands and pressed his forehead to mine.

"You _know why_." He said the words in this really slow, tortured whisper.

"Still…?"

I wanted him to say he wanted me. That he _still_wanted me.

He was silent and all I could hear was his tight breathing, and all I could see were his eyes, which were lit and intense.

"Always."

_Good enough_.

I wrapped my hands around his forearms, pressing my head further against his. It needed to be his move.

_Do it. Please._

I licked my lips and tightened my grip around his arms.

Electricity sparked the instant his lips met mine. He felt good and he tasted even better than I remembered. He took my bottom lip between his and stroked his tongue against it. I opened my mouth inviting more of him. Grasping his shirt, I pulled him closer and lifted onto my knees, moving my hands through his hair.  
>My mouth and tongue were unable to get enough of him. I searched wildly for satisfaction, but it never came. I wanted more, needed more.<p>

He wrapped me tightly in his arms. His face looked up at mine as the kiss began to turn from frenzied to… gentle and sweet. I rubbed my hand against the side of his face, kissing him lightly once, twice, three times before laying back and pulling him on top of me. His weight felt so good, and his hardness pressed against me felt even better.

I continued to run my fingers through his thick hair and let out a small cry as he pressed himself against me. I hitched my leg around him to get him closer. He let out a low moan, but slowed down.

He was breathing hard when he pulled away. "Let's get out of here…"

I caught my breath and nodded. When he got off of me, I instantly missed his warmth. He stood and reached out his hand.

I grabbed it immediately. We were both surprised at how quickly I had accepted it. He smiled as he led me back toward the house.

"I'll tell the guys to catch a ride home," he said.

I nodded and tried to release my hand.

"I'll meet you out front?" I asked.

I laughed as he nodded but didn't let go, even as I tugged gently.

"No backing out." Edward pulled me to him, his face serious.

I shook my head.

"There will be no backing out tonight," I agreed.

I ended up back by the lounge chairs, trying to find my way to the porch and I immediately regretted that route the moment I saw Rosalie. She caught me before I could get the hell out of there.

I stood awkwardly, shifting from foot to foot.

"How did you do it?" she asked.

"How did I do what?"

"Fuck you, Bella. Don't act like you don't know what," Rosalie spat.

"I don't." I shot back. I was so sick of her shit and still wanted to break something, _anything_on her.

But my rage started to calm when I realized that I may have already broken something _in_her. That was the first and only time I would ever see Rosalie Hale cry.

She looked away from me, hiding her tears.

"Rosalie…" I started.

"How…" she interjected. "How did you get him…to… _want_you?"

She stared at me like she was desperate to know, genuinely desperate. She stared at me expectantly, and when it became clear that I wouldn't offer her an answer, she rolled her eyes.

"I left earlier, because I was mad at him. I mean, I know that he isn't my boyfriend or whatever, but I came back out after he pissed me off because… because I want him," she explained honestly. A tear trickled down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away. "But when I got here, there you guys were. And… he was kissing you. Kissing you like, like you were water and he was dying of thirst."

"I don't know…" It was all I could offer her.

"Is it strange that I wasn't really surprised?" she asked with a sad smile. "I've been chasing that boy like an idiot, knowing that he wanted you."

She rolled her eyes at my shock to her admission. "Everyone knows, Bella. _Everyone_knows he's crazy about you."

She took a deep breath and stood, straightening herself out. And in what felt like an instant, it was like she had never shed a tear.

"To be clear, those were not tears for him. They were tears for me, for wasting my time and… letting him touch me when he was thinking of you."

Then she walked away.

And I was still thinking about her words as I sat on the porch steps.

The door to the house burst open and Jake and Edward came flying out with Jasper grasping either of their arms.

"Calm down!" Jasper shouted at them both. "Tyler! Grab Jake!"

Tyler Crowley came bolting out of the house and grabbed Jake by his arms.

"Get the fuck off me!" Jake yelled as he struggled against Tyler's grasp.

Royce stood at the doorway with Seth clutching him across the chest, and Riley standing in front of them both, holding his arms out, like that would keep the fight from escalating any further.

I jumped up. My hands had flown to my mouth, covering it as I stared wide-eyed at the scene in front of me.

"Get the fuck out of here, Cullen and take your fucking whore with you!" Royce shouted, his spit firing out of his mouth like venom, his head motioning toward me. His nose was bleeding and his left eye was beginning to swell.

My hands tightened over my mouth, stifling a scream I didn't want breaking free as Jasper flew at Royce, throwing several punches before being pulled off.

"Let's go!" I managed to pull Jasper back. He kept both his hands up, flipping Royce off as I dragged him down the steps.

Seth and Riley pulled Royce back into the house and the door slammed shut behind them.

"Hey, Bella, I can take them home if you need," Tyler offered. He was decent friends with Jasper.

"Could you take those two? I got him." I pulled on Edward's arm and grabbed his keys from his pocket. I shoved him into the passenger seat of his car, slamming the door shut.

As we lay on my bed, I could see the discoloration beginning to spread across the left of Edward's cheek as well as his right jawline. My fingers traced along the delicate skin.

"What happened?" I probed.

His eyes fluttered closed and he took several calming breaths before he spoke.

"He told me," he finally answered.

"Told you…?"

Edward turned his head to face me. His eyes were tired.

"That you blew him right before you came to me."

I stopped tracing his skin and pulled my hand back like I realized I had had it on a lit stove.

"Oh."

"I don't care. I mean… I didn't swing at him because I was mad at you. That fucker had that coming the way he talked about you..." His hand found mine and he brought it to his chest. "Anyway, I'm not mad… it's not like I was reading poetry to Rosalie."

I smiled lightly and turned to look at him. The sides of his mouth were turned up and his tongue swept across his bottom lip, reminding me of where we had left off.

"By the way, I _know_you weren't reading poetry to Rosalie," I teased.

Edward's arm draped across his eyes and he groaned.

"I don't care either," I assured him. I rolled my body so I was lying on top of him. I kissed his cheek, and I chuckled at how innocent it was. I did it again, on the other side. Edward smiled wide and I couldn't help but smile wide too. He shut his eyes with that smile on his lips.

We didn't have sex that night, or the night after, or the night after that. We didn't have sex for a long time. Instead, we made out like the teenagers we were and groped like we were still virgins. We didn't have sex, but what we did have was a relationship. And it fucking rocked, even for only a short while.


	12. Chapter 12

**AmeryMarie is my fab beta and sunflower3759 is my lovely prereader.**

**SusanQ is forever my hero!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Twelve (PresentPast)**

It has been two months since I last saw Edward. It's not unusual, but I know it's different this time.

I stand on my balcony smoking my sixth cigarette in two hours. I toss my half empty pack on the tray of my grill. Jasper stands next to me, sipping black coffee.

"Guess who called me?" Jasper asks, his fingers tightly gripping the mug.

I want to guess, but my heart's just not into it; I offer him a shrug instead, hoping he'll understand.

"Alice," Jasper answers after a moment.

I can't stop the goofy grin from taking over as I find the energy to be happy for him. He deserves to be happy, and I know that he hasn't been since the last time he and Alice were together.

"Yeah?" I punch him lightly on his shoulder, my brows lifting at his mile-wide smile.

Alice and Jasper had broken it off after what had seemed like a good run. She and I had even gotten close over the course of their two-year relationship. It seemed so solid when they called it quits. It took us all by surprise.

I feel a little better because if they can make it work, there's a chance Edward and I can, too. They don't have quite the cluster fuck of issues that we have, but I'll grab at any strand of hope.

"Hey, so…I saw Edward the other day." Jasper's voice drops a little, and I know that he is about to drop a bomb.

I pull on my cigarette and let the smoke sit inside me for a moment before I release it into the sunset. I brace myself for the bad news.

"Um…he's been offered a position at Johns Hopkins. He's moving to Baltimore."

Jasper takes a long sip of his coffee.

I have so many thoughts running through my mind that I'm overwhelmed. I take a final pull from my cigarette and put it out against the railing.

"When?" I ask calmly.

Inside, I'm losing my shit.

"Two weeks."

"Two weeks?" I have a difficult time grasping that time frame. Like, I can't wrap my head around it. I'm horrified and I swear my heart stops beating.

Jasper nods, but he doesn't look at me.

"Fuck."

I have nothing else to say, at least, not to him.

"Sorry, Bells…"

My palms are throbbing with pain, and I realize that my nails are digging into them. I keep them pressed tightly and dig in harder before releasing my fists.

"I need to see him before he leaves, talk to him...I need to _see_him." I tell this to Jasper like he can somehow fix things.

Jasper's head drops as he places the mug on the tray of the grill. He grabs for my pack of cigarettes and pulls one out. I know more bad news is coming, because he quit smoking two years ago.

I pull out my lighter from my back pocket and light it for him.

"Bells…"

Jasper pauses and I can't stand the suspense. I fold my arms to keep from reaching out and shaking him for answers.

"Just say it," I snap.

He takes a torturously long drag then taps the end of the cigarette to clear the ash before he speaks.

"Bells, he…he asked me to tell you that—_fuck_—that he doesn't want to see you before he leaves." He quickly lifts his smoke back to his lips and takes another pull.

I instantly feel tears collecting in my eyes.

"I'm too late," I say. "I've fucked up too much."

Jasper doesn't say anything. and I'm grateful for his silence, because I know that he could say so much.

"I've lost him, haven't I?"

He understands that I don't want him to answer. The silence in the air is confirmation of what I've known for so long now.

The realization that Edward is leaving hits me hard.

* * *

><p>It's 1:45 p.m. on the dot. Edward's flight to Baltimore, if on schedule, should just be taking off. I sit on my bed and smoke a cigarette. I don't usually smoke inside my apartment, but I'm too fucking sad to care. The ash falls on my bare legs tucked beneath me. Sad music cries from my stereo.<p>

I have the curtains closed, and I watch my alarm clock tick. And each time that big hand hits its next mark, I feel Edward slip further and further away. I've respected his request that I stay far away from him. I didn't go to the goodbye party that his parents threw. I spent that night drinking whiskey and looking at old photos, photos of us from last year. We had been happy then, hadn't we?

_Yes._

I'm up in an instant, grabbing my laptop from my desk. I look up flights and grab my credit card. I let my boarding pass print as I grab whatever I can and stuff it into a duffel bag. I quickly devise a poorly thought out plan as to how I will find him. What I will say. _How I will beg_.

I'm out my door and running to my car. My nervousness and desperation make me clumsy and I drop my boarding pass. After I pick that up I drop my phone. I yell several obscenities before I finally make it to my car and grab my key out of the exhaust pipe. I throw everything inside and start the car. Except, that the damn hunk of junk won't turn on. The bitch chooses _now_to bail on me. I slam the wheel with my hands a dozen times before grabbing my phone.

"Jake! Jake…I need you to pick me up."

He's startled by the urgency in my voice and he begins to ask questions like if I'm all right and what's going on.

"No time, just come and get me. I'm at my place."

In ten minutes I'm tossing my bag into the backseat of his car.

"What the fuck, Bella?" Jake says as he examines me to make sure I'm not hurt. His shoulders fall when he realizes that I'm physically in great health but my mind has obviously taken a beating.

"Oh _Jesus_…" he moans.

"I need you to take me to SFO," I tell him.

"Bella… " he starts, but he has no words and he can see how useless it will be. I'm crazy with determination and he's wasting precious minutes. He pulls out and drives, but he begins trying to talk me out of it. His words fly in one ear and out the other. He's persistent but my need for Edward overcomes his logic and good sense.

We near the airport and he gives it one more shot.

"Bella, you have got to let him go. You do this and…I can't. I can't anymore. Watching you two hurt this way...I can't, Bella, and I don't think Jasper can either. I'm done. I mean it. You get on that plane and our friendship—it's over."

I'm quiet as he pulls up to the curb. It's dead silence and even the sound of jet engines can't penetrate the moment.

And it's not that I don't care about Jake's presence in my life. And it's not that I can let Jasper go. It's just that...I can't see or think of anything other than Edward. Other than me.

"I'm sorry," I say to him before I grab my bag and slam the door behind me.

I check in and make my way through security. My plane will board in five minutes and I've made it. I take a seat and look out the window at all of the planes. I hear the sound of a bell and a voice announces that they will begin pre-boarding now. I watch tiny children waddle to the front with their parents and handicapped passengers make their way over. After a few moments there's another announcement that they will begin loading the first group. I look down at my boarding pass. I will be last.

As I wait, I can't stop the flood of memories that wash over me.

_It was partway through my freshman year when Edward transferred to Stanford. We spent every weekend together and for a while there, I think we both thought that this was it and this was what we'd be like forever._

_By the time second year began, my shortcomings as a girlfriend—as a person—really began to test us._

_Edward was helping me move into my new apartment the day that I met Garrett. I was unloading the boxes from the truck and Edward was taking them to my place._

_"Need some help?" Garrett asked, his sandy hair long enough that it reached his blue eyes._

_I didn't bother looking up for longer than a split second._

_"Nah, thanks though." _

_"A tiny thing like you can't be lifting gigantic things like this." He boldly grabbed the box from my hands with a lopsided smile. "Let a big man like me help you out."_

_"She's got a big man to help her out."_

_My head whipped around to Edward. He came from behind me and grabbed the box from Garrett, standing straight, letting the inch he had on him seem like more._

_Garrett took a small step back but didn't quit._

_"Lots of boxes, just wanted to help out," he said with a shrug. "You two moving in?"_

_"No, just me."_

_"Thanks, but we've got it," Edward said before shutting the trunk and stacking the boxes on top of each other._

_I grabbed for the smaller of the bunch and followed Edward as he headed toward my apartment. I tried to quell my irritation as Garrett followed at our heels. Even as we got to my door and started placing the boxes inside, Garrett stood at the door of the apartment directly across from mine. He leaned his back against it with his arms folded._

_"Do you need something?" Edward nearly snarled._

_Garrett shook his head and tapped the door behind him with his knuckles._

_"Just standing at my door. Looks like we're neighbors," he said as he stared at me. "Let me know if you ever need a cup of sugar, sugar." He opened the door and disappeared behind it._

_Edward took several steps forward. I grabbed at his arm._

_"Just let it go… that guy's a douche." I pulled him inside and shut the door behind us._

_I'd like to say that I never spoke to Garrett again after that, and I wish I never had. It's difficult to avoid someone who works hard to be inescapable. It was lonely for me when Edward was at school. Jasper and Jake were miles and miles away and making friends was never something I was good at. So, when Garrett tapped at my door with a six-pack and conversation, I didn't turn him away. Slowly, we began to talk, and steadily, we drifted toward friendship._

_Edward was lonely too and more so than me, temptation loomed at every corner. I could see it in their eyes, those girls who lived in his complex, dated his roommate, attended his parties. I didn't care, not really. _

_But when Edward's sweet brunette lab partner, Melanie, with sea-blue eyes and a dimpled smile came along…I started to care. She was beautiful and good humored and she liked him. And worst of all…she was _nice_._

_He and Melanie had been spending a lot of time together. They were both taking advanced classes that demanded late nights and long hours of research. It didn't take long for me to begin to hate the sound of her name or anything closely resembling it._

_Edward and I were apart way more than we were together. He had a lot going on. We spent a lot of time talking over the phone._

_"What do you want to do this weekend?" I asked. There was rustling on his end of the receiver._

_"Uh, bad news…I've got a shitload of lab work to get done before Monday," he replied sounding preoccupied._

_"So, no love?" I pouted._

_He didn't answer, but I could hear him typing._

_"What the fuck are you doing?" I asked, irritated._

_"Sorry. Melanie emailed me about reserving time at the lab. I'm just trying to get back to her before all of the slots get filled."_

_"Okay," I mumbled._

_"I'm sorry. As soon as this huge fucking assignment is over I'm coming out and loving the hell out of you." _

_I tried not to throw a fit and hung up with him on good terms. _

_I sat alone in my apartment letting hard lemonade keep me company. It probably wasn't the best of ideas because before I knew it, I was on Bart and headed toward Stanford._

_I stopped by Edward's apartment first. I freshened up and put on some makeup because fuck Melanie and her perfect fucking hair and smile. I headed out to the campus to find my boyfriend and give Melanie the best bitch-face I had._

_The halls were long and each room had large windows giving an open view of the laboratories._

_I found Edward and Melanie in one of the smaller rooms. They were wearing matching lab coats and sharing a microscope. My teeth ground together as I watched Melanie's eyes travel down Edward's jaw and the faint smile that played at her lips as he looked through the instrument._

_He said something and she laughed, her eyes twinkling with genuine amusement. She placed her hand on his shoulder and he smiled. Something inside of me snapped, and I burst through the door._

_The entire room looked up, startled. No one looked more surprised than Edward. He looked at me like I was crazy as I approached him._

_"Bella..." His eyes started traveling across my face and down my body. He was looking for the reason I came._

_I pulled him to me and hugged him hard._

_"What's going on?" he whispered._

_"Hi, Bella…" It was Melanie and I was just short of telling her to fuck the fuck off._

_"I missed you…" I whimpered into his chest. _

_He pulled me out of the lab and into the hall._

_"What's going on?" he asked with his hands grasping my cheeks._

_"Nothing…just…can't we go back to your place?" I asked._

_"I can't…you know I can't."_

_I let out a huff and leaned back against the wall. _

_"Can't you see it?" I said, motioning my chin towards Melanie back in the room. I wanted to flip her off as she peeked through the window._

_"See what?"_

_I rolled my eyes. "The way she looks at you…the way she _is_ around you."_

_Edward's brows pulled together like he hadn't a clue what I was talking about._

_"You _have_ to notice," I accused._

_He stepped back from me and ran his hand through his hair._

_"Bella…" He dropped his head and rubbed at his jaw. "Maybe I see it, but I don't care."_

_I folded my arms and looked away from him. Reaching out, he pulled me to him, his chin resting on my head._

_"How can you not know by now that…you're all I see?" he whispered._

_"It just…it bothers me. These girls are like fucking piranhas."_

_He sighed and lifted his chin._

_"Can we… go?" I asked again._

_"I can't." _

_He shook his head._

_I stomped my foot._

_"Fine. What-the-fuck-ever." I turned on my heel and walked away, ignoring him as he called me._

_I got back to his place and crawled into his bed. I could feel the beginnings of a hangover looming precariously. I forced myself to sleep._

_I didn't wake up until I felt his weight shift the mattress as he sat beside me. I felt like shit and it had nothing to do with how hard my head was throbbing._

_"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I don't know why I get so fucking stupid."_

_I felt his breath, hot on my skin as he sighed._

_"You can't burst into my labs like that," he scolded._

_"I know…I'm sorry." I turned my body to face him. His eyes were so tired._

_"Melanie...is a non-issue." His voice sounded exhausted. He laid beside me and reached out, stroking my cheek with his fingers._

_"I know that..."_

_He nodded once before shutting his eyes. _

_We fell asleep and when morning came, I woke to him getting ready to leave for another long lab session._

_His phone began to vibrate, and his face was serious as he read the text message. I tried not to roll my eyes because I was certain it was Melanie. _

_I asked who it was anyway._

_"Mark," he answered as he shoved his phone into his bag._

_"Who the hell is Mark?" I asked, sitting up._

_"My new lab partner."_

_He grabbed my chin and kissed my forehead._

_I smiled as he shut the door behind him._

I squeeze my eyes shut, and I don't open them until I'm certain I won't cry.

How did I let someone so good slip away from me?

I stop myself right there. There I go again. Always thinking of me.

I was always choosing myself over Edward...

_Jasper and Jake visited during breaks. They hated Garrett immediately. He was always around and always pushing buttons. Especially Edward's._

_"Hey Bellisima," Garrett greeted as he so often did those days. "Fellas."_

_"How's it going?" I replied. Edward draped his arm around my shoulders as Garrett matched his pace with ours. Jasper gave a polite nod of his head and Jake rolled his eyes and pushed ahead._

_"Not much, 'bout to hit the town." Garrett shrugged. "There's a party at the frat house, y'all can come."_

_"Uh, thanks, but we've got plans," I declined._

_"All right, Bellisima. Later." He took off in the other direction._

_"Why the fuck is that douche calling you that?" Jake spat._

_"That boy needs to be put in his place," Jasper said, shaking his head._

_"Fucking disrespectful," Jake continued. "Tell me you don't hang out with him, Bells."_

_"He's not that bad," I said with a shrug._

_Jake stopped in his tracks._

_"Bells, he's into you. He's waiting for the moment when he can swoop in."_

_"He's my only friend here," I reasoned. _

_I glanced up at Edward. He didn't say a word._

_I hadn't understood his silence then. Like all things, it took me a while to get it. He didn't say anything because he was hoping he wouldn't have to. And the thing was… he _shouldn't_ have had to._

_Shit hit the fan at the end of fourth year. I had finished my last final a day before Edward. He was going to spend the night studying. I was going to spend that day at the blowout party being thrown by one of the frats. I would meet Edward after his final. That was the plan._

_Things did not go according to plan._

_It wasn't a surprise that Garrett was at the party since he was the one who had told me about it. He showed me around the house and introduced me to all of his bros._

_"When are you gonna leave that guy of yours for me?" He flirted as we sat on the steps of the house together._

_I shook my head, but smiled. Harmless flirting was harmless._

_"Never."_

_Garrett laughed and nudged my knee with his._

_"You and your boy have been together since high school, huh?"_

_"Yup."_

_"You don't get curious?" he asked._

_"Nope," I replied. _

_He stared into my eyes, his brows lifted and his smile all crooked._

_He could tell part of me was lying. _

_"Stop looking at me like that," I said._

_Garrett chuckled and stood up._

_"I'm going to grab a drink; I'll grab you one, too." He didn't wait for me to respond before bounding back into the house._

_I contemplated calling Edward. I pulled my phone out and stared at it for a good minute. If I called him, I'd have to tell him that I was hanging out with Garrett, which meant that I would have to lie, because there was no way I could tell him that. I tucked my phone back into my pocket._

_I had fun that night with Garrett. We played beer pong and cheered each other on while we took turns with the beer bong. When I felt the vibration of my phone, I ignored it, even though I knew it was Edward. I was planning on calling him back, I really was._

_Garrett and I walked back to our apartment complex together. We stopped by the liquor store and bought more beer. We went back to my place and Garrett brought his pipe and some weed. The rest of the night was a haze. The last thing I remembered clearly was my phone buzzing… but I was too fucked up to grab it._

_When I woke up I tried to piece together everything that happened. We had smoked all night and my apartment was littered with cans of beer. My head was pounding. I grabbed my phone to check the time and found that I'd missed ten calls and I had eight voice messages and five text messages. All from Edward. _

_They began casually enough, asking me if I got home all right, to a joking, 'are you dead?' then transitioning to worry, then telling me he was coming out to see if I was alive. _

_Shit. _

_The last message was left about thirty minutes ago._

_I grabbed at Garrett's arm and shook him roughly. I wracked my brain trying to think if anything went down between him and I last night. I was certain that nothing did._

_"Get up! Oh my god, get up and get out!" I yelled as I began picking up cans and throwing them into the garbage. Even though nothing happened, Edward finding Garrett here and being part of the reason I didn't return any of his calls or messages would not end well._

_Garrett was groggy from last night and it took several attempts to wake him up._

_"Get out, sorry, but you have to leave," I said as he stood and rubbed his eyes._

_"What's wrong, Bellisima?" he asked in a lazy tone that only frustrated me._

_"Stop fucking calling me that! Get out!" I screamed as my paranoia of Edward walking in on this disaster began to grow with every second._

_"God, all right. Damn."_

_Garrett started toward the door but I could tell that he was walking slower than he had to. I began pushing him from behind and when we got close enough to the door I flung it open and shoved him out._

_The tension in the air was so thick as Edward stood only a few feet away._

_Garrett put his hands in the air, declaring his innocence before retreating to his apartment and leaving only Edward and me._

_I took a small step toward him._

_He backed away and instantly he was headed down the hall._

_I shouted after him, running barefoot onto the cold cement. "Nothing happened!" I chased him to the parking lot. "I swear nothing happened!"_

_Edward stopped abruptly and whirled around sharply. He was burning so hard with anger, I was almost surprised everything around us didn't catch on fire._

_"Do you know how many thoughts ran through my head on my way here?" He walked back to me, his face inches apart from mine. "I thought something happened to you! But no, no…you're perfectly safe. You just spent all night with that fucker and ignored me!"_

_"It's not like that…" I started._

_"But it is. It's always this. It's always you thinking of _you_, it's always you before _me_…hell, it's _anyone_ before me!"_

_I shook my head and grabbed frantically for him as he turned to walk away. He pulled from my attempts and roughly yanked the door to his car open._

_In a last ditch effort I threw my arms around his waist and pressed myself to his back, desperate to keep him from leaving. He slammed his hands on the top of his car, and I felt his body go limp as he rested his weight against it. I don't know how long we stood there, but I kept my arms locked around him until he finally spoke._

_"Am I in this thing alone, Bella?" he asked._

_I shook my head into his back as I squeezed him tighter._

_"No…I'm in it with you. I swear I am."_

But I wasn't. I never gave enough. I was always taking. Taking his patience. Taking his forgiveness. Taking his love. I never loved him enough.

A voice calls for all passengers to board the plane. I have missed the announcement for my boarding group. The area around me has emptied and it's time for me to board, but my legs are glued to the gray carpet and I can't move.

I'm still sitting there as the door to the gate shuts tightly. I'm motionless as the plane to Edward backs out and taxis its way to the departure strip. I watch it fly away.

I'm not sure how long I sit but when I get up my legs feel like jelly. I'm in a daze as I walk to the baggage claim area. I try to clear my head so I can call a cab.

As I look around, I meet Jake's black eyes. He stands near the sliding doors with his hands in his pockets. I don't even realize that I'm running to him until I ram into him so hard he stumbles backwards a little. He holds me tight as I fall to pieces.

When I stop sobbing he tucks my hair behind my ears.

"You ready?" he asks, and I know he doesn't just mean going home.

I take a deep breath. "Yeah, I am." To go home. To let _him_go.

I tell Jake thanks. Thanks for waiting. Thanks for believing that I could be a better person than I am.

When I get to my apartment I take a good look around. I could pour myself a glass of whiskey, light up a cigarette and listen to sad music for the rest of my day.

But that's what I _would _do.

I make the decision not to do what I would do. Instead, I clean up my apartment—I had let it get filthy—I put away the old photos I had sprawled out on my floor, I wash my dishes, I change my sheets, and I clean my floors. My place begins to look good.

I'm itching for a cigarette, so I go to my pantry, where I am stocked with a carton. I take it out and stare at it.

I would smoke, so I don't.

I throw the carton in the dumpster outside.

I want to drink, so I toss that out, too.

I make a decision, a serious decision…to change.


	13. Chapter 13

**Thank you to my lovely beta AmeryMarie and pre reader SunFlower3759.**

**SusanQ and Kim are super special and I thank you guys for your support ;)**

**To everyone reading/reviewing/recommending: thank you so so much. There are about two chapter left before we say goodbye. I hope you will stick around!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Thirteen (Present)<strong>

Jasper sits on my couch, his hands resting on his knees. He's got this smile, this gigantic, stupid smile. Jake sits beside him, a smaller grin stretched across his lips.

My eyes dart back and forth between my two best friends. They're like giant man-children as they stifle their giggles and nudge each other, delighted by my frustration.

"What!" I throw my hands up. They burst into laughter.

"Jesus freaking Christ, Jasper. Spill it already." I sigh, completely frustrated with his silence.

"I asked her."

He doesn't need to tell me what his question was. I already know. Around the time that Edward had left nearly eight months ago, Jasper and Alice got back together. He had mentioned on more than one occasion that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

"Oh my god! Congratulations!" I stand and he meets me for a hug.

"Aw, me too," Jake jokes as he joins in on the huddle, squeezing us both in his large arms.

"Wow…engaged. I'm happy for you Jasper, really. Alice is great." I grab his hands and give them a tight squeeze.

"Yeah, fucking _engaged_. And Alice is _amazing_," Jasper says with so much elation, I can't help but feel completely giddy for him.

They stay for coffee. Things have been great between the three of us since I stopped being a train wreck. Jake and Jasper keep in touch with Edward. They never mention him around me. I think they worry that I'll back-pedal against all of my progress or something. And maybe I'm worried too.

I'm making dinner for him. He'll be here any minute and I've got a few finishing touches left on the pasta dish I've prepared: a sprinkle of this, a dollop of that.

I place the dish on my dining table. I don't go so far as to light a candle or anything; I haven't changed _that _much. I place a bottle of Merlot at the center of the table. I've downgraded from the hard liquor to a glass of wine every so often. I feel fancy. I smile at my accomplishment—a full meal, made by me, for a boy I kinda like. A lot.

There's a knock at my door and I almost fucking skip there. He's here.

I met Alec about three months ago. He had this smile…this disarming smile that made me want to hear what he had to say.

"I've been trying to come up with some witty pick-up line all night," he'd said.

I was irritated at first. I'd been trying so hard to let Edward go…to mean it. I dove into my job and applied for a position that kept me out of my apartment; I spent as much time as I could out of that place. All my work turned into a promotion. I was meeting the guys for a celebratory drink, and there Alec was.

"And?" I had responded.

"Nada."

Then that _smile_. He asked if I wanted another glass of wine and joked that he wasn't above buying my attention. My affection. Acceptance.

I smile at the memory.

We eat dinner and rip into the dessert he brought; as he helps me clear the plates and clean up, I realize that I really, really do like this guy.

"Listen, what are you doing next Thursday night?" I ask.

He feigns shock.

"Why, Isabella Marie Swan, are you actually inviting me out to your ultra-exclusive Thursday night rendezvous?"

He's all smiles and I am, too.

"Jasper got engaged, and it's going to be a small thing," I explain like it's nothing. It's _not_. He looks at me like he _knows_it's not.

"Well, I'm glad you're letting me tag along anyway."

We finish cleaning and after, we talk, laugh and have sex. Even though we've been dating for three months, I don't let him stay the night. He takes it all in stride and is just what I need.

Before he leaves he takes my face into his hands.

"Thanks for wanting me to be around you." He places a light kiss on my nose and looks into my eyes for a moment before saying, "I really like you, Bella Swan."

I'm almost surprised every time he says that he likes me. I'm getting better at liking myself.

"I like you, too…" I say with my eyes staring at his feet. I repeat it once more, but to myself. When I shut the door gently behind him, I take a deep breath.

Being put together takes so much energy.

I try to keep myself as busy as possible when I'm alone. I've learned that it's the best way to keep my thoughts in check. I'm not always successful, but I try.

Jasper and Alice are the kind of _happy_that makes me want to laugh and cry. I sit back at a table by myself and let the happy couple—and a very small group of people—bask in their excitement.

Jake plops down next to me, clinking his beer to my water.

"Bad luck to _cheers_with water," I joke.

Jake shrugs.

"I can't believe Jasper's getting hitched."

"She's good for him," Jake says.

When I'm not actively concentrating, thoughts of the boy I wasn't good for begin to emerge. It always starts with the sound of his voice, then the picture of his eyes, the faint memory of his lips. Usually, I'm good at sending the thoughts away and pressing on. But when I let my guard down, like tonight, I am reminded of how much I still love and miss _him_. I'm learning everyday what it takes to be a better person.

Jake and I talk until he is pulled away by Alice, who wants to introduce him to a friend of hers.

I look at my watch. Alec should be here soon. I'm both excited and scared shitless to be taking such a huge step. Alec coming to _Thursday night_—it means something. He's _somebody_.

I watch as Alec strolls in. He is handsome in his suit. I'm not much for fancy clothes, but he sure can _wear_ _a suit_.

My heart stops as I see the man that walks only a few steps behind him.

_Edward_.

He is still as beautiful as ever, arguably more so. His eyes are tired, but that hardly takes from the spring-green of them; his hair is longer but well kept.

They both look from left to right, in search of familiar faces. Their eyes land on me at the same time. Also in unison, they start walking in my direction.

I don't know where I find the guts, but I stand and head toward them. Edward stops dead in his tracks as Alec wraps me in a hug and kisses me hello. My eyes are locked on, even as my body is pressed tightly against Alec. Edward's face is inscrutable, but I search for some indication that he is happy to see me.

It's not until he's called in a delighted squeal by Alice that our gaze is broken. Instantly, Edward is surrounded and I can hardly see him.

"Your friend?" Alec asks. I don't know how to respond, because I'm not quite sure what Edward is anymore. I don't go to him. Instead, Alec and I take a seat, and I fight against wanting to pull my hands out of his and push his body away as it presses intimately against mine. I feel terrible and angry that all it takes is his presence for me to lose so much ground. I do my best to pay attention to Alec but my body is relentlessly aware of every move Edward makes.

When Alec leaves me to order a drink, Jake swiftly takes his place.

"We had no idea he was coming. He jumped on a plane and showed up to surprise Jasper," Jake explains quickly. "How are you doing?"

I open my mouth to say that I'm not sure how I'm doing, but the words don't come out.

"Shit…" Jake shakes his head.

"Don't worry, Jake. I don't plan on diving off the deep end or anything." I attempt to convince him and maybe convince myself too. Jake gives my arm a light squeeze.

My heart pounds as Edward and Alec stand beside each other at the bar. I watch as they shake hands and exchange words. My eyes scrutinize every blink that Edward makes, every nod of his chin, and every twitch of his lips.

When they break their conversation and Alec heads back to me, I'm quick to scurry to the bathroom to give myself a minute to collect my thoughts.

I rinse my hands more than I need to and stare at myself in the mirror. I take several deep breaths.

This night is so familiar.

Before I even open the door to exit the bathroom, I can _feel _him. I'm shaking as I step out.

His hands are in his pockets and his back rests against the wall.

"Hi, Bella." He smiles as he says my name. The corners of my mouth draw up immediately, and I am relieved that he is brave enough to say the first words.

"Edward…" His name falls from my lips first. "Hi, Edward." I correct myself and shake my head, hoping to untangle the jumble of thoughts and emotions that are taking over.

"It's been a while," he says.

I nod and am thankful for the dim lighting of the hall hiding how nervous I am.

"You…seem well." Edward's eyes search mine, like he's trying to see if I really am as well as I look.

"Yeah, I've been making quite a few changes." I take a couple of steps forward and stand beside him, letting my shoulder rest against the wall.

"So it would appear."

The air between us is uncomfortable and wordless. We stare at each other, then down at the floor, back to each other, then away again.

"When did you get here? You know, San Francisco, I mean," I ask in an attempt to break through the awkwardness.

"Two hours ago. I had just enough time to check in to the Ritz," he explains.

"Oh, you're fancy now," I joke lightly.

Edward shrugs.

"Nah, a buddy of mine gave me his Presidential Suite. He was supposed to travel here for some business thing, but it didn't work out." He clears his throat with a cough. "So, I hear congratulations are in order?" he says, changing the subject. "Promotion."

"Yeah, it's nothing…just figured it was time to get serious about life and all."

"Right." He nods. "I saw you nursing a glass of water?"

I duck my head.

"I've cut the hard stuff out. I do have a glass of wine once in awhile, though."

"Talk about fancy." His brows twitch in amusement.

I laugh and shrug.

"We both know it has nothing to do with being fancy. Part of being serious about life means kicking bad habits."

Edward is quiet and it's like he's trying to figure something out.

"I'm glad to see you…" I say hesitantly.

His head nods almost imperceptibly, and I watch his eyes as they peer into mine.

"I'm sorry," he says after a small lull of silence. "I shouldn't have just…left like that."

"No." I shake my head. "No apologies. Not from you to me."

Edward reaches out his hand, but pulls it back and shoves it inside of his pants pocket. He runs a hand over the back of his neck and rubs at it.

"I'm about to go out for a smoke, want to come?" he asks.

I duck my head and for just a moment, I think about taking smoking up again. But I did not come so far to crumble before the one person my change mattered most for.

"I quit…" My voice is meek because, silly enough, I don't want to disappoint him with my healthy life choices.

Edward tilts his head a little and the lighting shines like a spotlight over his face. His eyes squint and the sides of his lips curve upward. But it's not the smile I know...I _knew_.

"Well, look at you…" he says. His brows pinch together and his smile drops before he bows his head back into the darkness. "Good for you. You're better than ever, huh?" The strange smile is back but looks so much clearer in its rightful place in the dark, and I can see it for what it is—bitterness. "I met your boyfriend…" The word _boyfriend_drops in tone and breaks off as Edward's jaw flexes and un-flexes like a pulse.

"Edward..."

"It's good to see you, Bells." He takes a step back. "I gotta go."

His long legs carry him quickly down the hall. I follow after, but lose sight of him as I run into Alec.

He places his hands on my arms and begins kneading them. He can feel the tension. "Are you alright?"

I feel like shoving him away and chasing after Edward. But I am not that girl anymore. I don't disregard the feelings of the people who have been good to me in order to do what will make _me_ feel better. I don't ever want to be _her_ again. She's the girl that lost _him_.

"I'm all right," I say unconvincingly.

"Do you want to go home?" he asks.

I scan the area quickly and see no sign of Edward, but I do see Jasper and Alice, and I am reminded that this night is about them.

"No, come on. Let's join the happy couple," I say as I pull on his arm.

As we sit and listen to Jasper and Alice spill the details of a wedding that doesn't even have a date, I notice Edward re-enter the bar. He takes a seat at the far end of our table, beside Jake.

I watch him as he fidgets in his seat, bothered and bitter. _I did that_—without even trying, without even meaning to. So much work went into changing so that I couldn't do that to him anymore.

He thinks that I am better off without him. And some of me is. I look healthy. I smile at dumb shit.

But losing him was painful. It's the kind of pain that hurt so bad, I couldn't feel it after a while. It still lives here though, in my bones, and nothing about me ever feels okay, not really.

Behind my smiles and laughter is a sadness that won't quit.

As the night draws to a close, I hope to steal another moment with Edward.

But he slips away without a word to me.

Alec walks me to my apartment, and he wants to come inside. He's wanted to come _inside_for so long. He rubs at my hips with his hands and blows his breath against my neck as he holds me.

I tell him that I don't feel well and that it's best that I go to sleep.

"What's wrong?" he asks. "You've been acting different all night."

I tell him that it's nothing, because it's _everything_that he'll never be for me; in that moment, I know that this thing with Alec can't go on any longer. I send him away with a chaste kiss on the cheek.

It will be the last.


	14. Chapter 14

**Hi there. So...it's been a while. You know you've gone too long without an update when the rest of your chapters have disappeared from the Doc Manager. Thanks for waiting. My beta, Amerymarie, rocks all kinds of socks. I don't even know what I'd do without Suken.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 14 (Past)<strong>

Maybe a part of me was waiting for him to pull the trigger, to be done with it.

I shouldn't have been so shocked when it happened. Things were changing..._he_ was changing.

I'd worn his patience until it was paper-thin and tested his forgiveness over and over. It was like I had this sick need to _push_ him...to see how far, how deep, how wide he'd spread himself for me.

The distance and depth were more than anyone could ask for.

"So, you're Cullen's girl, huh?"

"Cullen's girl?"

He laughed, perfect pearl white teeth to go with the darkest smile. Marcus was an intern working with Edward during his first year.

"He talks about you a lot."

My stomach settled a little. It had been stirring since we got to what was the fourth function we had attended in three months.

"Oh?" I replied.

He nodded curtly. "Keeps the other girls at bay." Leaning into me, he winked, like we shared some sort of secret.

I swirled the scotch in my glass.

Other girls.

I scanned the room quietly. Edward stood at the other end, surrounded by people I didn't know and didn't care to know. He glanced at me, smiled and gestured with his chin for me to join him. I watched as the girls standing with him stared at me, then at him, then at me again.

Edward's intern year was...difficult to say the very, very least. He worked long hours and spent nights away, and when he was home, he was tired and only ever half present. The other half of him was at the hospital. With those other people. With those other girls.

I turned away from him, shooting the rest of my drink.

"Do you have a smoke?" I asked Marcus.

The night was still warm from the remnants of the summer sun. Marcus lit my cigarette, the orange flame staring back at me in his dark, dark eyes.

"You two high school sweethearts?"

_Sweethearts_.

"Me and Edward?" I played dumb, taking a generous drag.

"Ha. Yep, you and Cullen." He smiled widely.

"Something like that," I replied.

"That's..._sweet_." Marcus chuckled, his shoulders shaking beneath his fancy suit. He paused, breathing in the purple night sky, before exhaling slowly. "Edward Cullen. Hm..." His head shook.

What's clear now, was that he was baiting me. And the truth was, it really couldn't have come at a better time. I had been picking fights with Edward every other night. I wasn't quite sure what to fight about tonight. When things got too smooth, I found bumps to cross.

Marcus stared at me as he tapped the ash off his cigarette.

I thought about not biting, just for a second. I thought about thanking Marcus for the smoke, heading back to Edward, stealing him away from all those strangers and fucking him until the sun woke up.

I thought about it, until this wave of numbness swept those thoughts away.

"What about him?" I said.

Marcus shrugged, releasing a long sigh.

"Together all throughout med school too?" he asked.

I gave him a short nod.

"Not a tiny break or anything in between?" Marcus licked his lips like he was hungry for my answer. "Not an itch that needed scratching here or there?"

"No."

"Hm. How about that. That's phenomenal."

"Yeah," I said, rolling my eyes.

"I have to ask, what's a guy gotta do to keep a pretty thing like you completely locked down?"

I didn't answer, opting to take a drag instead.

"Really though, what's the secret?" he asked, taking a half step closer to me, closing what was already a short distance between us.

"What's with the creepy fucking questions about Edward and me?" I snapped.

Marcus held up his hands, a practiced surrender.

"You're upset. My apologies." He took a long drag, a really long fucking drag...the kind when you can hear the tobacco sizzle into ash. "It's just..."

I held my breath. _I remember that I held my breath_.

"It's just that, you're something, and...I can't seem to wrap my head around why the..." his eyes searched the air, "_infallible_ Edward Cullen would..." he paused again, studying me, watching my face tighten, maybe even hear my heart tick like a time bomb, "...why he would...even risk it. Know what I mean?"

He took a casual breath, like it was nothing, like he didn't just pull the pin from the grenade. Maybe it wasn't anything, maybe everything in me told me it wasn't. Maybe I didn't care.

I killed my cigarette.

"The redhead." It couldn't have been the redhead.

I remember the sparkle in his eye. That gleam of intrigue.

"Victoria?" He said it like he was pondering, like he didn't know what was behind door number one. He reached into his pocket and offered me another smoke as he shook his head.

"That short brunette, Jane something..." I muttered as I accepted, placing the cigarette between hard, dry lips.

"She does look a little like you, doesn't she? Brown hair, brown eyes, pretty pale white skin? I didn't get it at first, you know, when I found them. And I was really thrown for a loop when I saw you..." He wet his lips as he eyed me... and everything he said after that was white noise. I heard none of it, because we had a winner.

_Found them_. Found them how? Found them where? When?

The truth was, it wouldn't have mattered. We were spent. _We were spent then_.

I didn't ask how or where or when. I just inched closer to that strange man, slipped a hand beneath his coat, just below his ribs, and lifted to my toes, the tip of my unlit cigarette kissing the blazing end of his. I stood there, until the fire caught on.

I could have done a lot in that moment. I would have. I want to think I wouldn't have, but I _would_ have. I leaned in closer, close enough to turn that whole encounter from bad, to worse.

He smelled good. He smelled like revenge.

I was glad to hear the sound of his footsteps—Edward's. Even though I would have pushed as far as I could, when he showed up, I felt relieved. After all, it was all for him.

He stopped not too far from Marcus and me, looking calm, looking collected. Eerily placid.

I took a small step away, and Marcus mumbled some bullshit about me being lovely and the night too young. He left quickly.

I waited for Edward to ignite into what I was sure would be a man on fire.

But he stood quietly, stood calmly. He was so quietly still, until he finally moved.

When he reached for my cigarette, I could see how white his knuckles were, how tightly he had had them fisted in his pockets.

I watched him as he smoked..._I really liked the way he smoked_...the way his jaw sharpened when he pulled, the way he squinted through the burn, how soft his lips looked as he blew away the worst of it all. I really liked the way he smoked a cigarette.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he questioned quietly, in a calm-before-the-hurricane kind of way. He stared at the cigarette, studying the way the fire burned out, before flicking it to the ground.

I can't help but think that if I had just..._surrendered_. If I had just swallowed that overwhelming need to seek-and-destroy, I could have saved us.

"I _was_ having a cigarette," I spat. And before I could stop the words, before I could even figure out if I wanted them out there, they spilled from my spite-filled lips. "And wondering how you liked fucking Jane. Marcus told me that he walked in on you two. I just want to know how it was for you."

The disbelief swept over his face for the briefest of moments, before disappearing like it was never there. He stepped closer to me, so close my back arched over the edge of the balcony.

"You want to know how I liked _fucking_ Jane?" he asked coolly.

"Yes."

He closed his eyes and stood still, just breathing in and out. When he opened his eyes, he looked so...hurt.

"What Marcus walked in on? Was nothing. I fell asleep in the on-call room and she slept next to me, because we were talking. And yeah, maybe I shouldn't have let her lay next to me, maybe I should have moved, but I didn't. You want to know why?" I could see him swallow back tears. I could see the fire of his anger reflect from his eyes. "Because she was nice." He wiped his mouth with his hand, then quickly rubbed away any tears that might have slipped through. "Nothing happened, Bella. I didn't fuck around with anyone. But damn you, goddamn you, for making me want to."

He shook his head as he backed away.

And me? I turned, didn't even watch as he slipped from me.

When I think back to the end, the very end, I always remember those signs right before. There were times when the night was its darkest, its quietest, when my eyes would fly open, and he'd be laying next to me, just out of reach, wide awake. Some nights, so close to the end, I'd find him standing by the window, the glow from the moon bouncing off his bare, sunken shoulders. If I were the kind of girl he deserved, I would have reached out to him, asked him what was wrong and how I could make it better. But I watched in silence. I watched completely still. I just watched until the day finally came when I found him sitting on the couch, bags packed, mind made up.

He didn't yell. He didn't fight. I think he was just ready. Or at least, he wanted to be.

I remember that day more closely than I want: the sun had just slipped into sleep, and the moon stretched its glow across the sky, turning it a deep, dark navy blue.

It was so cold that night. And he sat so still. Straight-backed. Blank-faced.

"I have loved you for a very long time," he said. He looked up at me, watched me as I took the space beside him.

My eyes locked on the bag sitting by his feet.

"Edward..." I said, my pitch unexpectedly high.

He held up his hand, and his face collapsed into this sad, sad frown.

"I can't remember the last time you were nice to me." He shook his head, like he was trying to get his memory jogging, get it to remember.

Guilt coiled in my stomach. My heart felt like it had quadrupled in weight. I couldn't remember the last time I was nice to him either.

"I've wanted you for so long," he whispered, his jaw flexing tightly. "And for a while there, I really thought I had you."

"I'm right here, Edward."

He nodded, like he was satiating some restless child.

"Sometimes...I don't even know if you like me," he continued.

"_Jesus_. Of course I like you. I fucking _love_ you."

I stood and quickly made my way to the kitchen. I made it clear that my fuse was short by slamming things around, making a show of my impatience...I don't know why I did that. Maybe I was trying to tire him into sparing us for another night. Desperate times. Desperate measures.

He was standing when I returned, one hand holding the bag, the other balled into a tight fist.

"I don't know if it matters to you or not...but I'm not mad. Not at you."

"You're mad at yourself," I sneered, barely holding back an eye roll.

He shrugged.

"Well that's very big of you," I spat, fighting tears I didn't know I had in me.

"I still..." He paused, like he was considering whether he meant what he was going to say. "I still want to be friends."

"Of course you do. Good Guy Edward. Right?" I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from falling into a breakdown.

He shrugged again, not meeting my eyes.

"Let me know when you're ready to do the friend thing." He turned and headed toward the door.

Staring at his back, I could feel the force of desperation as it began to surge through me.

"So that's it? We're done...just like that?" I said.

He stopped. His hand hung on the doorknob, his fingers tightly grasping the copper.

"_Just like that_..." he repeated. "Sure. _Just like that_." His shoulders shook as he laughed dryly.

And in the next moment, he was gone.


	15. Chapter 15

**Thanks so much for the warm welcome back :) My beta, Miss Amerymarie, is fabulous. Suken is all things, all the time. **

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 15 (Present)<strong>

I stand tall and full of resolve, before slowly sinking back onto the couch. It's like I can't seem to hold on to the courage to go to him, because just as quickly as I find the nerve, I lose it in the next moment.

I can't shake the jitters from my hands; there's a rapid thumping in my chest and a surge of energy that runs through my entire body, nonstop. I haven't felt so much in so long that I didn't even realize how much I'd missed what it feels like to feel. Even if it makes my heart ache.

The way I figure it, I've got two choices: stay and let him go, or go and make him stay.

It's not a choice at all.

I'm nervous as hell as I walk into his hotel. It's nearly midnight as I stand at the door to his suite.

I could use a cigarette. And a shot of tequila.

My hand is shaky as I lift it to the bell. The sound of the buzz is loud and I jump a little—my nerves have me on edge. It takes a minute, but I can hear stirring, and before long, he's standing on the other side of the door. I can feel his hesitation and it makes my heart drop to the bottom of my stomach. A part of me is so afraid he won't open the door...that it's shut for good.

I let out the air from my lungs as I hear the knob turn.

When he opens the door, he does it so slowly, so carefully, and then he stares at me with silent eyes, dead and tired. He's taken off his blazer and undone the buttons of his shirt, sleeves rolled up. He looks beautiful even if looking destroyed.

"Can I come in?" I ask.

He steps aside and holds the door open for me as he rubs at his eyes. He nearly slams it behind me, but says nothing as he walks quickly to the couch and takes a seat.

I stare at the glass of whiskey on the coffee table as I sit beside him.

When I look at him, his eyes are closed and he's rubbing at his temple with two slowly moving fingers; I'm not sure what to do.

After a few minutes of absolute silence, I decide to dive right in.

"Listen...I don't want you to think that I'm somehow better because you're not in my life. I'm not a better person, or whatever, because you're gone. I'm better because I knew I had to be…because you were gone and I didn't want you to be."

I stop talking and stare at his stillness. I try to gauge his reaction, but I can't read him. The quiet is scary and unsettling, so I keep going.

"But I learned that in order to get better, I needed to give up certain things—my chain-smoking and drinking for starters. _Jesus_, I was…out of control." I cough for no reason except to give my nerves some time to calm the fuck down. "My crazy, irrational fear that I'll be left a pathetic mess à la my father—which, I've realized I've done anyway—" I catch my breath, take in another gulp, and continue. "Most importantly, I had to give up the hope that you would be mine again one day, because I realized that I wouldn't be able to handle it if that weren't the outcome. And that wouldn't be change at all, that would be...a pause...or something."

He shifts and I hold my breath with the expectation that he will say something. He places his elbows on his knees and his fingers dig into his hair. He doesn't say anything.

"I don't know what I am...if _better_ is the right way to describe it. The thing is, I'm okay on the outside, you know? Like, I smile at dumb shit, and I can let the little things go...but I'm sad, too. All the time I feel _so_ sad."

He shuts his eyes and I wonder if I'm hurting him. I want to learn how to stop doing that.

"I mean…I think I'll be okay. If you leave again, I think I'll be okay. But…I won't ever be better than I would be with you around…"

"Bella…"

I nearly jump at the sound of his voice, even though it's barely above a whisper.

"Stop."

I hold my breath. I hold it so abruptly and so absolutely, that my chest begins to ache. I can't decide why it hurts so badly. My eyes sting, but I refuse to blink as I watch him.

I wait, in near pain, until he speaks.

"Please…"

It's all he says. His voice cracks just barely.

The air that I had kept hostage leaves me in a surprising sob as tears that didn't register begin to fall rapidly down.

He watches me cry, follows my hot tears with his dry eyes. He reaches out his hands and cups my cheeks in their warmth. I cry harder.

Edward takes his thumbs and sweeps them across my cheeks, breaking the long, heavy trail of tears.

"Don't cry..." he whispers. And the soft way he says it, the way his voice breaks, shatters me.

My forehead lightly bumps against his and I just…sink into him, without meaning to. I'm supposed to be stronger than this now. But being near him, being around him makes me so weak—in my knees, in my head, in my heart. All I want is to be as close to him as I can possibly be.

And without another thought, my arms wrap around him, my lips find their way to his, and I kiss him with everything I've got—all the regret, all the hope, and second, third, and fifth chances I don't deserve. And when he meets me, somewhere just shy of the middle, I can feel the calm of surrender sweep over us as our lips slip between each other's timidly. His kiss is so disarmingly warm and soft, I just want to be here, in this moment, for as long I can. I'd give anything to be able to stay here.

I can't think straight as his arms wrap around me in a grip that makes me feel like he couldn't possibly let go, not for anything. I feel brand new, like we can do this: start over and be together the way that we should have been from the start. I think...this is it. This is where we stop talking about the end and start working on the beginning. I'm so ready for this.

I want him forever, for always.

He wants me, _too_. His hot lips and restless touch tell me so. I feel like I could live off his kiss. I don't need much else. We are buried in each other. I can't stop feeling him. I can't stop wanting more of him. Our breathing sounds so completely in tune. We're desperate for air, but so willing to go without.

How have I gone so long without this? Without him?

I'm in a complete daze that I don't notice the shift. I'm so filled with hope and possibility that I don't realize that he has slowed to a near stop. It doesn't click for me until he stops completely.

His fingers are soft, but they're shaky as they drift down my cheek. He's pink around his cheeks, and his lips are almost rose-red. He tilts his head to the side, and looks at me like he's baffled.

"Why couldn't you just let me love you?" he asks.

He searches my eyes, looking for an honest to God answer somewhere way below the surface. The hunt stops quickly, though; he thinks I'm still the girl that doesn't have any answers for him. I want to say that I'm not her—I don't think—but he's got things to say now. It's his turn.

"I somehow got in my head that I was good for you. That if you would just let me_ be with you_, I could do this whole love thing alone. I thought I loved you enough."

_Loved_.

I'm still in his arms and he's still in mine. I can't understand how he's slipping from me...I'm holding him so tightly.

"I met someone."

I have to take a moment, let those words settle in the air.

He leans back, breaks away from me. I don't know what to do, except let him go.

"I couldn't…_feel_ anything for her. I couldn't feel anything for anyone. I loved you _so_ much."

_Loved_.

My heartbeat thunders in my ears. I'm having a hard time hearing him. My arms that just felt so at home around him, they're lost and feel so empty now. I wrap them around myself to stop the panic I know is coming.

"Did you mean it?"

His question barely registers in my head. The only words that exist in my world are: I met someone. Did he even ask a question?

It takes me too long to decide, so he asks again.

"Bella...did you mean it?"

What did he ask? There was a question, I'm sure. I just can't...seem to get the world to stop spinning so damn quickly.

"Mean...what?" I choke out. It's so hard to speak. To breathe. To _live_ in this moment.

"That you'd be okay. That you'd be all right."

Would I be okay? If he were to bring my six-feet-buried-deep heart out to the surface and squeeze until I thought it would burst, then set it down and walk away...would I be okay?

I stare at him, at the man who loved me, at the boy who believed in a better me. The one that _endured_ me.

What would saying _no_ mean? It wouldn't mean I've changed. It wouldn't mean I can do different...that I am different.

I don't know where I find the will, but somehow...I manage to answer.

When I nod _yes_ his face is stone-cold still.

"Okay then." He nods and stands, walking slowly to the door.

I don't know what else to do but follow him. He holds it open, waiting for me to step through, to end this thing.

"Edward..."

"Thanks for coming by and clearing things up."

I don't quite understand what's happening. I stand here, lost.

"Are you...mad at me...?"

He shakes his head before saying softly, "I'm not mad." He reaches out his hand and slides his fingers around the back of my neck, his thumb brushing lightly against my cheek. "I _needed_ this."

He's being honest, and I'm not sure what changed in mere moments, but there's almost a peacefulness in his eyes. It's something I've never seen before. It's something I want to stay with him forever.

So I place my hand over his and squeeze just once before I step out of his touch.

He tells me goodnight. I tell him goodbye.


	16. Chapter 16

**Second to last /3. **

**I cannot thank Amerymarie enough for her beta work. You have been so good to this story and me :)**

**SusanQ, Jen, and Kim - I cannot post without getting your guyseses 2-always-on-point-cents. You guys make this story stronger. I can't even tell you how much I appreciate you all 3**

**Hadley Hemmingway- Thank you for the support, sweet girl!**

**And all the amazing readers, reviewers, lurkers, pimps. As always, I'm shocked that anyone even finds this story in the least bit interesting.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 16 (Present)<strong>

It's Thursday. We don't do Thursdays the way we used to.

Jake's got a bag of Chinese in one hand and a six-pack in the other. He smiles widely as he steps into my apartment. He's been coming around a lot; I think he's worried about me.

I'm not sure how to get him to believe I'm okay. Not great or anything, but not completely shut down. Not anymore. I get where the worry comes from. I was a wreck that first night. When I got home, I cried until my pillow was soaked in my sadness, until my lungs burned and my chest ached. I didn't pick up phone calls or answer knocks. Not for a little while.

But I pulled myself together, and pushed past the debilitating pain.

Jake doesn't buy it—he's always been the cautious kind and a part of me is so glad.

When Jake drops by I feel better—_we're_ so much better—and even though I know that it has everything to do with Jasper being preoccupied with Alice and wedding shit, I'm happy that I have him around.

We eat terrible takeout and drink lukewarm beers. We don't talk about the past. About what isn't. We don't talk about Edward. It's mostly light conversation about inconsequential things and I like it this way.

Jake is going on about Alice's obsession with the wedding and how it makes being around the both of them just shy of insufferable. I don't tell him it only seems that way because he misses Jasper. We lost him to Alice a while ago.

"So...I've got this buddy..." Jake says, and I half-smile at his attempt to so casually shift the conversation.

I know where he's going and I know what my answer is, but I let him say his piece.

"I think he'd be good for you. I think you'd be good for him. I can, you know, set something up."

He takes a swig of his beer as he watches me. He's so hopeful. I wish I didn't have to disappoint him.

"Thanks, but no thanks."

I feel bad as his shoulders fall forward. He stuffs his mouth with chow mein, frustrated as he chews.

The air feels awkward as we eat quietly.

He starts to speak, then stops abruptly, opting for more noodles instead. He does this a few more times, and just as I'm about to snap at him to say what he wants to say...he does.

"Listen, Bella. The wedding is in a few weeks, and I just think it would be good for you to have someone there with you."

"I've got _you_," I say, gently punching his shoulder.

He sets down his fork and looks at me like he's about to give me a stern talking to.

"Yes, you do. But I mean... a _real_ someone. You know." He nods encouragingly. "It's just... I mean..." He fidgets a little with his plate. "Edward's not coming alone."

He watches me with round, worried eyes. He's waiting for the devastation to kick in.

"I know that," I say softly, setting my fork on the table, my appetite shot. "I mean...I _assumed_."

"I just don't think you should either."

I don't _want_ to be alone. But I don't want to be with someone who isn't Edward either, not at the wedding, not anywhere. And it's not that I'm holding out hope—I gave that up some time ago—it's just that I'm not ready. Not yet. Because the next guy? He's going to _be_ someone and that's a big fucking deal.

"What's her name?" I ask.

Jake's quiet for a minute and I almost think he's not going to tell me. Maybe he shouldn't.

"Tanya."

Tanya. Pretty name, for what I'm sure is a pretty girl.

"I bet she's lovely."

Jake shrugs. "She's gonna be at the bar."

I nod. I've been preparing myself for that. Before the wedding, we're having one last night at the bar before Jasper's officially Alice's. It's a dreadful thing, to know I'll see Edward, that he's got someone _real_ in his life, and that I've surrendered any and all hope. Even so, it's not enough to keep me from counting down the days. I want to see him—to just be _around_ him—nothing more; I don't care what the circumstances are.

* * *

><p>I'm late, really fucking late. I guess some things won't ever change.<p>

The Dive Bar isn't one of those things. It feels strange, standing at the entrance of a place that is exactly as it's always been.

I give myself no longer than five seconds to get my shit together before I march straight through the door. _Alone_. No handholding this time.

I see Jake first, standing tall with a glass of scotch in hand. His eyes land on me pretty quickly and he waves me over.

I already feel better, him by my side.

He's got words for me: _You're okay. No worries. I've got you_.

He tells me that I look good and asks me if I feel good. I answer him honestly.

"No."

Jake chuckles softly.

I don't know where he comes from, but Jasper's got a shot in one hand and the other around my shoulder. I haven't seen him in some time.

"Glad you could make it, Bella," he whisper-slurs into my ear.

I'm half-startled, half-ecstatic, and I wrap him up in a hug so tight, I can actually hear the wind get knocked out of him.

He laughs in that feel-good way that he does.

I don't know why, but I can't seem to ease the grip I have around him. I mean to loosen my hold, and I attempt to a couple of times, but my arms feel like two boa constrictors, and the more I try, the tighter they wrap.

It's like I'm scared to let go. He can feel it, too.

"Hey, hey..." he says, hugging me warmly.

He lets me hold on to him, lets me find my courage, before letting me go. He looks down, stares me straight on. "She doesn't have a whole lot on you, Bella." He winks.

I shake my head to get any ideas out of it.

He tells me he's sorry he's been busy, and that he feels like a shitfriend.

He is _so_ not a shitfriend, and I tell him so. He doesn't let himself off that easy, and asks me what I need, if he can help make me feel better.

Jasper's missed so much, he doesn't understand where I'm at in this whole Edward thing.

I tell him that what he can do for me, is get properly wasted tonight, then marry the best thing that has ever happened to him on Saturday.

He loves that idea, and knows that I mean it. Leaving a sloppy kiss on my cheek, he nearly disappears into a crowd. My heartbeat picks up when I realize who is standing in that crowd.

My first instinct is to rush over there, but I don't. I want to...because _he's_ there, and I've missed him so much, but it's not so simple because he's standing there with a strawberry blonde.

Jake can see my indecision. He slides a warm arm around my neck.

"You're good. No worries," he says with a strong nod.

But I'm not good enough yet, and I _am_ worried, so I stay put. I just need a little more time.

However, I'm not given nearly enough of it as Alice notices me. She waves wildly, calling me over like a lunatic.

She's drunk and hyper, and with Jasper next to her, she's crazy happy. It's hard to keep it from rubbing off on me. I feel better, enough to brave the view in front of me—Tanya wrapped under Edward's arm. She's beautiful. _Tall_. She looks classy, but not stuffy. I could go on.

I stop there.

Edward unwraps his arm from her, but he doesn't offer me a hug, and I don't reach for one. He keeps his hands tucked in his pockets and his eyes away from me.

It makes me sad, but I get it. And I can either spend this night making little-to-no progress, or I can move forward.

Reaching out my hand, I tell Tanya _hello_, that I'm glad to meet her. And I'm proud of myself—it's only a three-quarter lie.

I try to make conversation. I ask Tanya all those questions you're supposed to ask.

_How long has it been?_

6 months.

_How did you two meet?_

At the hospital.

She gets into their story. She talks about how she met Edward when she sprained her ankle. When I ask her how she hurt herself, she turns red around her cheeks and giggles into Edward's shoulder. He chuckles a little. Neither of them answers my question.

They have secrets.

I hold my breath; it makes the pain pass quickly.

"I couldn't believe this guy was on the market," she says, moving the conversation along.

I follow her arm as it snakes through his.

"Yeah, you've got a good one here." I meet Edward's eyes, but can only hold them there for a split-second, because I'm worried they'll break me.

"I know," she gushes with pink cheeks and twinkling eyes.

Some of me wants to say or do something to dampen her spirit; it's small, but it's there. The thing is, a bigger part of me can't be mad at her enthusiasm. I'm glad she knows—that she gets what she's got—I really am.

Even so, I need to walk away, get some space from them, because it's difficult all the same.

I spend the rest of the night distracting myself from Edward and his beautiful girlfriend. I let Alice talk my ear off about the wedding details. I beat Jasper three times at darts. I play Jake's wing-woman.

But at some point, my guard is down, and my eyes find Edward...and Tanya.

They're still new, and she can't get enough of him. She grabs him by the hand, leading him to a dim corner.

It's difficult to watch. Torturous. Accepting what is, doesn't make it hurt any less. Still, I watch. Her fingers through his hair, her body pressed up against his, his lips on hers. I feel like I've got my hand over a lit stove, and I'm just holding it there, seeing how long I can stand the heat.

Jake snaps me out of it, pulls me away.

I'm afraid he'll make me talk about things I can't explain. But Jake knows me better than I think he does. He doesn't ask me what the fuck I'm doing, or how I'm doing. He just gets me the hell out of there.

I don't know what that was, what I was doing, but I'm kind of surprised that I survived it. There was a point when watching Edward with another girl would kill me, make me crazy and cruel.

The fresh air feels good. I only need a few minutes of it before I'm good to go. Jake's skeptical, but he doesn't try to convince me otherwise.

When we get back in, I send Jake away, tell him to find a pretty girl to spend his time with. He rolls his eyes, but gets that I want to be alone.

I'm given maybe five minutes to myself, before I'm hit with the best kind of disruption.

"Hey."

I feel like my nerves might jump right out of my skin. He's alone. I know it. I turn around slowly, if only to savor these moments when it's just him and me, the moments we seem to be running out of.

"Hey back."

Something big should happen, that's what it feels like anyway. We've been through so much, and here we are tonight, still standing. _Separately_, but still standing. It seems like tonight should end with some great moment, but the conversation stops there. We shift awkwardly at the same time.

"Uh...we're gonna head out. I guess I just wanted to say...bye," he says.

"Oh…" The disappointment is hard to shake off, but I know it's better this way. "Okay. Bye, then."

He looks like he wants to say something more, but he doesn't. He turns slowly.

I keep my eyes on him as he makes his rounds, saying goodnight to everyone. He keeps Tanya's hand in his as he does, even as he's wrapped up in goodbye hugs. All night, I didn't really look at him. Now that I am, there's something about him. He looks good. He looks like the best version of himself. So fresh, so..._put back together_.

Edward is smiling as he and Tanya walk out the door.

The crazy thing about it—the thing I don't realize right away—is that I'm smiling, too.

He's _happy_.


	17. Chapter 17

**This is the very end, readers. Thanks for sticking around.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 17 (Present)<strong>

I can't sleep in this lonely bed I've made.

My mind won't shut off and my heart feels weak and uneasy. Rolling over for the countless time, I stare out the window. It's still dark out. I turn back around and keep tossing and turning until I'm practically dizzy.

As the blackness of night starts to burn off, sleep becomes less and less likely.

I need the rest. It's a really big day.

Even though it's way too early, I start to get ready. I run a comb through my hair, brush black through my lashes, swipe some pink on my lips. When I slip into my dress, I roll my eyes at how difficult it is to zip up without someone to help. After three attempts, I let it be.

I'm ready to go and it's nowhere near time to head out. I sit stiffly on the couch and wait. Time does me no favors as it ticks painstakingly by. I look around my apartment, search for something to keep me busy. It's not good for me to sit idle. I grab for an outdated magazine, flip through it just to be doing something.

I don't remember everything turning black. My eyes fly open.

I have thirty minutes to get to the hotel.

When I manage to get there—just on time—it's hectic. _Crazy_ hectic. It's damn near impossible to find a minute to exhale, or inhale for that matter.

Alice and Jasper are doing it up big. The whole nine yards. And even though I think it's stupid, I get it, too. They've got a big love and they want to celebrate it in a big way. Still, by the first round of photographs, I could use a stiff drink.

I should be grateful for the constant movement. I don't have time to dwell on Edward. That he's here, right next to me. That he's..._staring_ at me.

I don't stare back.

It's difficult, especially when it's just the four of us for a while: Jasper, Jake, Edward and me. We have to smile and pretend like the only history between us is of the savoring kind. The surge of energy that runs through me when Edward drapes an arm over my shoulder mid-pose nearly makes me jump. And again, when his hand lands on my waist and he draws me close to him during another photo. He's so unfazed. It's so unfair.

When the photographer needs to reload, I take a moment to myself, standing off in a corner.

I watch Alice in her big white dress, Jasper in his crisp gray suit. As always, they're huddled in their own little bubble. I smile at Jake talking up a pretty bridesmaid. I hope he gets lucky. It's a good day. But I still don't feel right, I think I might feel worse.

My heart is in my throat when I look over at Edward and find him still staring at me. I quickly turn away.

I don't understand why he's making this so difficult. He barely glanced at me at the bar, and today, he won't look away. He's acting like he's forgotten that we've loved each other. I feel a slight anger build in me, because I've done really well keeping myself in check. But with Edward touching me and watching me like he is...I start to unravel.

"Do you need some help?"

I jump a little and whirl around. My jaw drops open and my eyes are wide like wreaths.

"Your dress...it's not zipped up..." Edward says.

_Of course_. That's why he was staring at me. I'm so fucking stupid to think otherwise.

"Oh, yeah...could you..." I say as I turn, hiding the red on my cheeks.

He zips me up quickly. I try not to shiver when his fingers brush against my back as he clasps the hook at the top, but my skin rises completely against my will. I hope he doesn't notice. I'm pretty certain he does. He still stands behind me, even though he's finished.

"Thanks," I say. I don't know what else to do.

"You're welcome." His breath is so warm as it hits the back of my neck.

I'm afraid of feeling stupid again, so I turn around quickly to break the rising in my chest. Edward doesn't move, not even a tiny step back to get some space between us.

I look beyond him; search through the guests standing around, the ones just arriving. I know Tanya will be at the ceremony if she's not already here. I can't let myself forget that he has someone in his life. That he's happy. I have to stop reading in to the things he does or doesn't do.

The photographer calls us back.

* * *

><p>I'm on the verge of tears. Giant, sloppy, happy tears. I hold them back with everything I've got. Jasper and Alice are in a really beautiful kind of love. When they promise each other forever, I'm certain they'll make it.<p>

When I wipe a rogue tear away, Edward looks down at me. His stare is so much more intense in front of all these people. I keep my eyes glued on the ground. I can't look at him, and there's no way I can look out into the crowd. If I were to meet Tanya's stare, I think I'd freak the fuck out.

The officiant tells Jasper to kiss his wife, and when he does, the crowd goes wild.

The ceremony closes, but I still don't look around. I can't deal with Edward's eyes...if they're still on me.

* * *

><p>At the reception, I sit by myself as everyone else mingles. I don't mind, but I guess there's something sad about being alone at a wedding. Jake tears himself away from his potential lay to check in on me. I want him to stop worrying, so I grab a glass of champagne, throw it back, and dance terribly to cheesy wedding music.<p>

I'm mid-twirl when I nearly ram into Edward.

The music slips into a soft ballad, and I think about making a run for the exit.

"Dance with me?" He holds out his hand. He looks semi-nervous.

I take it immediately. I don't even think about whether it's a good move or a bad one, until I've already grabbed for it. I don't think about Tanya, until it's too late to take it back. I want whatever he's willing to give me, whether I'm afraid or not. Whether I'm ready or not.

When my hand falls in place with his and he wraps his arm around my back..._god, it feels good_. I'm careful not to let myself get too comfortable. I don't forget that I don't belong here in his arms—that it's a special time and place. Edward isn't mine to keep. I try to remember that.

My eyes search for her, the one he belongs to. I figure it's better to bite the bullet on my own terms.

"She's not here," he says with a small sigh.

My eyes shoot back to him, startled.

"Where is she?" I ask.

He takes a steady breath before answering. "My guess would be on a flight back to Baltimore."

An unavoidable silence follows. My mind is a mess and it takes me a while to find the words to clear it up.

"What happened?"

He shrugs. "Weddings do funny things to people, I guess."

I wait for him to finish. It takes me a minute to figure out that he's done. And it takes longer than it should to sink in. There are a hundred million thoughts and feelings swirling through me.

"Are you okay?" I _need_ to know he's okay. I feel like I might burst if he isn't, even though I know I can't do anything about it.

He bows his head before slowly nodding. And it occurs to me to ask another question. I don't know where it comes from, but I want to know.

"Is..._she_ okay?"

He stares down at me quietly. He almost stops dancing, and I'm almost uncomfortable under the way he's looking at me.

His lips break upwards into a small smile, like he's proud or something.

"I hope so," he finally answers.

The music changes to a tune even slower and softer. When Edward lets the hand he was holding go, I think our time is over. But he slips that hand around my hip, then around my back, and pulls me to him. My arms wrap around his neck. We're closer than we should be.

His eyes wander across my face...not searching, just looking.

"You're..._different_."

My cheeks start to feel hot.

"Yeah...I've been working on it for a little while now..."

"I don't know this..._you_ very well."

"I'm still getting to know this _me_..."

He chuckles a little. "Yeah? How do you like her?"

"She's okay. Pretty good, I guess."

"So I hear," he says with an easy nod.

I smile a little. I like that he's been asking. He holds me tighter. I don't want to hold _him_ any tighter, because I know it's going to be really hard to let go when the time comes, and I've already accepted that the time will come.

I do anyway.

"When do you fly back?" I ask.

"Day after tomorrow."

I want to tell him that I'll miss him, that I'd like to keep in touch, be friends.

The slow song stops and we stop, too. I was right, it's _so_ hard to let go. When he drops his arms, it feels cold in the spots where he touched me. It feels cold everywhere.

He thanks me for the dance, then walks away. He keeps his distance after that. I can't tell if it's on purpose, or if he's just popular. People want to talk to him. They want to flirt and drink with him. Edward's sweet, dancing with anyone who asks—from the bombshell blonde, to Jasper's great grandmother, to the tiny flower girl.

I lose track of him after a while. The celebration grows, with no signs of slowing down. When things get too wild, and I can't accept another drink or dance or bad line, I find some peace out in the lobby.

I find Edward.

He's got his room key in hand.

"Are you leaving?" I ask.

"It's getting pretty crazy in there. I'm gonna head to my room for a bit. I'll...see you later."

He turns to walk away. I want to ask him to stay.

After a few steps, he stops.

"Come with me?" he asks, his back still turned.

* * *

><p>The ride up to his suite is quiet. He keeps a fair distance away from me and I don't attempt to get any closer to him.<p>

When we get in, I plant myself against a wall and watch Edward as he takes off his coat. I try to get my heart to settle down as he loosens, then yanks off his tie. I have to look away when he unbuttons his cuffs and rolls his sleeves up.

The room is warm. I need to move.

It feels odd, but I take a seat on the bed. Edward watches me the entire time. I want to ask him why.

"Edward...what happened with Tanya?" I ask instead.

He keeps on with his silence as he heads to the minibar, pouring himself a strong drink. He takes a long, generous sip.

"When she first told me she loved me, I told her I loved her too."

I'm shocked at how painful those words are. I can't believe how much it hurts. It's supposed to hurt less at this point.

"When she asked if she should come to the wedding, I told her I wanted her here, maybe even _needed_ her here."

"Edward..." It's the tiniest whisper. So low, I barely hear it myself. I had no intention of saying a word. But I needed to stop him. I'm not ready to hear about love with another woman.

"I was saying what I thought I should be saying. That's how it works, right? You meet a nice girl, you like her, she likes you...you fall in love, you want each other around all the time..."

_God_. Stop. _Please_ stop.

"Last night she asked me if I could see us being together forever..." He lets his words drift off. I don't realize that I've shut my eyes, until they're startled open by his hand on mine. He's taken a knee in front of me and I can see that he's not trying to be cruel or anything. He's being honest. "I said _no_. Without even hesitating...I just said _no_. I felt like shit for being so blunt...but it just hit me. I couldn't ever see a future with her."

"I don't understand. You seemed so...happy."

"I was..." he clears his throat. "I _am_..." He sort of laughs. "Is that fucked-up?"

I'm not sure if it is or it isn't.

"It's not that I don't care about her. I think I was in love, or at least, something pretty damn close. But not being with her wouldn't end me or anything." He chuckles. "Not like with you. Never like with you."

I feel bad for feeling good that he didn't love Tanya the way he loved me. I'm not sure if it's okay to be selfish in this way.

He startles me, and my eyes flutter shut when he reaches out his hand, brushing his fingers against my cheek as he tucks my hair behind my ear.

"What do you want, Bella?"

I wasn't expecting that question.

I know what I _should_ say. I should say that I want him to be happy, that I am okay and that as long as he's happy, I will stay that way. It wouldn't be a lie if I said that, it would be the absolute truth.

But there are other truths that should be said out loud. He's asking what I want, and I think that today, in this moment, it might be okay to give the selfish truth.

"I want you. _Still_. Whether you want me or not. Whether I have hope or don't have it. I'm always going to want you. A million men could come and go from my life, and at the end of it all..._you_. Always. Even though I've given you up, I _still_ want you. I don't know if that makes any sense at all."

I meet his stare, straight on. I don't want to hide.

"I get it," he says quietly.

"I'm sorry it took so much time and..._destruction_ for me to get here. But I'm here."

He bows his head and runs a hand over his face.

"You don't have to do anything with that," I say quickly. "I just want you to know that I'm better...because of you."

He looks up at me, and I can't tell if he's happy or sad, but he's staring at me like I've said something that changes everything. And it happens so quickly, his lips on mine, his hands in my hair, then on my neck, his body pressing mine flat onto the mattress. We kiss until I'm dizzy and he's breathless. We kiss like we'd never stopped.

"That should feel wrong..." he whispers in a long sigh. He pulls back a little, his hands still warm against my neck. "Why doesn't it ever feel wrong..."

He kisses me again, like he's testing it out one last time, before rolling off of me, and sitting on the edge of the bed.

"I can't ever go back to that place with you, Bella. I won't."

I understand what he means. I'm glad he says it. I won't take us there.

"We should probably get back," he says.

I get up, straighten myself out. When I get to the door, I'm not sure if I should wait for him.

"I'll be down in a minute."

I shut the door gently behind me.

* * *

><p>The reception is still at full blast. As I weave through the crowds, I get stuck in conversations I don't want to be a part of, and pose for pictures I'd rather not take. When I make it back to my table, it's empty.<p>

But not for long.

Jake takes a seat to my right, before Jasper flops down to my left.

And when I look up, I see Edward, headed our way.

He's got his eyes on me.

There's a swelling in my heart, and I don't tell it to quit.

The End

* * *

><p>There are folks that need thanking. There's simply no way around it.<p>

My beta, Amerymarie. Thank you so much for taking time out of your life to help me with this little story of mine. It's amazing to me that someone would offer their time and energy to a stranger. Thank you.

HadleyHemmingway. We met near the end, but I just wanted to send a quick thank you for your support and encouragement. You're part of the reason I got off my butt to finish this thing :)

SunFlower3759, other pre-readers, pimpers, lurkers, readers, reviewers- Thank you so much for following this story, for being a part of it, for encouraging me with your kind reviews. Thank you especially to the readers who gave me a small glimpse into your own lives by sharing the way you were able to relate to BxE's relationship/pain.

Also, I have a very special place in my heart to those who have been kind and patient with Bella. I know she's a tough one to love, or to even understand. Thank you for forgiving her for her (major and plentiful) shortcomings.

And last, but the absolute furthest thing from least: Susan, Jen, and Kim. I cannot express how much you three have meant to me. I can't imagine not having your support and friendship through this process, but also, life in general ;) Without you guys, HMD wouldn't have ever finished. With you guys, HMD is better than I could have ever imagined/hoped. Thank you for always being honest. I value your input immensely. I never, in a million bazillion years, ever thought I would forge friendships in this fandom. I guess in a way, I was right. I don't consider you guys friends that are strictly a part of this world. I could say thank you a thousand times, in a trillion different ways, and it won't be enough. Even so, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you 3.


End file.
